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PROVERB
HAVE WIFE, MUST TRAVEL.
Submitter comment:
THIS WAS WRITTEN IN THE DUST ON THE BACK OF A TRUCK HEADING
WEST ON INTERSTATE 94 IN DETROIT, MICHIGAN. THE TRUCK
BELONGED TO A PLASTICS FIRM BASED IN WINDSOR, ONTARIO, CANADA.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
STEP HUSBAND TALE
THERE WAS THIS CERTAIN LADY WHO WAS KNOWN FOR HER HABIT
OF ENJOYING THE COMPANY OF MEN OTHER THAN HER HUSBAND.
WELL, IT HAPPENED ONE DAY THAT A DELIVERY MAN CAME TO
HER DOOR AND WHEN SHE COULDN'T PAY THE C.O.D. SHE THEN
OFFERED TO GO TO BED WITH THE MAN IF HE WOULD FORGET
THE BILL. HE ACCEPTED. NOW, WHILE THEY WERE IN BED,
THE DOORBELL RANG. "QUICK HIDE UNDER THE BED," SHE
TOLD THE DELIVERY MAN, "THAT MUST BE MY HUSBAND."
SO HE HID UNDER THE BED AND SHE GOT DRESSED AND WENT
TO THE DOOR. IT WAS NOT HER HUSBAND, BUT THE
INSURANCE MAN WHO HAD COME TO COLLECT THE PREMIUM.
SAYS THE LADY, "I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, BUT IF YOU'LL
FORGET THE BILL, YOU CAN GO TO BED WITH ME." HE, TOO,
ACCEPTED. SO WHILE THEY WERE IN BED AND THE FIRST MAN WAS
STILL UNDERNEATH, THE BELL RANG AGAIN. "HURRY, GET UNDER
THE BED," SHE SAID; "THIS HAS TO BE MY HUSBAND."
WHILE HE GOT UNDER THE BED, SHE DRESSED AND ANSWERED
THE DOOR. THIS TIME IT WAS THE NEGRO PAPER BOY
COLLECTING. HE, TOO, AGREED TO SETTLE BY GOING TO
BED WITH HER, AND WHILE THEY WERE IN BED THE DOORBELL
RANG AGAIN, "GET UNDER THE BED," SHE CRIED, "IT IS
MY HUSBAND." THIS TIME, IT WAS HER HUSBAND, AND
WHEN SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR, HER CLOTHES WERE MUSSED AND
HER HAIR WAS A MESS. "YOU'VE BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN
AGAIN," HE YELLED, "I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD PULL EVERY
HAIR FROM YOUR HEAD IF I CAUGHT YOU AGAIN." HE THEN
COMMENCED TO PULL OUT HER LONG, BLACK HAIR. IT ALL
CAME OUT EXCEPT ONE LAST STRAND. YANKING AS HARD AS
HE COULD, HE YELLED," COME ON OUT YOU LITTLE BLACK
ONE." ON HEARING THIS, THE NEGRO PAPERBOY SHOUTED
FROM UNDER THE BED, "NOT 'TILL THE OTHERS DO."
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 00-00-1961
THE OPERATOR, THE NURSE, AND THE SCHOOLTEACHER
THREE GIRLS LIVED AND WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER ALL
THEIR LIVES; EVERYTHING THEY DID, THE THREE OF THEM
DID TOGETHER. THEY EVEN GOT ENGAGED AT THE SAME TIME
AND PLANNED A COMMON CEREMONY. AFTER THE WEDDING, THEY
WENT TO THE SAME HOTEL TO SPEND THEIR HONEYMOON.
AFTER THEIR FIRST NIGHT, THE GIRLS TOOK TOO LONG
GETTING DRESSED, SO THEIR HUSBANDS DECIDED TO GO TO
BREAKFAST WITHOUT THEM. THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION
ENSUED:
HUSBAND 1: NEVER MARRY A TELEPHONE OPERATOR, ALL I
HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS "SORRY SIR, YOUR THREE MINUTES
ARE UP."
HUSBAND 2: I HAVE IT WORSE, I MARRIED A NURSE AND ALL
SHE SAID LAST NIGHT WAS, "IT'S UNHYGENIC, IT'S
UNHYGENIC."
HUSBAND 3: YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A SCHOOLTEACHER.
ALL I HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS "TRY IT AGAIN, PRACTICE
MAKES PERFECT."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
MAN ABOVE
A MAN WAS JEALOUS OF HIS WIFE, AND HE CAME IN ONE DAY
AND ASKED HER WHO HAD BEEN THERE. SHE ANSWERED, "NO
ONE." BUT HE SAID, "YES, THERE HAS, AND I'M GOING
TO BEAT YOU!" SHE SAID, "WELL, YOU CAN, BUT THERE'S
A MAN ABOVE WHO KNOWS ALL THINGS." THEN THE MAN ABOVE
ANSWERED, "YES, AND THERE'S A MAN UNDER THE BED WHO
KNOWS AS MUCH AS I DO."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 09-25-1967
A YOUNG HOUSEWIFE LEARNING TO DRIVE, HAD SNARLED
TRAFFIC COMPLETELY. SHE TURNED TO HER HUSBAND AND
ASKED WHAT TO DO. "I DON'T KNOW," HE REPLIED CALMLY,
"BUT I'M SURE IF YOU CLIMB INTO THE BACK SEAT YOU CAN
FIGURE IT OUT."
Where learned: RESIDENCE
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
ONCE THERE WAS A VERY SHY BRIDE AND GROOM, WHO FOUND
THAT THEY WERE TOO EMBARRASSED TO UNDRESS IN FRONT
OF EACH OTHER ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT. FINALLY, THEY
AGREED TO FACE OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AND NOT WATCH AS
THE OTHER GOT UNDRESSED. WELL, THE BRIDE WENT
OVER TO HER SUITCASE TO GET OUT HER NEW PINK NIGHTGOWN
WHICH HER MOTHER HAD PACKED FOR HER. WHEN SHE TOOK
THE NIGHTGOWN OUT, SHE SAW THAT IT HAD GOTTEN ALL
WRINKLED UP, AND SHE CRIED OUT, "OH, IT'S ALL PINK AND
WRINKLY." TO WHICH THE GROOM RESPONDED, "YOU
PEEKED!"
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 06-00-1960
ICE CREAM SYMBOLISM
A MOTHER WAS TALKING WITH HER NEWLYWED DAUGHTER
JUST BEFORE THE COUPLE LEFT ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
SHE SAID TO HER DAUGHTER: "MAKE SURE YOU WRITE AND
TELL ME HOW IT IS." AND SHE SAID IN REPLY, "OH,
MOTHER. I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HAVING INTERCOURSE IN
A LETTER." HER MOTHER SAID, "JUST PUT DOWN ICECREAM
FOR IT, AND I'LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN." THE MOTHER
RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING POSTCARDS DURING THE NEXT
FEW WEEKS:
CARD 1. DEAR MOTHER, I HAD ICE CREAM FOR THE FIRST
TIME LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS REALLY GOOD.
CARD 2. DEAR MOTHER, WE'RE HAVING LOTS OF ICE CREAM
NOW, AND I REALLY LIKE IT.
CARD 3. DEAR MOTHER, WE'RE HAVING ICE CREAM ALL THE
TIME NOW. I'M LICKING THE STICK, AND JOE IS EATING
IT OUT OF THE BOX.
Submitter comment: LEARNED AT A DRUG STORE FROM A FRIEND.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
MY PARENTS
ONCE IN MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD, THERE WAS THIS ONE KID WHO
ASKED HIS FATHER IF HE COULD MARRY THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
HIS FATHER SAID NO AND TOLD HIM THAT THAT GIRL WAS
REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND TO MARRY HIS SISTER WOULD
NEVER DO. HIS MOTHER TOOK HIM ASIDE LATER AND TOLD
HIM NOT TO WORRY AND THAT HE COULD MARRY THAT GIRL
BECAUSE HE WASN'T REALLY HIS SON.
Where learned: BUFFALO ; NEW YORK, ASSUMED
James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 10-00-1968
THE IRON LUNG
A MAN COMES INTO A PAWN SHOP AND TRIES TO PAWN AN IRON
LUNG. THE OPERATOR OF THE SHOP SAYS, "WHERE DID YOU
GET THIS LUNG FROM?" THE MAN RESPONDS: "FROM MY WIFE."
"WHAT DID SHE SAY WHEN YOU TOOK IT.?" "AHHH!."
Submitter comment: HEARD FROM A FRIEND
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
MARRIED COUPLE TALE
ONE DAY A MAN'S WIFE WOKE UP AND TOLD HER HUSBAND THAT
SHE HAD A BAD DREAM AND THAT HE SHOULDN'T GO TO WORK
BECAUSE SHE FELT SURE SOMETHING TERRIBLE WOULD HAPPEN
TO HIM. SO HER HUSBAND STAYED IN BED THAT MORNING;
AND WHILE HE WAS IN BED, A LARGE MIRROR THAT HUNG
ABOVE THE BED FELL AND KILLED HIM.
Submitter comment: INFORMANT TOLD THIS AS A TRUE STORY.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; WARREN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 02-22-1970
JOKE ON MARRIAGE
A POOR WOMAN WAS ON HER DEATH BED AND HER HUSBAND SAT
SADLY BESIDE HER. SUDDENLY SHE SAID, "JOE, I MUST
CONFESS BEFORE I DIE. I HAVEN'T BEEN TRUE TO YOU
ALL THESE YEARS. WHEN YOU WERE AT WORK BREAKING YOUR
BACK, I WAS AT HOME WITH YOUR FRIENDS JOHN, SAM,
CLYDE, MIKE, AND EVEN SOME MEN WHO WEREN'T YOUR
FRIENDS." THE HUSBAND LOOKS AT HER WITH TEARS IN
HIS EYES AND SAYS, "I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I POISONED
YOU."
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
TALE
A MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE ON THE WAY HOME FROM A LONG
VACATION, PULLING A HUGE TRAILER BEHIND THEIR CAR.
THE HUSBAND HAD DRIVEN FOR MANY HOURS AND WAS TIRED.
HIS WIFE TOOK OVER THE WHEEL AND (HE) WENT TO LIE DOWN
IN THE TRAILER IN HIS SHORTS. HIS WIFE PUT ON THE
BRAKES VERY SUDDENLY, AFTER ALMOST MISSING A RED LIGHT.
THE MAN, FRIGHTENED BY THE SUDDEN STOP, RAN OUT OF THE
TRAILER (STILL IN HIS SHORTS) TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG.
AT THE SAME TIME THE LIGHT CHANGED AND THE WIFE SPED
AWAY LEAVING HIM STRANDED. AT THIS VERY TIME, AN OLD
FRATERNITY BROTHER OF THIS MAN'S DROVE BY AND PICKED
HIM UP. HE ARRIVED HOME BEFORE HIS WIFE AND WAS
STANDING ON THE BACK PORCH (STILL IN HIS SHORTS) WHEN
SHE PULLED IN THE DRIVEWAY. SHE WAS SO STARTLED
THAT SHE FORGOT TO STOP THE CAR AND RAN RIGHT THROUGH
THE BACK OF THE GARAGE.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; BIRMINGHAM
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
A WOMAN, STANDING NAKED BEFORE A FULL LENGTH MIRROR,
SPEAKING TO HER HUSBAND, SAYS, "YOU KNOW, DEAR, THE
DOCTOR SAID TODAY THAT I HAVE THE BREATS OF A 35-
YEAR-OLD." "YEAH," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "WHAT DID
HE SAY ABOUT YOUR 50 YEAR-OLD ASS?" "HE DIDN'T
MENTION YOU."
Where learned: BUFFALO ; NEW YORK ; JOKE COLLECTION
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 10-05-1971
THE HENPECKED HUSBAND
A HENPECKED HUSBAND CAME TO THE RABBI TO ASK FOR A
DIVORCE. "HOW CAN YOU, A PIOUS MAN, THINK OF SUCH A
THING!" THE RABBI REBUKED HIM STERNLY. "DON'T
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TALMUD SAYS: 'WHEN A MAN DIVORCES
HIS WIFE, NOT ONLY THE ANGELS BUT THE VERY STONES
WEEP!'" "LISTEN, RABBI," REPLIED THE DISSATISFIED
HUSBAND, "IF THE ANGELS AND THE STONES WANT TO WEEP,
LET THEM. I WANT TO REJOICE!"
Submitter comment: ORIGIN: RABBI FROM ADAS SHALOM SYNOGOGUE.
Where learned: RESTAURANT ; GOLDEN LION
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 07-22-1964
A G.I. STORY
ONCE THERE WAS A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE WHO LIVED IN A
MARRIED COUPLES' HOUSING DEVELOPMENT. THE YOUNG
HUSBAND WAS IN THE ARMY. WELL, ANYWAY, THERE WAS A
VERY SHAPELY YOUNG MATRON WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR TO THIS
PARTICULAR COUPLE. ONE DAY THE YOUNG WIFE WAS WATCHING
OUT HER WINDOW, WHEN HER HUSBAND LEFT FOR CAMP. THE
SHAPELY YOUNG MATRON HAPPENED TO BE OUT IN HER YARD
AT THE SAME TIME. THE HUSBAND WAS QUITE BUSY TAKING
IN ALL THE SIGHTS AS HE WALKED OVER TO HIS FOUR DOOR
CAR. THE YOUNG WIFE COULDN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AT HER
HUSBAND'S EMBARRASSMENT WHEN HE DISCOVERED THAT HE
WAS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR, INSTEAD OF
THE FRONT SEAT.
Where learned: GERMANY
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 00-00-1957
FOR LOVE OF GOD
THERE WAS A MAN WHO WENT TO CONFESSION AND TOLD THE PRIEST
HE HAD TAKEN A CROSS. THE PRIEST SAID IT WAS SINFUL AND
THE MAN SHOULD RETURN IT, IMMEDIATELY. THE MAN WENT
HOME AND RETURNED GRUNTING AND GROANING. THE PRIEST
WAS CURIOUS AND LEFT THE CONFESSIONAL TO SEE WHAT THE
NOISE WAS. WHEN HE LOOKED OUT OF THE CONFESSIONAL, HE
SAW A MAN CARRYING HIS WIFE OVER HIS BACK. HE ASKED
THE MAN WHAT HE WAS DOING, AND THE MAN REPLIED, "I'M
RETURNING THE CROSS I TOOK."
Submitter comment:
INFORMANT HEARD THIS IN POLISH, AS TOLD BY HER MOTHER.
IN POLISH THIS IS TOLD IN RHYME.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 07-31-1964
ISLAND NARRATIVE
A MAN HAD BEEN MAROONED ON AN ISLAND SEVERAL YEARS. HE
HAD CAREFULLY STORED THE PROVISIONS FROM A WRECKED SHIP
IN SEVERAL TREES, WHERE THEY WOULD BE SAFE. ONE DAY HE
SIGHTED A RAFT FLOATING IN TO SHORE. ON THE RAFT WAS A
MARRIED COUPLE. THE HERMIT BECAME DETERMINED TO HAVE
INTERCOURSE WITH THE WOMAN, BUT HE HAD TO DEVISE A PLAN.
ONE DAY HE WENT UP INTO THE TREE TO GET PROVISIONS.
WHILE HE WAS UP THERE HE YELLED, "STOP THAT SCREWING
DOWN THERE." THE COUPLE ON THE GROUND JUST THOUGHT
THIS WAS THE EFFECT OF SO MANY YEARS OF ISOLATION. AGAIN
AND AGAIN HE YELLED, "STOP THAT SCREWING DOWN THERE."
FINALLY, ONE DAY, THE MARRIED MAN VOLUNTEERED TO CLIMB
THE TREE FOR PROVISIONS. WHILE HE WAS UP THE HERMIT
HAD INTERCOURSE WITH HIS WIFE. THE MAN IN THE TREE
LOOKED DOWN AND SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND SAID TO
HIMSELF, "IT DOES LOOK LIKE THEY ARE SCREWING DOWN
THERE."
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
THE HOT ELECTRICIAN
AN ELECTRICIAN WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT AND HE HAD AN
ACCIDENT WITH FIVE THOUSAND VOLTS RUNNING THROUGH HIS
BODY. HIS FELLOW CO-WORKERS RUSHED HIM TO A DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR EXAMINED HIM AND SAID, "YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY
MAN, GO HOME AND REST TONIGHT, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOU." THE NEXT MORNING HE WAS BACK AND THE DOCTOR
SAID, "I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT
ARE YOU HERE FOR?" "WELL DOC, I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT WHEN I LAID MY WIFE,
HER TEATS LIT UP LIKE LIGHT BULBS."
Submitter comment:
INFORMANT HEARD THIS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT. HE
DID NOT KNOW WHEN.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 04-08-1965
THE SCENE
A COUPLE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS AND THEY,
TO THE WIFE'S DISGUST, NEVER PERFORMED THE MARRIAGE ACT.
THE HUSBAND, IT SEEMED, WAS IMPOTENT, SO ONE DAY THE WIFE
TOLD HIM TO GO TO A DOCTOR TO SEE WHAT COULD BE DONE.
THE DOCTOR SAID HE COULD HELP AND GAVE THE MAN SOME
PILLS TO BE TAKEN AT SUPPER TIME. HE TOLD THE HUSBAND
TO TAKE ONE AT DINNER THAT NIGHT AND HIS WIFE WOULD
HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. SO THAT NIGHT, AT
DINNER, HE NOT ONLY GAVE HIMSELF A PILL, BUT SLIPPED
ONE INTO HIS WIFE'S COFFEE. NEVER SINCE HAVE THEY
SEEN SUCH ACTIVITY AT HOWARD'S JOHNSON'S.
Submitter comment:
I HEARD THIS STORY ABOUT A YEAR AGO AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF DETROIT STUDENT UNION.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 04-16-1965
THE NOVICE
A MAN, WHO KNEW LITTLE ABOUT SEX, GOT MARRIED AND HE
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT. HE
BROUGHT HIS BEST MAN WITH HIM TO HELP. HE TOLD HIM TO
HIDE IN THE CLOSET TO HELP HIM, IF HE NEEDED IT. SO
WHEN THEY GOT INTO THEIR HOTEL ROOM (THE BEST MAN IN
THE CLOSET) THE WIFE WENT TO THE JOHN TO TAKE A CRAP.
SHE DIDN'T WANT HER HUSBAND TO HEAR THE PLOP, SO SHE
PUT IT INTO A SHOE BOX. SHE CAME OUT AND PUT THE
BOX ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AND THEN CLIMBED IN. A FEW
MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLIMB IN
WHEN HE STEPPED ON THE SHOE BOX. HE YELLED OUT,
"THIS BOX IS FULL OF SHIT." "TURN HER OVER," SAID
HIS BEST MAN.
Submitter comment: I DO NOT KNOW WHERE NOR WHEN I HEARD THIS.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple |
Date learned: 04-16-1965