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The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

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NEWLYWED STORY

A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED TOOK GREAT PRIDE
IN THEIR VIRGINITY. IN FACT BOTH TRIED TO OUTDO THE
OTHER. FINALLY, THE DAY OF THE WEDDING CAME, AND
WHILE THE GROOM WAS TAKING A SHOWER EARLY IN THE DAY,
HE SLIPPED AND STRANGELY ENOUGH HE BROKE HIS PENIS.
HE WAS RUSHED TO A DOCTOR WHERE HIS PENIS WAS PLACED
IN A SPLINT AND BANDAGED. HE MANAGED TO GET THROUGH
THE DAY AND EVENTUALLY THE COUPLE WERE UNDRESSING
IN THEIR HONEYMOON SUITE. THE GIRL PEALED OFF HER
BLOUSE AND BRA AND PROUDLY COMMENTED THAT HER
BREASTS HAVE NEVER BEEN TOUCHED BY ANYONE UNTIL NOW.
THAT'S HOW SPECIAL THEY WERE. WHEREUPON, THE GROOM
TOOK OFF HIS PANTS TO REVEAL THE PENIS ENCASED IN
THE SPLINT. PROUDLY, HE SAID, "THIS IS SO SPECIAL
IT ISN'T EVEN OUT OF THE CRATE YET."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 12-31-1966

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Entry filtered.

IMPOTENCE STORY

IT SEEMS THAT JOE WAS HAVING TROUBLE FULFILLING HIS SEXUAL
OBLIGATIONS TO HIS SPOUSE. HE WENT TO HIS DOCTOR WHO
OFFERED HIM A SOLUTION.
THE DOCTOR SAID, "JOE, WE HAVE JUST MADE A BREAKTHROUGH
IN THIS AREA. WE HAVE DEVELOPED A PILL WHICH RESULTS
IN AN ERECTION. HOWEVER, WE ARE NOT SURE HOW SAFE
THEY ARE; THEREFORE, YOU MAKE (SURE) NOT TO TAKE MORE
THAN THREE PILLS A YEAR OR THEY WILL PROBABLY RESULT IN
YOUR DEATH."
NEEDLESS TO SAY, JOE TOOK THE PILLS, BUT LEARNED FROM
THE DOCTOR THAT THE SOUND BEEP-BEEP WOULD TERMINATE THE
ERECTION. AS SOON AS JOE LEFT THE OFFICE, HE TRIED A
PILL. STANDING AND WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR, HE WAS
EMBARRASSED, AS HE HAD AN ERECTION AS HE HADN'T HAD IN
TWENTY YEARS. BECAUSE A CROWD HAD GATHERED, HE WAS
FORCED TO SAY BEEP-BEEP. THE ERECTION ENDED
IMMEDIATELY. RUSHING HOME HE SAW HIS WIFE ON THE
PORCH. HE YELLED FOR HER TO GO INSIDE AND GET
UNDRESSED AND HE SWALLOWED A PILL. AS HE WAS RUNNING
IN TO THE HOUSE, A CAR PASSED AND A FRIEND WAVED AND
TOOTED BEEP-BEEP. SWEARING AS THE ERECTION DIED, HE
FOLLOWED HIS WIFE INTO THE BEDROOM AND TOOK THE LAST
OF THE PILLS. AS HIW WIFE JUMPED ON THE BED, SHE
TURNED TO HIM AND ASKED, "WHAT IS ALL THIS BEEP-BEEP
CRAP?"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 03-05-1967

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VARIANT OF IMPOTENCE STORY

IT SEEMS MR. JONES DECIDED TO GIVE UP SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
FOR LENT. HE WAS TELLING A FRIEND ABOUT HIS PROBLEM IN
ABSTAINING.
"THE FIRST FEW DAYS IT WASN'T SO BAD, BUT EVERYDAY AFTER
THAT IT BECAME WORSE. ONE DAY SHE BENT OVER TO PICK UP
A CAN AND I ALMOST ATTACKED HER, BUT I FOUGHT IT OFF.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, SHE BENT OVER AGAIN AND I ALMOST
SCREAMED, BUT I FOUGHT IT OFF. THE NEXT TIME SHE BENT
OVER, TO PICK UP A CAN, I COULDN'T FIGHT IT ANY LONGER.
I GRABBED HER, THREW HER DOWN, TORE OFF HER CLOTHES,
AND FINALLY SATISFIED MYSELF. OF COURSE, THEY WON'T
LET US SHOP AT A & P ANYMORE."

Submitter comment: THIS STORY, I BELIEVE, IS THE SAME AS THE ONE ABOUT
HOWARD JOHNSON'S. THE INFORMANT, A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN
FROM STEUBENVILLE, OHIO, IS PROUD OF HIS ABILITY TO
RELATE A STORY. HE HAS A SLIGHT OHIO DRAWL WHICH
ADDS A GREAT DEAL TO THE EFFECT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-20-1967

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IMPOTENCE STORY-VARIANT

MRS. JONES WENT TO THE DOCTOR TO SEEK INFORMATION ABOUT
WHAT TO DO ABOUT HER HUSBAND. APPARENTLY, HE HAD LOST
HIS SEXUAL URGE AND SHE WONDERED IF THE DOCTOR HAD
SOMETHING FOR SUCH A PROBLEM. THE DOCTOR, OF COURSE,
HAD JUST THE THING. MRS. JONES WAS TO PUT SOME POWDER
IN MR. JONES' FOOD AND THE RESULTS WOULD BE ALMOST
IMMEDIATE. A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE VISIT, THE DOCTOR
MET MRS. JONES AND ASKED HER WHAT HAD HAPPENED.
"WELL," MRS. JONES RELATED, "I GAVE HIM SOME POWDER
THAT VERY EVENING AND NOTHING HAPPENED. I GAVE HIM SOME
MORE FOR BREAKFAST AND AGAIN, NOTHING HAPPENED.
THE NEXT NIGHT WHILE WE WERE EATING DINNER,
I SPRINKLED A LIBERAL SUPPLY ON HIS PLATE WHEN HE WASN'T
LOOKING. A FEW MINUTES LATER, HE PULLED OFF THE TABLE
CLOTH, THREW THE DISHES WILDLY INTO THE AIR, GRABBED
ME, TORE OFF MY DRESS, LAID ME ON THE TABLE AND
PRACTICALLY RAPED ME."
"YOU SOUND AS IF YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED, MRS. JONES,"
SAID THE DOC.
"WELL, I ENJOYED THE INTERCOURSE, BUT WE ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO GO INTO HOWARD JOHNSON'S ANYMORE," SAID MRS. JONES.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

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MARRIAGE JOKE

A FLIRT IS A WOMAN WHO BELIEVES THAT IT'S EVERY MAN FOR
HERSELF.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

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MARRIAGE JOKE

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SINGLE MAN AND A MARRIED MAN IS
THAT A SINGLE MAN HAS NO BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT AND A
MARRIED MAN HAS NO SHIRT.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-15-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

ALL MEN MAKE MISTAKES. HUSBANDS FIND OUT ABOUT THEM
SOONER.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-15-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

THE AVERAGE MAN HAS PROBABLY THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT RUNNING
AWAY FROM HOME--ONCE AS A CHILD, AGAIN AS A HUSBAND.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-15-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

"YOU CAN'T SAY WHAT ADAM SAID TO EVE IN THE GARDEN OF
EDEN," WACHS ADDED, SLYLY. WHAT WAS THAT, THE STRAIGHT
WOMAN REPORTER ASKED? "MAYBE WE BETTER TURN OVER A
NEW LEAF."

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-15-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

SOME WOMEN NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY WANT UNTIL THEY FIND
OUT WHAT THEIR HUSBANDS CAN'T AFFORD.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; THE DETROIT NEWS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 02-15-1967

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TOGETHERNESS

I WAS TALKING TO MY NEIGHBOR LADY OVER THE WEEKEND AND
SHE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT HER BROTHER WHOSE WIFE DIED.
THE BROTHER HAD SAID THAT IF HIS WIFE DIED, HE WOULD
DIE TOO. SHE DIED ON A TUESDAY AND HE DIED ON
WEDNESDAY. THEY BURIED THEM TOGETHER.

Where learned: WHITEHEAD AND KALES ; MILL STREET PLANT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 01-30-1967

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LOVE LETTER

TO MY LOVING WIFE:
DURING THE PAST YEAR I HAVE TRIED TO SEDUCE YOU 365 TIMES.
I HAVE SUCCEEDED ONLY 36 TIMES. THIS IS AN AVERAGE
OF ONCE EVERY TEN DAYS. THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF WHY
I DID NOT SUCCEED MORE OFTEN:
WE'LL WAKE THE CHILDREN................17
IT'S TOO LATE..........................23
IT'S TOO HOT...........................15
IT'S TOO COLD...........................5
IT'S TOO EARLY.........................15
PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP................49
WINDOW OPEN, NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR........9
BACKACHE...............................16
HEADACHE................................6
TOOTHACHE...............................2
GIGGLES.................................4
TOO FULL...............................10
NOT IN THE MOOD........................17
BABY IS CRYING.........................21
WATCHED LATE TV SHOW....................5
MUDPACK.................................1
NEW HAIR-DO............................25
COMPANY IN NEXT ROOM....................11
YOU HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM...........19
DURING THE 36 TIMES I DID SUCCEED, THE ACTIVITY WAS NOT
ENTIRELY SATISFACTORY BECAUSE:
6 TIMES YOU CHEWED GUM THE WHOLE TIME.
5 TIMES YOU WATCHED TV THE WHOLE TIME.
18 TIMES YOU TOLD ME TO HURRY UP AND GET IT OVER WITH.
6 TIMES I HAD TO WAKEN YOU AND TELL YOU WE WERE THROUGH.
AND 1 TIME I WAS AFRAID I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE I FELT
YOU MOVE.
HONEY, IT'S NO DAMN WONDER I DRINK SO MUCH.
(SIGNED) YOUR LOVING HUSBAND.

Where learned: WHITEHEAD AND KALES ; MILL STREET PLANT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 03-20-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

THEIR MARRIAGE WAS A 50-50 ARRANGEMENT. EVERY TIME
SHE BOUGHT A $50 DRESS, HE BOUGHT A 50 CENT TIE.

Submitter comment: READ THEM IN THE FREE PRESS, BUT DOESN'T REMEMBER ISSUE
DATE OR ARTICLE TITLE. COLLECTED 3/19/67.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; DETROIT FREE PRESS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

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MARRIAGE JOKE

MARRIAGE IS LIKE TAKING A BATH. AFTER YOU GET USED TO
IT, IT ISN'T SO HOT.

Submitter comment: READ THEM IN THE FREE PRESS, BUT DOESN'T REMEMBER ISSUE
DATE OR ARTICLE TITLE. COLLECTED 3/19/67.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; DETROIT FREE PRESS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 03-19-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

FIFTY PERCENT OF MARRIED PEOPLE ARE WOMEN--THE OTHER 50
PERCENT ARE JUST OUT OF LUCK.

Submitter comment: READ THEM IN THE FREE PRESS, BUT DOESN'T REMEMBER ISSUE
DATE OR ARTICLE TITLE. COLLECTED 3/19/67.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; DETROIT FREE PRESS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 03-19-1967

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MARRIAGE JOKE

THERE ARE THREE RINGS THAT MAKE A MARRIAGE: ENGAGEMENT,
RING, MARRIAGE RING, AND SUFFER-RING.

Submitter comment: READ THEM IN THE FREE PRESS, BUT DOESN'T REMEMBER ISSUE
DATE OR ARTICLE TITLE. COLLECTED 3/19/67.

Where learned: NEWSPAPER ; DETROIT FREE PRESS

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 03-19-1967

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CANDID CAMERA STORY (TELEVISION PROGRAM: CANDID CAMERA)

IT SEEMS A MAN CAME HOME FOR DINNER TO FIND HIS WIFE
DRESSED IN AN UNUSUALLY ATTRACTIVE MANNER. BECAUSE HE
HAD SPENT THE ENTIRE AFTERNOON IN A MOTEL WITH HIS
SECRETARY, HE FEARED THAT IF HIS WIFE FOR SOME
STRANGE REASON WOULD MAKE SEXUAL DEMANDS UPON HIM,
HE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO RESPOND. HE KNEW THIS WOULD
MAKE HER SUSPICIOUS. SHE SEATS HIM GRACIOUSLY IN
THE LIVING ROOM AND ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WOULD RETURN
IN A FEW MINUTES WITH A MANHATTAN.
FEAR TURNED TO PANIC! HE OPENED HIS PANTS, MASSAGED
HIS PENIS, AND BEGAN TO MASTURBATE TO TRY TO STIMULATE
HIMSELF A BIT. HEARING HIS WIFE RETURNING, HE
CONFIDENTLY RE-ZIPS HIS FLY AND PRETENDS HE HAS
BEEN CASUALLY AWAITING THE DRINK. AFTER A FEW SIPS,
HE ASKED HIS WIFE (JOKINGLY) WHAT THE OCCASION WAS.
SHE TOLD HIM THAT SINCE HE WALKED INTO THE HOUSE,
THEY HAD BEEN ON CANDID CAMERA. ALL THEIR FAMILY
AND FRIENDS HAD BEEN INFORMED AND THEY WERE WATCHING
ON TELEVISION.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 00-00-1960

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JOKE

THERE WAS A MAN WHO HAD A VERY WANTON, BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
ONE DAY SHE WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR A CHECKUP AND HER
HUSBAND DECIDED TO PICK HER UP. WHEN HE CAME INTO
THE OFFICE, HE FOUND THEM HAVING A PASSIONATE AFFAIR.
HIS WIFE WAS ABOVE THE DOCTOR. THE DOCTOR TRYING
VAINLY TO COVER UP SAID, "I'M TAKING HER TEMPERATURE!"
THE MAN SAID, "I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MEDICINE, BUT
THAT THING HAD BETTER HAVE NUMBERS ON IT WHEN IT
COMES OUT!"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; EAST DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 04-02-1967

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KEEP IT WARM

A MAN AND A WOMAN GOT MARRIED, AND ON THEIR FIRST NIGHT
THEY WENT AT IT HOT AND HEAVY. THE NEXT MORNING,
WHEN THEY AWOKE, SHE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR
BREAKFAST, DEAR?" HE REPLIED, "NOTHING, LET'S GO AT
IT AGAIN." SO THEY WENT AT IT. HE GOT UP AND WENT
OFF TO WORK. WHEN HE CAME HOME FOR LUNCH, HIS WIFE
SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH, DEAR?" HE REPLIED,
"NOTHING, LET'S GO AT IT AGAIN." SO THEY WENT AT IT.
THE HUSBAND GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO WORK. WHEN HE
CAME BACK HE SAW HIS WIFE STANDING ON THE SECOND
FLOOR BANISTER. AS SOON AS SHE SAW HIM, SHE SLID
DOWN IT, RAN BACK UPSTAIRS AND REPEATED IT THREE OR
FOUR TIMES AND ENDS UP ON THE TOP OF THE BANISTER.
HE SAID, "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" SHE
ANSWERED, "NOTHING, DEAR, I'M JUST WARMING UP YOUR
SUPPER."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT HEARD THIS ON THE CAMPUS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF
DETROIT. HE DOES NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHEN.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 04-08-1965

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THE ROAD SIDE RESTAURANT

A MAN, HIS WIFE AND CHILD GO INTO A ROAD SIDE RESTAURANT.
THE MAN ORDERS 2 HAMBURGERS AND A HOT DOG. THE WAITRESS
(AN UGLY OLD BITCH) PUTS TWO HAMBURGERS UNDER HER ARM
PITS. THE MAN SAID, "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
SHE ANSWERED, "I'M WARMING THEM UP." HE SAID, "FORGET
ABOUT THE HOT DOG."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT HEARD THIS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Married couple

Date learned: 04-08-1965

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