The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

LOVE LETTER

TO MY LOVING WIFE:
DURING THE PAST YEAR I HAVE TRIED TO SEDUCE YOU 365 TIMES.
I HAVE SUCCEEDED ONLY 36 TIMES. THIS IS AN AVERAGE
OF ONCE EVERY TEN DAYS. THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF WHY
I DID NOT SUCCEED MORE OFTEN:
WE'LL WAKE THE CHILDREN................17
IT'S TOO LATE..........................23
IT'S TOO HOT...........................15
IT'S TOO COLD...........................5
IT'S TOO EARLY.........................15
PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP................49
WINDOW OPEN, NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR........9
BACKACHE...............................16
HEADACHE................................6
TOOTHACHE...............................2
GIGGLES.................................4
TOO FULL...............................10
NOT IN THE MOOD........................17
BABY IS CRYING.........................21
WATCHED LATE TV SHOW....................5
MUDPACK.................................1
NEW HAIR-DO............................25
COMPANY IN NEXT ROOM....................11
YOU HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM...........19
DURING THE 36 TIMES I DID SUCCEED, THE ACTIVITY WAS NOT
ENTIRELY SATISFACTORY BECAUSE:
6 TIMES YOU CHEWED GUM THE WHOLE TIME.
5 TIMES YOU WATCHED TV THE WHOLE TIME.
18 TIMES YOU TOLD ME TO HURRY UP AND GET IT OVER WITH.
6 TIMES I HAD TO WAKEN YOU AND TELL YOU WE WERE THROUGH.
AND 1 TIME I WAS AFRAID I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE I FELT
YOU MOVE.
HONEY, IT'S NO DAMN WONDER I DRINK SO MUCH.
(SIGNED) YOUR LOVING HUSBAND.

Where learned: WHITEHEAD AND KALES ; MILL STREET PLANT

Date learned: 03-20-1967