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DRUNK JOKE
Historical record from James Callow Folklore Archive.
A DRUNK IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. HE IS HOLDING A CAR STEERING
WHEEL IN HIS HANDS AND HIS COCK IS HANGING OUT. A POLICEMAN ON THE
STREET SEES HIM AND SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT STEERING
WHEEL. THE DRUNK LOOKS AT IT AND SAYS, OH MY GOD, I LOST MY CAR.
THE COP THEN SAYS, WELL WHY IS YOUR COCK HANGING OUT? THE DRUNK
LOOKS DOWN AND SAYS, OH MY GOD I LOST MY WIFE, TOO.
Submitter comment:
I GOT THIS IN HIGH'SCHOOL (ST. JOSEPH S IN WESTCHESTER) FROM ANOTHER
STUDENT. TELLER USUALLY USES ARM MOTION TO INDICATE HOLDING
STEERING WHEEL IN DRIVING POSITION.
Where learned: ILLINOIS ; WESTCHESTER
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Stupid man or woman SPEECH -- Gesture Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 00-00-1968
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THE UGLY BIRD JOKE
MR.SMITH WAS VERY THIN AND PALE. ONE DAY HE WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR. THE
DOCTOR TOLD HIM TO SUNBATHE IN THE NUDE FOR A WEEK. THE FIRST DAY HE
WAS SUNBATHING AND READING THE PAPER WHEN SALLY, THE LITTLE GIRL NEXT
DOOR CAME IN THE YARD. "HI MR.SMITH" SAID SALLY. MR.SMITH IMMEDIATELY
DROPPED THE PAPER TO COVER HIMSELF. SALLY ASKED HIM WHAT HE HAD UNDER
THE PAPER. MR.SMITH REPLIED IT WAS HIS BIRD. "CAN I SEE YOUR BIRD MR.
SMITH?" ASKED SALLY. "MAYBE TOMORROW" SAID MR.SMITH. THE NEXT DAY MR.
SMITH WAS AGAIN SUNBATHING WHEN SALLY WALKED IN THE YARD. "HI MR.
SMITH" SAID SALLY. MR.SMITH AGAIN DROPPED THE PAPER TO COVER HIMSELF.
SALLY ASKED,"CAN I SEE YOUR BIRD TODAY MR.SMITH?" HE SAID "MAYBE
TOMORROW SALLY." THE NEXT DAY MR.SMITH WAS SUNBATHING AND DECIDED TO
TAKE A NAP. HE PUT THE PAPER DOWN TO COVER HIMSELF. NEXT THING HE
KNEW HE WAS IN TREMENDOUS PAIN. HE COULD NOT BELIEVE THE PAIN HE WAS
HAVING. ALSO THERE WERE DOCTORS AND NURSES AROUND. HE LOOKED AT THE
DOOR AND THERE WAS SALLY TALKING TO A POLICEMAN. SHE WAS SAYING,"MR.
SMITH TOLD ME HE HAD A BIRD UNDER THE PAPER AND I WANTED TO SEE IT.
I PICKED UP THE PAPER AND LOOKED. IT WAS THE UGLIEST BIRD I EVER SAW
SO I SMASHED ITS EGGS, WRUNG ITS NECK AND LIT ITS NEST ON FIRE."
Where learned: DETROIT
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS
| Subject headings: | Favorites PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote BELIEF -- Body part Senses |
Date learned: 11-24-1973
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PRETENDED OBSCENE RIDDLE
Historical record from James Callow Folklore Archive.
Q: WHAT GOES IN HARD AND COMES OUT SOFT, STICKY, AND WET?
A: GUM.
Data entry tech comment:
ANOTHER VARIANT IN U OF D FOLKLORE 5 X 8 CARD FILES.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
Keyword(s): EATABLES AND DRINKS (A) ; LITERAL ; STATES OF BEING (Q)
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS ; SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
| Subject headings: | RIDDLE -- True Riddle Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 09-00-1971
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WHO WAS THE FIRST CARPENTER IN THE WORLD?
EVE- SHE MADE ADAM'S BANANA STAND.
Where learned: UNKNOWN
Keyword(s): ERECTION OF PENIS ; OBSCENE
| Subject headings: | RIDDLE -- Riddle Question Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: UNKNOWN
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WHEN YOU GROW OLD AND YOUR BALLS GROW COLD AND THE HEAD OF YOUR
DICK TURNS BLUE, AND WHEN YOU TRY TO DIDDLE AND IT BENDS IN THE
MIDDLE, THEN YOU KNOW GODDAMIT YOU,RE THROUGH.
Submitter comment:
THIS LITTLE SAYING WAS TOLD TO ME BY A MAN WHO HAD LIVED FOR
MANY YEARS IN THE THUMB AREA. HE HAD HEARD THIS WHEN HE WORKED FOR
A LUMBER COMPANY IN THAT AREA.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SOUTHFIELD
James Callow Keyword(s): AGING ; SLANG: DICK FOR PENIS
| Subject headings: | Ballad Song Dance Game Music Verse -- Lyrical Verse Ballad Song Dance Game Music Verse -- Lyrical Verse Lyrical Verse Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 00-00-1977
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VIRGINITY IS LIKE A BALLOON, ONE PRICK AND ITS GONE.
Where learned: RESTROOM WALL
James Callow Keyword(s): SLANG-PRICK FOR PENIS
| Subject headings: | Ballad Song Dance Game Music Verse -- Art Craft Architecture Art, Craft, Architecture Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 00-00-1978
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Historical record from James Callow Folklore Archive.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLOCK WHO:
THOUGHT MOBY DICK WAS A FORM OF VENEREAL DISEASE?
Where learned: DETROIT ; REGINA HIGH SCHOOL
James Callow Keyword(s): SLANG: DICK FOR PENIS
| Subject headings: | BELIEF -- Poli |
Date learned: 00-00-1979
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THIS GUY WAS OUT ON A HUNTING TRIP, WHEN SUDDENLY HE
FELT THAT NATURE MUST TAKE ITS COURSE. HE DUCKED BEHIND
A TREE AND PROCEEDED TO RELIEVE HIS KIDNEYS. THERE WAS
ANOTHER HUNTER ABOUT FIFTY YARDS AWAY WHO SAW THE BUSHES
MOVE AND, THINKING IT WAS A DEER, LET HIM HAVE IT WITH
BOTH BARRELS OF A 12 GAUGE SHOTFGUN. HE GOT HIM RIGHT IN
THE PECKER. THE GUY LET OUT A SCREAM AND, NOT KNOWING
WHAT TO DO, WRAPPED IT UP IN A HANDERCHIEF AND RAN TO
THE NEAREST DOCTOR. HE CAME IN AND SAYS, "DOC, I'VE GOT
A PROBLEM." THE DOC SAYS, "WE'VE ALL GOT PROBLEMS SON."
THEN HE SAYS, "NO, NO, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS." THEN HE
PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS. THE DOCTOR SAYS, "GRACIOUS,"
AND SCRATCHED HIS HEAD. THE FELLOW SAYS, "WHAT CAN YOU
DO FOR ME, DOC?" SO THE DOCTOR PULLED OUT A CARD AND
WROTE DOWN A NAME AND ADDRESS. THE GUY SAYS, "WHO'S
THIS, A SPECIALIST?" THE DOCTOR SAYS, "NO, HE'S MY
BROTHER, A CLARINET PLAYER. HE CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO
FINGER IT SO THAT YOU DON'T PISS ALL OVER YOURSELF."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS ; URINATE
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 05-22-1965
A YOUNG MAN, WITH A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF FRIENDS WHO
LOVED JOKING AROUND, WAS TO GET MARRIED. HIS FRIENDS
THREW HIM A STAG PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE THE BIG EVENT.
AT THIS PARTY, THEY SUCCEEDED IN GETTING THE GUY
COMPLETELY DRUNK, SO THAT HE PASSED OUT. NOW, ONE
OF THE GUYS AT THE PARTY WAS A MEDICAL STUDENT AND HE
CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME.
HE WENT TO HIS CAR AND GOT HIS EQUIPMENT FOR MAKING
PLASTER CASTS. THEN HE AND THE REST OF THE PARTY WENT
TO WORK. WHEN THEY FINISHED, THE POOR FELLOW WAS IN
A COMPLETE CAST FROM THE SHOULDERS DOWN. THE ONLY PART
LEFT WITHOUT THE PLASTER CAST, WAS HIS COCK, WHICH WAS
LEFT DANGLING OUT. HIS FRIENDS THEN CARRIED THE STATUE
OVER TO HIS GIRLS HOUSE AND PROPPED HIM UP ON THE PORCH,
FACING THE DOOR. THEY THEN RANG THE DOORBELL AND TOOK
OFF. WHEN THE GIRL CAME TO THE DOOR, ALL HELL BROKE
LOOSE. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AFTER THAT,
BUT IT TOOK THREE MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING ACTUALLY
TOOK PLACE.
Submitter comment:
I HEARD THIS LITTLE ANECDOTE AT A STAG PARTY FOR ONE OF
MY FRATERNITY BROTHERS AND IT WAS RELATED TO ME AS
BEING FACTUAL.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
Date learned: 05-22-1965
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THE OLD MIDWIFE
DOWN IN KENTUCKY A LONG TIME AGO, THEY USED TO HAVE
MIDWIVES AND MID-MEN TO HELP DELIVER BABIES. WELL, THIS
ONE WOMAN WAS HAVIN' TROUBLE, SO SHE NEEDED SOME HELP.
WHAT THESE MID-MEN AND WOMEN WOULD DO WAS, THE MAN
WOULD SIT ON A CHAIR, THE PREGNANT WOMAN WOULD LAY ON
HIS LAP, AND THE MIDWIFE WOULD HELP THE BABY COME OUT.
LIKE I SAID, THIS ONE PREGNANT WOMAN WAS HAVIN'
TROUBLE. THE BABY JUST WOULDN'T COME; SO SHE LAID ON
THE MAN'S LAP. THE MIDWIFE STARTED TO FEEL AROUND BETWEEN
THE WOMAN'S LEGS. PRETTY SOON, THE MAN STARTED YELLIN'
"WOMAN, YOU BETTER LET GO." THE OLD MIDWIFE SAID, "I
THINK IT'S COMIN', I CAN FEEL SOMETHING." THE OLD MAN
SAID AGAIN, "WOOOMAAN, YOU'D BETTER LEGGO." BUT SHE KEPT
RIGHT ON FEELING AROUND. ALL THIS TIME THE WOMAN HAVING
THE BABY WAS YELLIN' "OOOOOWWWW!" "FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WOMAN, LEGGO!" SAID THE MAN. THE MIDWIFE ALL OF A
SUDDEN SAYS, "I'VE GOT (IT) NOW, AND I THINK IT'S A BOY,
'CAUSE I CAN FEEL ITS HEAD!" THE OLD MAN SAID, "YOU'D
BETTER LEGGO RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T NO HEAD OF NO
BABY YOU GOT. YOU'D BETTER LEGGO, CAUSE YOU GOT A
HOLD OF MY COCK!!"
Submitter comment:
THE INFORMANT HEARD THIS STORY IN A "BEER GARDEN" IN
SALYERSVILLE, KENTUCKY.
Where learned: KENTUCKY ; SALYERSVILLE
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote Filter - Mature Content |
Date learned: 04-19-1965
A MAN HAD TWO SONS WHO VISITED THE DOCTOR BEFORE THEY
GOT MARRIED. THE DOCTOR EXAMINED BOTH SONS AND WROTE
S.P. ON ONE CHART AND S.P.P. ON THE OTHER. THE FIRST
SON MARRIED AND HAD SEVERAL CHILDREN. THE SECOND SON
HAD NO CHILDREN AFTER YEARS OF MARRIAGE. SO THE FATHER
CONSULTED THE DOCTOR AND ASKED HIM WHY. THE DOCTOR
EXPLAINED THAT S.P. MEANT SEMPRE PRONTI, IN ITALIAN
ALWAYS READY, WHILE S.P.P. MEANT SOLO PER PERSHARI 0R
ONLY FOR URINATING.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
James Callow Keyword(s): PENIS
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
Date learned: 00-00-1983
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RIDDLE
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR TONSILS REMOVED?
A TONSILECTOMY.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR APPENDIX REMOVED?
AN APPENDECTOMY.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A WOMAN WANTS HER SEX CHANGED?
ADD-A-DICK-TO-ME.
Submitter comment: I WAS SHOCKED BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT SUCH AN ANSWER.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
Keyword(s): ANATOMY
James Callow Keyword(s): SLANG: DICK FOR PENIS
| Subject headings: | RIDDLE -- Riddle Question Filter - Mature Content |
CONGESTION CURE 2
PIZZLE GREASE, WHICH IS MADE FROM THE MALE ORGANS OF A
HOG COOKED DOWN INTO GREASE AND THEN THE ORGANS STRAINED
FROM THE GREASE, WAS BOTTLED AND SOLD AS A CURE FOR A BAD
COLD AND PNEUMONIA.
Where learned: TENNESSEE ; MARTIN
James Callow Keyword(s): PIZZLE=ANIMAL PENIS
| Subject headings: | BELIEF -- Remedy BELIEF -- Animal |
Date learned: 00001940CA