The James T. Callow Folklore Archive
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ONE NIGHT, NIGHT BEFORE 24 ROBBERS CAME KNOCKING AT MY DOOR AND I GOT
UP AND LET THEM IN AND HIT THEM IN THE HEAD WITH A ROLLING PIN, THE
ROLLING PIN WAS MADE OUT OF BRASS I TURNED AROUND AND SMACKED MY ASS
WENT UPSTAIRS TO SAY MY PRAYERS AND THE BOOGIE MAN GRABBED ME BY MY
HAIRS, WENT DOWN STAIRS TO START A FIRE AND BURNED MY PENIS ON A RED
HOT WIRE.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
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LOVED BY THE DELTA'S, AND CHASED BY THE AKA'S.I WOULD'VE GOT WITH A
QUE PEARL BUT THE FLEAS GOT IN THE WAY.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
Date learned: 11-19-1987
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A man died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped
him and said that he could not go to heaven because of his
many sins. The man protested, and asked what he had done
that was so bad. St. Peter replied that the man had
committed many sexual sins, chief among them that he had had
oral sex. "But St. Peter," the man exclaimed, "everyone
on earth does it, so how can it be wrong?" St. Peter did
not want to punish the man unfairly, and so he asked God
what he should do. God instructed him to go down to Earth
and find out for himself how things were. After a long
time St. Peter returned, shaking his head. "God," he said,
"it's even worse than we feared! Almost everyone is
performing oral sex. There are only a few virtuous souls
who are obeying your commandments." Then God instructed
St. Peter to make up a special plaque to honor those who
did not partake of oral sex, hoping that it would encourage
others to be good. And do you know what it said? (At this
point in the joke, the teller addresses the listener with
an earnest tone. When the listener says "No, what did it
say?", the teller laughs out:) "So you didn't get one
either!"
Submitter comment:
This was a joke that was popular in the steel mill where
Tom works. The men especially liked telling this joke
to women whom they thought would be embarrassed.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DEARBORN
Keyword(s):
Catch story, pornographic
Date learned: 00001980CA
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THERE WAS THIS LADY THAT HAD NO ARMS OR LEGS. SHE
WAS LYING ON THE BEACH. SHE STARTS CRYING. THIS
MAN COMES BY AND ASKS HER WHAT'S WRONG. SHE SAYS THAT
SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HELD BY A MAN BEFORE. SO THE MAN
PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND HOLDS HER. SOON AFTER
SHE STARTS CRYING AGAIN. ANOTHER MAN COMES BY AND
ASKS HER WHAT'S WRONG. SHE SAYS THAT SHE HAS NEVER
BEEN KISSED BY A MAN BEFORE. SO HE KISSES HER. SOON
AFTER SHE STARTS CRYING AGAIN. ANOTHER MAN COMES BY
AND ASKS HER WHAT'S WRONG. SHE SAYS THAT SHE HAS NEVER
BEEN FUCKED BEFORE BY A MAN. SO THE MAN PICKS HER UP AND
THROWS HER IN THE WATER. THEN HE SAYS TO THE WOMAN,
"NOW? YOU'VE BEEN FUCKED."
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
Date learned: 00001980S
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HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED
THREE MEN MADE A FRIENDLY WAGER AMONGST THEMSELVES THAT
THEY COULD EACH SEDUCE THE SAME WOMAN. THEY CHOSE A VERY
ATTRACTIVE NEW WOMAN IN TOWN, NO ONE REALLY KNEW. SHE
LIVED AT HOME WITH HER FATHER. ALL THREE APPROACHED THE
WOMAN SEPARATELY, ON VARIOUS DAYS, JUST CLAIMING TO BE
NEIGHBORLY. THE WOMAN, SUSPECTING NOTHING, WAS WINED AND
DINED BY ALL THREE. SOON THE WOMAN FELL IN LOVE WITH ALL
THREE. SHE DECIDED TO CHOOSE JUST ONE AND TELL THE OTHER
TWO AFTER SHE PREPARED A DINNER FOR EACH OF THEM.
WHILE SHE WAS OUT SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES SHE PASSED BY A
LOCAL BARBER SHOP AND ACCIDENTALLY HEARD THE MEN BRAGGING
AND LAUGHING ABOUT THEIR WHOLE SCHEME. HURT AND
HUMILIATED SHE RAN HOME, BUT VOWED REVENGE. SHE CONTINUED
TO SEE EACH MAN FOR THE NEXT WEEK, AND DID PREPARE EACH
MAN A SPECIAL PRIME RIB DINNER, FROM HER OWN SPECIAL
RECIPE, HANDED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. THEY
EACH ATE THEIR RESPECTIVE DINNERS AND WENT HOME. OVER THE
NEXT FEW DAYS THE THREE MEN FOUND THEMSELVES MADLY IN LOVE
WITH THE WOMAN. THEY SOON BEGAN TO FIGHT AMONGST
THEMSELVES OVER HER AND KILLED ONE ANOTHER. THAT NIGHT
THE WOMAN'S FATHER ASKED HER, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THOSE
MEN? " THE WOMAN REPLIED, "NOTHING REALLY, PAPA; I JUST
LISTENED TO WHAT MAMA ALWAYS SAID, THE WAY TO A MAN'S
HEART IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH." "WITH THE HELP OF A PRIME
RIBS SOAKED OVERNIGHT IN BARBECUE SAUCE MADE FROM YOUR
MENSTRUATION FLUID, AND URINE." SAID HER FATHER. SHOCKED,
THE GIRL STOOD UP, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" "I'D ONLY SMELLED
RIBS THAT GOOD ONE OTHER TIME IN MY LIFE, WHEN YOUR MOTHER
PREPARED THE SAME DINNER FOR ME," REPLIED HER FATHER.
Where learned: TENNESSEE ; RIPLEY
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"OH HOW DO I LOVE THEE"
Historical record from James Callow Folklore Archive.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED A MAN WHO HAD A VERY
MADDENING PASSION FOR BAKED BEANS. HE LOVED THEM BUT THEY
ALWAYS HAD A VERY EMBARRASSING AND SOMEWHAT LIVELY
REACTION UPON HIM. BY AND BY HE MET A GIRL AND FELL IN
LOVE. WHEN IT BECAME APPARENT THAT THEY WOULD MARRY HE
THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, "SHE IS SUCH A SWEET AND GENTLE GIRL
THAT SHE WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THIS KIND OF CARRYING
ON." THEREFORE, HE MADE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE AND GAVE UP
BAKED BEANS. THEY WERE MARRIED SOON THEREAFTER. SOME
MONTHS LATER HIS CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK.
BECAUSE THEY LIVED IN THE COUNTRY, HE CALLED HIS WIFE AND
TOLD HER THAT HE WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE OF THE MISFORTUNE
AND THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO WALK HOME. ON HIS WAY HOME HE
PASSED A SMALL CAFE. THE ODOR OF FRESHLY BAKED BEANS WAS
OVERWHELMING. BECAUSE HE STILL HAD SEVERAL MILES TO WALK,
HE FIGURED THAT HE WOULD WORK OFF THE ILL EFFECTS OF THE
BEANS BEFORE HE REACHED HOME, SO HE STOPPED AT THE CAFE.
BEFORE HE LEFT HE HAD EATEN THREE LARGE SERVINGS OF BAKED
BEANS, AND ALL THE WAY HOME HE FARTED. UPON ARRIVING
HOME HE FELT REASONABLY SAFE THAT HE HAD PASSED HIS LAST
FART. HIS WIFE SEEMED SOMEWHAT AGITATED AND EXCITED TO
SEE HIM. DELIGHTFULLY SHE EXCLAIMED, "DARLING, I HAVE THE
MOST WONDERFUL SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT." SHE THEN
BLINDFOLDED HIM AND LED HIM TO A CHAIR AT THE HEAD OF THE
DINNER TABLE. HE SEATED HIMSELF AND JUST AS SHE WAS READY
TO REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD THE TELEPHONE RANG. SHE MADE HIM
VOW NOT TO TOUCH THE BLINDFOLD UNTIL SHE RETURNED AND THEN
SHE WENT TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE. SEIZING THE
OPPORTUNITY, HE SHIFTED WEIGHT TO ONE LEG AND LET ONE GO.
IT WAS NOT ONLY LOUD, BUT EXTREMELY RIPE, AS A ROTTEN EGG.
HE TOOK THE NAPKIN FROM HIS LAP AND VIGOROUSLY FANNED THE
AIR ABOUT HIM. THINGS HAD JUST RETURNED TO NORMAL WHEN HE
FELT THE URGE COMING ON HIM AGAIN, SO HE SHIFTED HIS
WEIGHT TO THE OTHER LEG AND LET GO AGAIN. THIS WAS A TRUE
PRIZE WINNER. WHILE KEEPING HIS EAR TO THE CONVERSATION
IN THE HALL, HE CARRIED ON LIKE THIS FOR OVER 10 MINUTES,
UNLEASHING AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY WHEN THE URGE CAME UPON
HIM. WHEN HE HEARD THE TELEPHONE FAREWELLS HE KNEW HIS
FREEDOM WAS AT AN END, SO HE PLACED THE NAPKIN ON HIS LAP
AND FOLDED HIS HANDS ON TOP OF IT. SMILING CONTENTLY TO
HIMSELF, HE WAS THE VERY PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHEN HIS
WIFE RETURNED APOLOGIZING FOR TALKING SO LONG. SHE ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD PEEKED AND HE ASSURED HER THAT HE HAD NOT.
AT THIS POINT SHE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD AND THERE WAS HIS
BIG SURPRISE. AT THE TABLE SAT TWELVE GUESTS SEATED
AROUND THE TABLE FOR A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR HIM.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
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"BERTHA BROWN"
"DID YOU HEAR THE STORY ABOUT BERTHA BROWN
NO MAN TRIED TO BRING HER DOWN.
THEN AROUND THE HILL COMES BIG BALLS PETE
WITH FORTY POUNDS OF SWINGING MEAT.
HE GOT BERTHA DOWN RIGHT ON THE GROUND
AND THAT DAMN BERTHA SHE LET A FROWN.
THOUGHT SHE WAS SMART
BLEW A FART
AND BLEW PETE'S MEAT ALL APART.
NOW THEY CALL HIM SMALL BALLS PETE
WITH FORTY POUNDS OF SHREDDED MEAT."
Submitter comment:
SONG SUNG WITH SLIGHT PAUSE AFTER EACH LINE.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SAGINAW
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Historical record from James Callow Folklore Archive.
A boy walks up to his father covering something up
in his hands.
The father asks,
"What do you have covered up in your hands son?"
The boy replies,
"It's a bullfrog."
The father asks,
"What are going to do with it son?"
The boy replies,
"I'm going into town to trade it in for a bull."
A couple of hours later the boy comes back leading
a bull.
The next day the boy walks up to his father covering
something up in his hands.
The father asks,
"What do you have covered up in your hands son?"
The boy replies,
"Its a horsefly."
The father asks,
"What are you going to do with it son?"
The boy replies,
"I'm going into town to trade it in for a horse."
A couple of hours later the boy comes back leading
a horse.
The next day the boy walks up to his father covering
something up in his hands.
The father asks,
"What do you have covered in your hands son?"
The boy replies,
"It's a pussywillow."
The father says,
"Hold on a second son while I go and get my coat. I'll
drive you into town."
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; LENNON
James Callow Keyword(s):
Pussy = vulgar slang for illicit sex or sexy women
Date learned: 00-00-1989
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THERE WAS A MAN FROM BOSTON,
WHO HAD A LITTLE AUSTIN,
IT HAD ROOM FOR HIS ASS AND A GALLON OF GAS,
AND HIS BALLS HUNG OUT SO, HE LOST THEM.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; CASEVILLE
Date learned: 00001940S
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HERE I STAND IN THE OLD COW TRAIL,
WITH MY PECKER IN MY HAND AND HEIFER BY THE TAIL,
JUST FOR FUN I GAVE A LITTLE YELL,
THE HORSE GAVE A JUMP AND THE HEIFER WENT TO HELL.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; CASEVILLE
Date learned: 00001940S
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THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO TELL HOW LARGE A MAN'S PENIS IS.
IF A MAN HAS BIG FEET, BIG HANDS, A BIG NOSE, OR LARGE EARS,
HE IS SURE TO HAVE A LARGE PENIS. CONVERSELY, IF A MAN HAS
SMALL FEET, SMALL HANDS, A SMALL NOSE, OR SMALL EARS,
HE MUST HAVE A SMALL PENIS.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
James Callow Keyword(s):
CORRESPONDENCE ; SIZE
Date learned: 00001985ca
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The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their
design. First was a butcher smart with wit; using a knife he gave it
a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold; with a hammer and
chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin; using
red velvet he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout;
with a piece of fur he trimmed it about. Fifth was a fisherman nasty
as hell; he threw in some fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a
preacher whose name was McGee; he touched it and blessed it and said
it could pee. Finally came a sailor, a dirty little runt; he sucked
it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
Date learned: 00-00-1991
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Mickey and Huey were playing in a ditch.
Mickey call Huey a dirty son of a bitch.
So they put him in a piss pot
to see if he could swim.
That duck swam to the bottom
And he swam to the top.
Then along came a bumblebee
and stun him on his cock.
Ginger ale five cents a glass
If you don't like it you can
shove it up your ass.
Ask me no more questions
and I'll tell you no more lies.
An old man got hit with a ball of shit
right between the eyes.
Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT
James Callow Keyword(s):
stung
Date learned: 00-00-1981
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