IN THE ARMY IF YOU GET SICK, THEY GIVE YOU A WAC AND
PUT YOU TO BED.

Submitter comment: INFORMANT LEARNED THIS IN CHIAGO.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT ; ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

James Callow Keyword(s): PUN ON WHACK

Date learned: 12-02-1967

View just this record

HEALING WATERS

ONE WINTER A GREAT PLAGUE STRUCK AND MANY INDIANS DIED. ONE YOUNG
MAN NAMED MONTA HAD LOST ALL HIS FAMILY BUT HIS NEW WIFE, WHO WAS
ILL. MONTA PRAYED TO MANITOU, THE GREAT SPIRIT, TO GIVE HIM A
PLANT WHICH WOULD CURE HIS WIFE. AFTER HIS PRAYER, HE COVERED HIS
WIFE WITH SOFT FIRS AND BEGAN HIS SEARCH OVER THE SNOW-COVERED
EARTH. FOR THREE DAYS HE SEARCHED, BUT THE PLANTS WERE ALL SLEEP-
ING UNTIL SPRING AND NO ANIMALS WERE IN SIGHT. FINALLY HE FELL
ASLEEP. ALL THE ANIMALS OF THE FOREST GATHERED AROUND, FOR HE
HAD ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO THEM. THEY PRAYED TO THE GREAT SPIRIT TO
HELP MONTA. THE GREAT SPIRIT HEARD AND SENT MONTA A DREAM. IN
THE DREAM MONTA SAW HIS WIFE WELL AND HEARD HER SINGING. SHE SANG
OF THE HEALING WATERS OF THE GREAT MANITOU. WHEN MONTA AWOKE HE
HEARD THE WATERS SINGING AND BEGAN TO DIG UNDER HIS FEET. UP
SPRANG THE HEALING WATERS. HE WASHED IN THE WATER AND BECAME
STRONG. HE TOOK WATER TO HIS WIFE AND SHE WAS SAVED. FROM THEN
ON, THE PEOPLE OF THE VILLAGE BATHED IN THE SPRING AND WERE NEVER
ILL AGAIN.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1970

View just this record

MONOLOGUE

THERE ONCE LIVED A YOUNG INDIAN GIRL CALLED NO ONE'S MAIDEN, FOR
SHE HAD NO PARENTS AND LIVED WITH THE WITCHDOCTOR AND HIS MEAN
WIFE. NO ONE'S MAIDEN WORKED TOO HARD TO PLAY OR DANCE AND NO
MAN WISHED HER FOR SHE HAD NO DOWRY. ONE NIGHT THE WITCH DOCTOR
TOLD HER TO GO FOR A WALK, SO SHE SAT BY THE LAKE AND GAZED AT
THE MOON. SHE SANG A SONG ABOUT HOW LONELY SHE WAS AND TOLD THE
MOON SHE WAS SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE WAS LONELY TOO. THE INDIANS
CALLED THE MOON NANNY. SHE TOLD NANNY SHE WOULD LIKE TO VISIT
HIM AND CHEER HIM UP. THE MOON BEGAN TO SHINE AND A SILVER PATH
CAME DOWN FOR NO ONE'S MAIDEN TO VISIT ON. THE MOON CALLED HER
NANNY MAYEY, WHICH MEANS MOON PATH. FOR TWO NIGHTS SHE VISITED
THE MOON BUT ON THE SECOND NIGHT WAS SEEN BY HER PEOPLE. SHE
RETURNED TO THEM AS NANNY MAYEY AND WAS ADORED BY ALL. EVEN NOW,
HOWEVER, NANNY THROWS DOWN THE SILVER PATH TO REMIND PEOPLE OF
NANNY MAYEY.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1970

View just this record

A SPIRIT

WHEN I WAS LIVING IN CHICAGO DURING THE 1960S MY BROTHER
HAD PASSED AWAY MAYBE THREE OR FOUR MONTHS BEFORE. ONE
NIGHT I WOKE UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AS USUAL, AND WHEN
I LOOKED, MY BROTHER WAS STANDING AT THE FOOT OF MY BED
AND I THOUGHT MY EYES WERE PLAYING TRICKS ON ME, SO I
CLOSED THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN I GOT UP AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM AND BEFORE I REACHED THE LIGHT SWITCH MY
BROTHER WAS SITTING ON THE CLOTHES HAMPER. WHEN THE
LIGHT WENT ON HE WAS GONE.

Submitter comment: CHICAGO, 1960S

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT ; ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 10-30-1971 ; 00001960S

View just this record

THE GIRL WITH THE RIBBON AROUND HER NECK

A YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING COURTED AND HER YOUNG MAN KEPT
ASKING HER TO REMOVE THE CHOKER RIBBON SHE WORE AROUND
HER NECK. FOR AS LONG AS HE HAD KNOWN HER, SHE HAD
ALWAYS WORN THE SAME RIBBON AND HE HAD GROWN QUITE TIRED
OF IT. THEY WERE MARRIED ANYWAY, IN SPITE OF HER REFUSAL
TO REMOVE THE RIBBON. ON THE HONEYMOON HE ASKED HER FOR
THE ONE GREAT FAVOR TO HIM, OF REMOVING THE RIBBON. SHE
RELUCTANTLY AGREED, REMOVED THE RIBBON AND HER HEAD
FELL OFF.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 02-00-1971

View just this record

THE RARIE

ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO LIVED ALL ALONE, AND HE
VERY OFTEN FELT PRETTY LONESOME. MANY FRIENDS OF HIS HAD
SUGGESTED THAT HE GO OUT AND BUY HIMSELF A PET TO KEEP
HIM COMPANY, BUT HE JUST DIDN'T CARE FOR PETS AS A RULE--
UNLESS IT WAS THE ONLY KIND OF ITS SPECIE IN THE WORLD.
THIS MAN USED TO MAKE WEEKLY ROUNDS TO ALL THE PET SHOPS
IN HIS CITY TO SEE IF THEY HAD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH A
PET WHICH WOULD REALLY TICKLE HIS FANCY, BUT HE NEVER
FOUND ONE THAT WAS QUITE RIGHT. HE LOOKED AT YELLOW-AND-
RED ELEPHANTS, PURPLE POLAR BEARS, ORANGE AARDVARKS, AND
EQUALLY STRANGE ANIMALS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT
HE STILL FELT HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED WITH THESE.
AFTER ALL, EVERYONE IN HIS CITY HAD AT LEAST ONE ORANGE
AARDVARK.
THIS FELLA HAD JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP ALL HOPE OF FINDING
WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR, WHEN ONE DAY HE HAPPENED TO
WANDER INTO A LITTLE PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED
THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE LUMP OF FUR HE HAD EVER SEEN.
HE KNEW AT THAT INSTANT IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD BEEN
LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE. HE ASKED THE PROPRIETOR ABOUT
THIS LITTLE ANIMAL, AND WAS TOLD IT WAS A "RARIE," THE
ONLY ONE OF ITS KIND IN EXISTENCE. THE MAN JUST COULDN'T
RESIST, AND HE BOUGHT IT RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT, AND
WALKED HOME WITH IT IN A LITTLE CAGE, HAPPIER THAN HE
HAD EVER BEEN IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, SIR, THIS HERE FELLA REALLY LOVED HIS NEW PET. HE
DIDN'T MIND AT ALL HAVING TO WALK 37 MILES EACH WEEK IN
ORDER TO BUY THE LITTLE FELLA FOOD! AFTER ALL, RARIE-
FOOD ISN'T TOO EASY TO COME BY THESE DAYS--ESPECIALLY
IN THE OFF-SEASON. HE BECAME SO ATTACHED TO IT, YOU
WOULD THINK IT WAS HIS CHILD. HE FED IT, BATHED IT, AND
EXERCISED IT DAILY, AS HE PROUDLY WATCHED IT GROW, AND
GROW, AND GROW, AND GROW. THIS SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY
REAL PROBLEM WITH HAVING A PET SUCH AS THIS. WHEN WELL
CARED FOR, RARIES GROW TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE! AFTER ABOUT A
MONTH, THE MAN FOUND IT NECESSARY TO MOVE OUT OF HIS
APARTMENT AND BUY A SMALL HOUSE SO THAT HIS PET WOULD
HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC (RARIES NEED LOTS OF ROOM
TO ROMP AND FROLIC AND THEY GET CLAUSTROPHOBIA VERY
EASILY). SURE ENOUGH, A COUPLE MONTHS LATER THE MAN
HAD TO MOVE OUT OF HIS LITTLE HOUSE AND INTO A BIG
HOUSE, JUST SO HIS PET COULD ROMP AND FROLIC TO ITS HEART'S
DESIRE. OF COURSE, THE MAN DIDN'T MIND HAVING TO MAKE
THE MOVE--HE LOVED THAT PET LIKE A CHILD. BUT IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE THE MAN REALIZED THAT EVEN HIS NICE, BIG HOUSE
STILL WASN'T BIG ENOUGH, AND SO HE BOUGHT A SMALL RANCH,
JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC, WITH
ALWAYS THE HOPE IN MIND THAT HIS RARIE WOULD SOON BECOME
FULL GROWN AND WOULDN'T REQUIRE MORE ROOM THAN HE ALREADY
HAD.
THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT QUITE THE CASE. NO SOONER THAN
THEY HAD FINALLY SETTLED ON THEIR NICE, LITTLE RANCH, THE
MAN REALIZED THAT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS HIS RARIE WOULD NEED
MORE ROOM YET, JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE THE ROOM TO ROMP
AND FROLIC.
THE MAN WAS GETTING DESPERATE. HE HAD VISIONS OF HIS
WONDERFUL LITTLE PET BECOMING ALTOGETHER TOO BIG TO
MAINTAIN. AS A LAST RESORT, HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE
BIGGEST RANCH HE COULD FIND, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS THE
LAST MOVE HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS PET.
SURE, HE LOVED THE ANIMAL AND HAD GROWN VERY ATTACHED TO
IT, BUT HE KNEW THERE WAS A LIMIT.
AFTER THE MAN AND HIS RARIE HAD LIVED ON THE BIG RANCH
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, DURING WHICH HIS LITTLE COMPANION
CONTINUED GROWING AT A FANTASTIC RATE, HE KNEW THEY WOULD
HAVE TO PART, AS MUCH AS IT HURT BOTH OF THEM. ONE WINTER
EVENING THE MAN PRETENDED HE WAS GOING TO TAKE HIS PET
FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS, AND WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE, THE
MAN STARTED WALKING WITH THE RARIE FOLLOWING ON A LEASH.
THEY WALKED QUIETLY UNTIL ALMOST DAYBREAK, AND THE MAN THEN
TIED THE LEASH TO A LARGE TREE, BID THE RARIE A SAD
FAREWELL, AND QUICKLY WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE BEFORE HE
HAD A LAST MINUTE CHANGE OF HEART.
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT BACK TO HIS HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE SAW SITTING ALONGSIDE (AND TOWERING OVER) HIS HOUSE?
WHY, IF IT WASN'T HIS ONE AND ONLY PET RARIE, JUST AS
HAPPY AND PLAYFUL AS COULD BE, WAITING PATIENTLY FOR ITS
MASTER TO RETURN AND FEED IT. THE MAN COULDN'T BELIEVE
HIS EYES! HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE IT AGAIN. AT THIS
MOMENT, THE MAN DECIDED TO AT LEAST KEEP THE RARIE UNTIL
THE SPRING, BUT WHEN THE FIRST THAW COMES, HE WOULD ONCE
AGAIN HAVE TO GET RID OF HIS WONDERFUL PET.
AFTER A LONG, COLD, CRAMPED WINTER, THE FIRST THAW SET IN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE MAN SET OUT TO DISPOSE OF HIS PET,
WHICH, BY NOW, HAD EVEN OUTGROWN THE BIG RANCH. THERE
WAS NO WAY OUT, SO THE MAN GOT A LARGE TRUCK, AND PUT THE
RARIE INTO IT AND DROVE TO A VERY HIGH CLIFF NOT FAR FROM
HIS RANCH. HE BACKED THE DUMPTRUCK TO THE EDGE OF THE
CLIFF AND ACTIVATED THE MECHANISM CAUSING THE RARIE TO
START TO SLIDE OUT AND OVER THE EDGE. THE RARIE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING WHEN IT LOOKED OUT AND SAW NOTHING
BELOW IT FOR HUNDREDS OF FEET. WITH A VERY INQUISITIVE
LOOK ON ITS FACE, IT TURNED AROUND TO THE MAN. "HEY!"
IT EXCLAIMED, "IT"S A LONG WAY TO TIP A RARIE!'

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): SONG: IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY

Date learned: 00-00-1965

View just this record

THE BALLAD OF MILL FAMIE

THERE WAS ONCE A BASEBALL PITCHER BY THE NAME OF MILL
FAMIE. THIS PITCHER WAS ONE OF THE BEST PITCHERS
OF HIS TIME AND HE WAS WELL-KNOWN BY MOST BASEBALL
FANS.
ONE YEAR HIS TEAM WON THEIR LEAGUE'S PENNANT AND WENT
FOR THE PLAYOFF IN THE WORLD SERIES, THANKS LARGELY TO
THE FANTASTIC PITCHING OF MILL FAMIE.
JUST BEFORE THE FIRST GAME OF THE SERIES, MILL'S
TEAMMATES WANTED TO SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION OF HIS
EXCELLENT PERFORMANCE, SO THEY DECIDED TO THROW A PARTY
IN MILL'S HONOR THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME.
WELL, THIS TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE A PARTY. NOT ONLY
WAS THERE THE USUAL DANCING AND SINGING AND FUN-MAKING,
WHICH ACCOMPANIES ALL GOOD PARTIES, THERE WAS ALSO
(AND QUITE AGAINST THE RULES OF TRAINING) A LARGE AMOUNT
OF BEER FLOWING FREELY. NOW, ORDINARILY, MILL FAMIE
NEVER DRANK, EVEN AT PARTIES, BUT SINCE THIS PARTY WAS
ESPECIALLY FOR HIM, HE WAS FINALLY PERSUADED INTO HAVING
A FEW. THIS INITIAL FEW TURNED INTO MANY, AND IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE MILL WAS SO DRUNK HE COULD BARELY STAND.
THE NEXT DAY, TO THE SURPRIZE OF MANY, MILL FELT GREAT
AND SEEMED AS READY AS EVER TO START THE GAME. THE BIG
GAME BEGAN, WITH MILL PITCHING, OF COURSE, AND THINGS
DIDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD. IN THE FIRST INNING HE WALKED SIX
MEN, THE SECOND INNING, FOUR MORE MEN WERE GIVEN A BASE
ON BALLS. BY THE TIME THE THIRD INNING WAS OVER AND MILL
HAD FIVE MORE WALKS ACCREDITED TO HIM, THE MANAGER FINALLY
HAD TO TAKE THE MOST EXTREME ACTION IMAGINABLE AND REMOVE
MILL FROM THE GAME.
AFTER THE GAME, THE OPPOSING TEAM WAS WONDERING JUST WHAT
HAD HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILL FAMIE THAT HE SHOULD WALK
SO MANY OF THEM, SO THEY SENT ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS TO FIND
OUT. SHORTLY, THIS PLAYER CAME BACK AND TOLD THE TEAM
ABOUT THE PARTY MILL HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE.
"REALLY, IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM," SAID
THE PLAYER.
"IT'S THE BEER THAT MADE MILL FAMIE WALK US!"

Data entry tech comment: COMMERCIAL: THE BEER THAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1965

View just this record

TRIBUNE

THE FIRST TIME I TOLD ANYONE THIS STORY, I WAS NEARLY
PUSHED OFF A RAILROAD PLATFORM. EACH SUCCESSIVE TIME
I TOLD IT, OR EVERY TIME ANYONE ELSE TOLD IT, THE REACTION
BY THE LISTENER WAS EQUALLY DANGEROUS. I DON'T ADVISE
ANYONE'S TELLING IT TO A GROUP. HE JUST MAY NOT COME
OUT ALIVE!
ONE DAY THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME WAS JOHNNY. THE
FIRST DAY THAT JOHNNY WENT TO SCHOOL, HE HAPPENED TO SEE
THE WORD "TRIBUNE" SCRAWLED ON A WALL. HE HAD NEVER SEEN
THIS WORD BEFORE, AND SO WHEN HE GOT TO SCHOOL, HE ASKED
HIS TEACHER WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT. HIS TEACHER
LOOKED AT HIM QUITE SHOCKED AND ORDERED LITTLE JOHNNY
TO GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
TEARFULLY, JOHNNY WENT TO THE PRINCIPAL. THE PRINCIPAL
ASKED JOHNNY WHY HE WAS SENT AND JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY
TEACHER A QUESTION AND SHE SENT ME TO YOU. WHAT DOES
'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRINCIPAL STOOD UP, KNOCKING OVER HIS CHAIR, AND ALMOST
UNABLE TO SPEAK, HE ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
OUT OF THE SCHOOL PERMANENTLY. NEVER HAD A CHILD ASKED
SUCH A QUESTION.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT HOME, HIS MOTHER ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS SO
EARLY. JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION AND
SHE SENT ME TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. I ASKED THE
PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL.
MOMMY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S MOTHER ALMOST FAINTED WHEN SHE HEARD THIS.
AFTER SPANKING HIM, SHE SENT HIM TO HIS ROOM TO WAIT
UNTIL HIS FATHER CAME HOME THAT EVENING. SHE WAS VERY
UPSET.
WHEN JOHNNY'S FATHER CAME HOME AND SAW THE MENTAL STATE
JOHNNY'S MOTHER WAS IN, HE IMMEDIATELY RUSHED UP TO JOHNNY'S
ROOM AND ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME. I ASKED MOMMY
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD ME TO WAIT IN
MY ROOM UNTIL YOU GOT HOME. DADDY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE'
MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S FATHER STOOD STOCK-STILL FOR OVER A MINUTE. HE
THEN SPANKED JOHNNY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE AND
TO NEVER COME BACK. JOHNNY'S FATHER WAS ALSO QUITE UPSET.
JOHNNY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO, SO HE WENT TO THE PARISH
PRIEST. "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
SENT ME TO MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. FATHER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRIEST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR THINK. TRYING TO
CONCEAL HIS OVERPOWERING ANGER, HE TOLD JOHNNY TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND NOT COME BACK ANYMORE.
THE PASTOR WAS A KIND OLD MAN WHO NEVER HURT ANYONE AND WAS
A PERFECT LEADER FOR HIS CONGREGATION. WHEN JOHNNY WENT
INTO HIS OFFICE, THE PASTOR ASKED HIM TO SIT DOWN AND GAVE
JOHNNY A LOLLYPOP. HE THEN ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER. I ASKED MY MOTHER
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND SEND ME TO
MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY FATHER THE
QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE.
I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST, AND THE PRIEST SENT ME TO YOU
AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM. MONSIGNEOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POOR OLD PRIEST THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A HEART
ATTACK. HE HAD FACED MANY TRYING TIMES IN HIS POSITION
AS THE PASTOR, BUT NOTHING EVER EQUALLING THIS. FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS, THE OLD PASTOR ACTUALLY GOT
ANGRY AND HE TOLD JOHNNY TO ASK THE BISHOP AND NEVER TO
SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
VERY CRESTFALLEN, LITTLE JOHNNY WENT TO THE BISHOP FOR
HELP. THE BISHOP BEING A VERY BUSY MAN, JOHNNY HAD TO
WAIT A LONG TIME BEFORE THE BISHOP HAD THE TIME TO SEE
HIM.
FINALLY, JOHNNY WAS ALLOWED TO TALK TO THE BISHOP. HE
WALKED INTO THE OFFICE AND STOOD IN FRONT OF THE LARGE
DESK BEHIND WHICH SAT A ROTUND, RED-FACED MAN. THE
BISHOP ASKED JOHNNY WHAT HIS PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME
TO YOU AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH
AGAIN. YOUR REVERENCE, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE BISHOP TURNED SEVERAL SHADES REDDER IN ANGER AND
ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE BECAUSE HE HAD A LOT OF
WORK TO DO AND TOLD HIM TO GO TO THE POPE. THE BISHOP
THEN ALMOST CARRIED JOHNNY TO THE DOOR, THREW HIM OUT,
AND SLAMMED THE DOOR.
JOHNNY WENT TO ROME, AND AFTER A VERY LONG WAIT WAS FINALLY
ABLE TO GET AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE. VERY NERVOUSLY,
JOHNNY TOLD THE POPE HIS PROBLEM.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR AND HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD
ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE
BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS
OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO COME TO YOU. YOUR EMMINENCE, WHAT
DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POPE BECOME SO ANGRY AND UPSET THAT HE BEGAN SWEARING
UNDER HIS BREATH. HE SLOWLY STOOD UP, AND VERY SLOWLY
TOLD JOHNNY THAT HE WAS HEREBY EXCOMMUNICATED FROM THE
CHURCH, AND THAT IF HE WANTED ANY MORE HELP TO GO TO THE
GOVERNMENT OF HIS COUNTRY.
SO JOHNNY MADE THE LONG TRIP BACK TO AMERICA, STILL NOT
KNOWING WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT, AND HE WAS ALREADY A
YOUNG MAN BY THIS TIME.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT BACK TO THE STATES, HE IMMEDIATELY WENT
TO THE SENATOR OF HIS STATE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD
ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT
OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK
TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS
CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE
BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE
EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK YOU. MR. SENATOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE SENATOR ASKED JOHNNY TO REPEAT THE QUESTION, AND BY
THE TIME HE DID, THERE WERE TWELVE POLICEMEN DRAGGING
JOHNNY OUT OF THE OFFICE. JUST BEFORE HE WAS OUT OF THE
ROOM, JOHNNY OVERHEARD THE SENATOR TELLING ONE OF THE
POLICEMEN THAT HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE VICE-PRESIDENT
TO ASK THAT QUESTION.
THE POLICEMEN DROPPED JOHNNY IN THE STREET OUTSIDE THE
SENATOR'S OFFICE, WARNING HIM THAT IF HE WAS EVER SEEN IN
AREA AGAIN, HE WOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A LONG TIME.
BY THIS TIME, JOHNNY WAS A GROWN MAN AND HE HAD DEVOTED
HIS ENTIRE LIFE TO FINDING OUT WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE"
MEANT. HE DIDN'T CARE WHERE HE HAD TO GO, OR WHO HE HAD
TO ASK, JUST AS LONG AS HE FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANT BEFORE
HE DIED.
JOHNNY'S NEXT MOVE WAS TO ASK THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. AFTER MANY MONTHS OF TRYING EXPERIENCES WITH
MIDDLEMEN, JOHNNY'S PERSISTENCE FINALLY PAID OFF WHEN HE WAS
ALLOWED TO SEE THE PRESIDENT IN PERSON. AS JOHNNY HAD
EXPECTED, THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST QUESTION WAS, "WHAT
SEEMS TO BE YOUR PROBLEM?"
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I
ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE
QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER
TO COME BACK TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT
INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE
QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION,
AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK A
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. I ASKED MY SENATOR, AND HE THREW
ME OUT INTO THE STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK YOU. MR.
PRESIDENT, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRESIDENT JUST SAT THERE AND TREMBLED. SURE ENOUGH,
WHILE JOHNNY WAS WAITING FOR A LONG SOUGHT-AFTER QUESTION,
HE RECEIVED PRACTICALLY THE SAME TREATMENT HE HAD RECEIVED
AT THE SENATOR'S OFFICE. IN A COUPLE MINUTES THE ROOM WAS
SWARMING WITH SECRET SERVICE MEN, ALL DISPLAYING REVOLVERS.
THE PRESIDENT TOLD HIS MEN TO ESCORT JOHNNY TO THE AIRPORT
WHERE HE WAS TO BOARD A PLANE WHICH WOULD TAKE HIM OUT OF
THE COUNTRY PERMANENTLY. NOT ONLY WAS JOHNNY EXILED BY
HIS FAMILY AND CHURCH, HE WAS NOW EVEN EXILED BY HIS
COUNTRY. EACH TIME HE RECEIVED SUCH TREATMENT, HIS
DEPRESSION WOULD INCREASE, AS WELL AS HIS DESIRE TO LEARN
WHAT THIS ONE LITTLE WORD MEANT. IT HAD BECOME A TOTAL
OBSESSION WITH HIM. HIS ENTIRE LIFE WAS CENTERED AROUND
THIS ONE GOAL, AND HE COULDN'T AND WOULDN'T ALLOW ANYTHING
TO GET IN HIS WAY.
THE NEXT THREE OR FOUR YEARS OF JOHNNY'S LIFE WAS SPENT
TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, TALKING TO EVERY DIGNITARY
AND MAN OF ANY KNOWLEDGE, AND ALWAYS GETTING THE SAME
TREATMENT.
JOHNNY'S THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY FOUND HIM WANDERING THE
STREETS OF MOSCOW, TRYING TO FIND SOME WAY HE COULD GET IN
TO TALK TO THE PRIME MINISTER. AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS OF
WAITING AND HOPING, HE FINALLY RECEIVED WORD THAT THE
PRIME MINISTER WOULD SEE HIM.
FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, JOHNNY FELT STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC
ON THE MORNING OF HIS APPOINTMENT. HE HAD HAD A VERY
GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND FELT QUITE WELL. AFTER SHOWING
HIS CREDENTIALS TO NUMEROUS SECRETARIES AND LOWER OFFICIALS,
HE FINALLY REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER HIMSELF.
"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?" ASKED THE PRIME MINISTER IN A
SURPRISINGLY PLEASANT VOICE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER CAME HOME.
I ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND MY FATHER SPANKED ME
AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST
THE QUESTION, AND THE PARISH PRIEST TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN. I ASKED THE
PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME TO THE BISHOP
ANDTOLD ME NEVER TO SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I
ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED
ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK ONE OF MY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. I
ASKED MY SENATOR, AND THE SENATOR THREW ME OUT INTO THE
STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK THE PRESIDENT. I ASKED THE
PRESIDENT THE QUESTION, AND THE PRESIDENT THREW ME OUT OF
HIS OFFICE AND EXILED ME FROM THE COUNTRY. FOR NEARLY
FOUR YEARS I'VE BEEN TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AND
HAVE ALWAYS RECEIVED THE SAME TREATMENT. I HAVE NOW COME
TO YOU. MR. PRIME MINISTER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
ALL THROUGH JOHNNY'S STORY, THE PRIME MINISTER SEEMED
VERY INTERESTED AND LISTENED VERY CAREFULLY TO EVERY WORD
THAT WAS SAID, BUT WHEN JOHNNY SPRUNG THE QUESTION ON HIM,
THE PRIME MINISTER STARTED RAVING, POUNDING HIS SHOE ON
HIS DESK, SHOUTING FOR HIS POLICE, SECRET SERVICE MEN,
JANITORS, AND EVEN HIS WIFE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, A FEW
MINUTES LATER JOHNNY FOUND HIMSELF LYING ON THE SIDEWALK,
EVERYONE IN THE AREA LOOKING AT HIM AND JEERING NOISILY.
STILL, JOHNNY'S SPIRIT WASN'T BROKEN. HE PICKED HIMSELF
UP, BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF, AND JUST AS HE WAS CROSSING THE
STREET IN FRONT OF THE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE, THERE
WAS A SCREACHING OF TIRES, A SHORT CRY, AND THEN DEAD
SILENCE. JOHNNY HAD BEEN STRUCK BY A CAR AND KILLED
INSTANTLY.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: "LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING
THE STREET."

Submitter comment: AS CAN BE IMAGINED, THIS STORY CAN BE DRAGGED OUT TO AN
INFINITE LENGTH: THE LONGER THE STORY, THE BETTER THE
LISTENER'S REACTION. WHEN TOLD TO ME, IT TOOK ABOUT
15 MINUTES. WHEN I TELL IT, IT USUALLY TAKES AROUND 20
MINUTES. A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE SPENT 45 MINUTES TELLING
A GROUP OF PEOPLE THIS STORY. HE IS AN EXCELLENT
STORY-TELLER TO BEGIN WITH AND HAD THE ATTENTION OF
THE GROUP THROUGHOUT. RIP

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): REST IN PEACE

Date learned: 00-00-1966

View just this record

REPEAT

PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST, SO WHO
WAS LEFT?
REPETE.
PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST, SO WHO
WAS LEFT?
REPETE.
PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST . . .

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1955

View just this record

CAMPFIRE TALE

THIS IS A STORY I HEARD WHEN I WAS WITH MY FAMILY AT A
SUMMER COTTAGE. IT IS BEST WHEN TOLD AROUND THE DYING
EMBERS OF A FIRE.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE THREE BOYS, JOE, MIKE AND AL.
ONE DAY, THESE BOYS DECIDED THEY WANTED TO START A CLUB
AMONG THEMSELVES. THEIR ONLY DIFFICULTY WAS TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT A GOOD INITIATION FOR THE MEMBERS OF THIS
CLUB. AFTER KICKING AROUND A FEW IDEAS, THEY FINALLY
DECIDED ON USING AN OLD ABANDONED HOUSE OUTSIDE THE TOWN
AS THEIR PROVING-GROUNDS. THE ONLY HITCH WAS THAT SINCE
THEY WERE THE INSTIGATORS OF THIS CLUB, IT WOULD ONLY
BE FAIR TO GO THROUGH THE INITIATION THEMSELVES.
DISREGARDING A LOCAL BELIEF THAT ANYONE ENTERING THIS
HOUSE AFTER DARK WOULD NEVER COME OUT AGAIN, THEY WENT
ONE DARK, MOONLESS NIGHT TO THIS ANCIENT MANSION ON THE
TOP OF A HILL CARRYING NOTHING BUT CANDLES. THE PROCEDURE
WOULD BE THAT EACH WOULD GO ALONE INTO THE HOUSE AND SHINE
THE CANDLE IN EVERY WINDOW OF THE HOUSE, STARTING FROM
THE FIRST FLOOR AND WORKING THEIR WAY UP TO THE THIRD.
JOE, BEING THE OLDEST, VOLUNTEERED TO GO FIRST. TRYING
NOT TO LOOK FRIGHTENED, HE LEFT THE OTHER TWO STANDING
OUTSIDE WITH THE INSTRUCTION TO LEAVE IF HE WASN'T OUT
IN TEN MINUTES. ALMOST BREATHLESSLY, MIKE AND AL WATCHED
AS JOE SHINED HIS CANDLE IN THE FIRST WINDOW, THEN A FEW
SECONDS LATER IN THE SECOND, THEN THE THIRD, UNTIL HE
HAD FINISHED THE FIRST FLOOR. A MINUTE LATER THEY SAW
THE LIGHT IN THE FIRST WINDOW OF THE SECOND FLOOR, THEN
THE NEXT, AND THE NEXT, UNTIL HE HAD FINISHED HIS ROUND
OF THE SECOND FLOOR. ALL THAT WAS LEFT NOW WAS THE FEW
WINDOWS ON THE THIRD FLOOR. BUT THEY DIDN'T SEE THE
SIGNAL. THEY WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED, BUT STILL
NO SIGNAL. AFTER WAITING FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES, AL BECAME
WORRIED AND SUGGESTED THEY LEAVE AND TRY TO GET HELP.
BUT MIKE HAD A DIFFERENT THOUGHT. HE SUPPOSED THAT JOE
WAS JUST PLAYING A TRICK ON THEM BY NOW SHOWING UP.
MIKE THEN WENT IN TO FULFILL HIS PART OF THE INITIATION
WITHOUT WAITING FOR JOE TO COME OUT.
HE STARTED HIS ROUNDS AS PRESCRIBED, SHINING HIS CANDLE
IN EACH AND EVERY WINDOW OF THE FIRST AND SECOND FLOOR,
BUT ONCE AGAIN, AL WAITED AND WAITED TO SEE THE SIGNAL
FROM THE THIRD FLOOR AND IT NEVER CAME.
NOW THOROUGHLY SCARED, AL DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE
SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY CREPT UP THE FRONT STAIRS AND
OPENED THE SQUEAKY, ROTTEN, DILAPIDATED DOOR AND CALLED
INSIDE. HE HEARD HIS CALL ECHOED IN THE MASSIVE HALLS,
BUT NOT A SOUND FROM HIS BUDDIES. HE TOOK A FEW STEPS
INSIDE AND THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT BEHIND HIM. NOT A
SOUND WAS TO BE HEARD. SILENTLY HE APPROACHED THE
STAIRCASE, AND ALMOST AFRAID TO BREATHE, HE LISTENED.
FROM SOME DISTANT PART OF THE UPPER FLOORS OF THE HOUSE
HE COULD JUST BARELY HEAR A STEADY, DULL, THUMPING
NOISE, AS IF SOMEONE WERE POUNDING ON A WALL.
CURIOUS, WORRIED ABOUT HIS FRIENDS, AND SHIVERING IN
HIS BOOTS, AL SLOWLY STARTED ASCENDING THE LONG STAIR-
WAY. AS HE GOT HIGHER, THE THUMPING GREW LOUDER. HE
CALLED TO HIS FRIENDS, BUT THE ONLY REPLY WAS THE SLOW,
DULL, THUMPING. HE CLIMBED HIGHER AND THE NOISE GREW
LOUDER AND LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL BY THE TIME HE
REACHED THE THIRD FLOOR, THE THUDDING WAS DIRECTLY
OVERHEAD. HE CALLED AGAIN, AND THE THUDDING STOPPED
FOR A MOMENT, DURING WHICH TIME HE THOUGHT HE HEARD
A VERY FAINT MOAN. THE THUMPING STARTED ONCE AGAIN,
THE SAME SLOW, STEADY, REPEATED THUD. AFTER SEARCHING
FOR A FEW MINUTES, AL FOUND A LADDER THAT LED UP TO A
TRAP DOOR INTO THE ATTIC. HE SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY
CLIMBED THE LADDER, LIFTED THE TRAP DOOR AND HELD HIS
CANDLE OVER HIS HEAD. THERE IN THE CORNER HE SAW JOE
KNEELING OVER MIKE, BANGING MIKE'S HEAD ON THE FLOOR.
IN SHEER PANIC, AL JUMPED OFF THE LADDER AND OUT OF THE
HOUSE, AND THAT WAS THE LAST HE SAW OF HIS TWO FRIENDS.
MANY YEARS LATER, AL WAS RIDING THE TRAIN TO WORK WHEN
HE SPOTTED A MAN ON THE TRAIN WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE
HIS BOYHOOD FRIEND MIKE. AFTER THINKING BACK TO THAT
DREADFUL NIGHT, HE FIGURED IT COULDN'T BE THE SAME
PERSON, AND YET, HE WASN'T SURE. AFTER LOOKING AT THIS
MAN FOR A LONG TIME, AL FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE TO
APPROACH HIM.
"EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ISN'T YOUR NAME MIKE?"
THE MAN SEEMED NOT TO HAVE HEARD AL, SO HE REPEATED
HIS QUESTION.
THIS TIME, THE MAN SLOWLY PUT DOWN THE NEWSPAPER HE WAS
READING, SLOWLY TURNED TO AL AND SAID:
(NARRATOR NOW SHOUTS: BOO!).

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1959

View just this record

HAUNTED HOUSE

ONCE, SEVERAL YEARS AGO, A MAN LIVED BY HIMSELF IN
A HOUSE IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF CHICAGO. HIS LEGS
WERE BADLY MAULED AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
THEM AMPUTATED. ONE WAS TAKEN OFF BUT THE MAN
KILLED HIMSELF BEFORE THE OTHER LEG COULD BE TAKEN
OFF. HE WAS BURIED IN THE BASEMENT AND TO THIS
DAY A ONE-LEGGED GHOST HAUNTS THAT HOUSE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT ; DETROIT ; ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 11-00-1968

View just this record

IN THE ARMY IF YOU GET SICK, THEY GIVE YOU A WAC AND
PUT YOU TO BED.

Submitter comment: INFORMANT LEARNED THIS IN CHIAGO.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT ; ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

James Callow Keyword(s): PUN ON WHACK

Date learned: 12-02-1967

View just this record

HEALING WATERS

ONE WINTER A GREAT PLAGUE STRUCK AND MANY INDIANS DIED. ONE YOUNG
MAN NAMED MONTA HAD LOST ALL HIS FAMILY BUT HIS NEW WIFE, WHO WAS
ILL. MONTA PRAYED TO MANITOU, THE GREAT SPIRIT, TO GIVE HIM A
PLANT WHICH WOULD CURE HIS WIFE. AFTER HIS PRAYER, HE COVERED HIS
WIFE WITH SOFT FIRS AND BEGAN HIS SEARCH OVER THE SNOW-COVERED
EARTH. FOR THREE DAYS HE SEARCHED, BUT THE PLANTS WERE ALL SLEEP-
ING UNTIL SPRING AND NO ANIMALS WERE IN SIGHT. FINALLY HE FELL
ASLEEP. ALL THE ANIMALS OF THE FOREST GATHERED AROUND, FOR HE
HAD ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO THEM. THEY PRAYED TO THE GREAT SPIRIT TO
HELP MONTA. THE GREAT SPIRIT HEARD AND SENT MONTA A DREAM. IN
THE DREAM MONTA SAW HIS WIFE WELL AND HEARD HER SINGING. SHE SANG
OF THE HEALING WATERS OF THE GREAT MANITOU. WHEN MONTA AWOKE HE
HEARD THE WATERS SINGING AND BEGAN TO DIG UNDER HIS FEET. UP
SPRANG THE HEALING WATERS. HE WASHED IN THE WATER AND BECAME
STRONG. HE TOOK WATER TO HIS WIFE AND SHE WAS SAVED. FROM THEN
ON, THE PEOPLE OF THE VILLAGE BATHED IN THE SPRING AND WERE NEVER
ILL AGAIN.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1970

View just this record

MONOLOGUE

THERE ONCE LIVED A YOUNG INDIAN GIRL CALLED NO ONE'S MAIDEN, FOR
SHE HAD NO PARENTS AND LIVED WITH THE WITCHDOCTOR AND HIS MEAN
WIFE. NO ONE'S MAIDEN WORKED TOO HARD TO PLAY OR DANCE AND NO
MAN WISHED HER FOR SHE HAD NO DOWRY. ONE NIGHT THE WITCH DOCTOR
TOLD HER TO GO FOR A WALK, SO SHE SAT BY THE LAKE AND GAZED AT
THE MOON. SHE SANG A SONG ABOUT HOW LONELY SHE WAS AND TOLD THE
MOON SHE WAS SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE WAS LONELY TOO. THE INDIANS
CALLED THE MOON NANNY. SHE TOLD NANNY SHE WOULD LIKE TO VISIT
HIM AND CHEER HIM UP. THE MOON BEGAN TO SHINE AND A SILVER PATH
CAME DOWN FOR NO ONE'S MAIDEN TO VISIT ON. THE MOON CALLED HER
NANNY MAYEY, WHICH MEANS MOON PATH. FOR TWO NIGHTS SHE VISITED
THE MOON BUT ON THE SECOND NIGHT WAS SEEN BY HER PEOPLE. SHE
RETURNED TO THEM AS NANNY MAYEY AND WAS ADORED BY ALL. EVEN NOW,
HOWEVER, NANNY THROWS DOWN THE SILVER PATH TO REMIND PEOPLE OF
NANNY MAYEY.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1970

View just this record

A SPIRIT

WHEN I WAS LIVING IN CHICAGO DURING THE 1960S MY BROTHER
HAD PASSED AWAY MAYBE THREE OR FOUR MONTHS BEFORE. ONE
NIGHT I WOKE UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AS USUAL, AND WHEN
I LOOKED, MY BROTHER WAS STANDING AT THE FOOT OF MY BED
AND I THOUGHT MY EYES WERE PLAYING TRICKS ON ME, SO I
CLOSED THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN I GOT UP AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM AND BEFORE I REACHED THE LIGHT SWITCH MY
BROTHER WAS SITTING ON THE CLOTHES HAMPER. WHEN THE
LIGHT WENT ON HE WAS GONE.

Submitter comment: CHICAGO, 1960S

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT ; ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 10-30-1971 ; 00001960S

View just this record

THE GIRL WITH THE RIBBON AROUND HER NECK

A YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING COURTED AND HER YOUNG MAN KEPT
ASKING HER TO REMOVE THE CHOKER RIBBON SHE WORE AROUND
HER NECK. FOR AS LONG AS HE HAD KNOWN HER, SHE HAD
ALWAYS WORN THE SAME RIBBON AND HE HAD GROWN QUITE TIRED
OF IT. THEY WERE MARRIED ANYWAY, IN SPITE OF HER REFUSAL
TO REMOVE THE RIBBON. ON THE HONEYMOON HE ASKED HER FOR
THE ONE GREAT FAVOR TO HIM, OF REMOVING THE RIBBON. SHE
RELUCTANTLY AGREED, REMOVED THE RIBBON AND HER HEAD
FELL OFF.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 02-00-1971

View just this record

THE RARIE

ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO LIVED ALL ALONE, AND HE
VERY OFTEN FELT PRETTY LONESOME. MANY FRIENDS OF HIS HAD
SUGGESTED THAT HE GO OUT AND BUY HIMSELF A PET TO KEEP
HIM COMPANY, BUT HE JUST DIDN'T CARE FOR PETS AS A RULE--
UNLESS IT WAS THE ONLY KIND OF ITS SPECIE IN THE WORLD.
THIS MAN USED TO MAKE WEEKLY ROUNDS TO ALL THE PET SHOPS
IN HIS CITY TO SEE IF THEY HAD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH A
PET WHICH WOULD REALLY TICKLE HIS FANCY, BUT HE NEVER
FOUND ONE THAT WAS QUITE RIGHT. HE LOOKED AT YELLOW-AND-
RED ELEPHANTS, PURPLE POLAR BEARS, ORANGE AARDVARKS, AND
EQUALLY STRANGE ANIMALS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT
HE STILL FELT HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED WITH THESE.
AFTER ALL, EVERYONE IN HIS CITY HAD AT LEAST ONE ORANGE
AARDVARK.
THIS FELLA HAD JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP ALL HOPE OF FINDING
WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR, WHEN ONE DAY HE HAPPENED TO
WANDER INTO A LITTLE PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED
THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE LUMP OF FUR HE HAD EVER SEEN.
HE KNEW AT THAT INSTANT IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD BEEN
LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE. HE ASKED THE PROPRIETOR ABOUT
THIS LITTLE ANIMAL, AND WAS TOLD IT WAS A "RARIE," THE
ONLY ONE OF ITS KIND IN EXISTENCE. THE MAN JUST COULDN'T
RESIST, AND HE BOUGHT IT RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT, AND
WALKED HOME WITH IT IN A LITTLE CAGE, HAPPIER THAN HE
HAD EVER BEEN IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, SIR, THIS HERE FELLA REALLY LOVED HIS NEW PET. HE
DIDN'T MIND AT ALL HAVING TO WALK 37 MILES EACH WEEK IN
ORDER TO BUY THE LITTLE FELLA FOOD! AFTER ALL, RARIE-
FOOD ISN'T TOO EASY TO COME BY THESE DAYS--ESPECIALLY
IN THE OFF-SEASON. HE BECAME SO ATTACHED TO IT, YOU
WOULD THINK IT WAS HIS CHILD. HE FED IT, BATHED IT, AND
EXERCISED IT DAILY, AS HE PROUDLY WATCHED IT GROW, AND
GROW, AND GROW, AND GROW. THIS SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY
REAL PROBLEM WITH HAVING A PET SUCH AS THIS. WHEN WELL
CARED FOR, RARIES GROW TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE! AFTER ABOUT A
MONTH, THE MAN FOUND IT NECESSARY TO MOVE OUT OF HIS
APARTMENT AND BUY A SMALL HOUSE SO THAT HIS PET WOULD
HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC (RARIES NEED LOTS OF ROOM
TO ROMP AND FROLIC AND THEY GET CLAUSTROPHOBIA VERY
EASILY). SURE ENOUGH, A COUPLE MONTHS LATER THE MAN
HAD TO MOVE OUT OF HIS LITTLE HOUSE AND INTO A BIG
HOUSE, JUST SO HIS PET COULD ROMP AND FROLIC TO ITS HEART'S
DESIRE. OF COURSE, THE MAN DIDN'T MIND HAVING TO MAKE
THE MOVE--HE LOVED THAT PET LIKE A CHILD. BUT IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE THE MAN REALIZED THAT EVEN HIS NICE, BIG HOUSE
STILL WASN'T BIG ENOUGH, AND SO HE BOUGHT A SMALL RANCH,
JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC, WITH
ALWAYS THE HOPE IN MIND THAT HIS RARIE WOULD SOON BECOME
FULL GROWN AND WOULDN'T REQUIRE MORE ROOM THAN HE ALREADY
HAD.
THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT QUITE THE CASE. NO SOONER THAN
THEY HAD FINALLY SETTLED ON THEIR NICE, LITTLE RANCH, THE
MAN REALIZED THAT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS HIS RARIE WOULD NEED
MORE ROOM YET, JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE THE ROOM TO ROMP
AND FROLIC.
THE MAN WAS GETTING DESPERATE. HE HAD VISIONS OF HIS
WONDERFUL LITTLE PET BECOMING ALTOGETHER TOO BIG TO
MAINTAIN. AS A LAST RESORT, HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE
BIGGEST RANCH HE COULD FIND, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS THE
LAST MOVE HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS PET.
SURE, HE LOVED THE ANIMAL AND HAD GROWN VERY ATTACHED TO
IT, BUT HE KNEW THERE WAS A LIMIT.
AFTER THE MAN AND HIS RARIE HAD LIVED ON THE BIG RANCH
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, DURING WHICH HIS LITTLE COMPANION
CONTINUED GROWING AT A FANTASTIC RATE, HE KNEW THEY WOULD
HAVE TO PART, AS MUCH AS IT HURT BOTH OF THEM. ONE WINTER
EVENING THE MAN PRETENDED HE WAS GOING TO TAKE HIS PET
FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS, AND WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE, THE
MAN STARTED WALKING WITH THE RARIE FOLLOWING ON A LEASH.
THEY WALKED QUIETLY UNTIL ALMOST DAYBREAK, AND THE MAN THEN
TIED THE LEASH TO A LARGE TREE, BID THE RARIE A SAD
FAREWELL, AND QUICKLY WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE BEFORE HE
HAD A LAST MINUTE CHANGE OF HEART.
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT BACK TO HIS HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE SAW SITTING ALONGSIDE (AND TOWERING OVER) HIS HOUSE?
WHY, IF IT WASN'T HIS ONE AND ONLY PET RARIE, JUST AS
HAPPY AND PLAYFUL AS COULD BE, WAITING PATIENTLY FOR ITS
MASTER TO RETURN AND FEED IT. THE MAN COULDN'T BELIEVE
HIS EYES! HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE IT AGAIN. AT THIS
MOMENT, THE MAN DECIDED TO AT LEAST KEEP THE RARIE UNTIL
THE SPRING, BUT WHEN THE FIRST THAW COMES, HE WOULD ONCE
AGAIN HAVE TO GET RID OF HIS WONDERFUL PET.
AFTER A LONG, COLD, CRAMPED WINTER, THE FIRST THAW SET IN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE MAN SET OUT TO DISPOSE OF HIS PET,
WHICH, BY NOW, HAD EVEN OUTGROWN THE BIG RANCH. THERE
WAS NO WAY OUT, SO THE MAN GOT A LARGE TRUCK, AND PUT THE
RARIE INTO IT AND DROVE TO A VERY HIGH CLIFF NOT FAR FROM
HIS RANCH. HE BACKED THE DUMPTRUCK TO THE EDGE OF THE
CLIFF AND ACTIVATED THE MECHANISM CAUSING THE RARIE TO
START TO SLIDE OUT AND OVER THE EDGE. THE RARIE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING WHEN IT LOOKED OUT AND SAW NOTHING
BELOW IT FOR HUNDREDS OF FEET. WITH A VERY INQUISITIVE
LOOK ON ITS FACE, IT TURNED AROUND TO THE MAN. "HEY!"
IT EXCLAIMED, "IT"S A LONG WAY TO TIP A RARIE!'

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): SONG: IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY

Date learned: 00-00-1965

View just this record

THE BALLAD OF MILL FAMIE

THERE WAS ONCE A BASEBALL PITCHER BY THE NAME OF MILL
FAMIE. THIS PITCHER WAS ONE OF THE BEST PITCHERS
OF HIS TIME AND HE WAS WELL-KNOWN BY MOST BASEBALL
FANS.
ONE YEAR HIS TEAM WON THEIR LEAGUE'S PENNANT AND WENT
FOR THE PLAYOFF IN THE WORLD SERIES, THANKS LARGELY TO
THE FANTASTIC PITCHING OF MILL FAMIE.
JUST BEFORE THE FIRST GAME OF THE SERIES, MILL'S
TEAMMATES WANTED TO SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION OF HIS
EXCELLENT PERFORMANCE, SO THEY DECIDED TO THROW A PARTY
IN MILL'S HONOR THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME.
WELL, THIS TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE A PARTY. NOT ONLY
WAS THERE THE USUAL DANCING AND SINGING AND FUN-MAKING,
WHICH ACCOMPANIES ALL GOOD PARTIES, THERE WAS ALSO
(AND QUITE AGAINST THE RULES OF TRAINING) A LARGE AMOUNT
OF BEER FLOWING FREELY. NOW, ORDINARILY, MILL FAMIE
NEVER DRANK, EVEN AT PARTIES, BUT SINCE THIS PARTY WAS
ESPECIALLY FOR HIM, HE WAS FINALLY PERSUADED INTO HAVING
A FEW. THIS INITIAL FEW TURNED INTO MANY, AND IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE MILL WAS SO DRUNK HE COULD BARELY STAND.
THE NEXT DAY, TO THE SURPRIZE OF MANY, MILL FELT GREAT
AND SEEMED AS READY AS EVER TO START THE GAME. THE BIG
GAME BEGAN, WITH MILL PITCHING, OF COURSE, AND THINGS
DIDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD. IN THE FIRST INNING HE WALKED SIX
MEN, THE SECOND INNING, FOUR MORE MEN WERE GIVEN A BASE
ON BALLS. BY THE TIME THE THIRD INNING WAS OVER AND MILL
HAD FIVE MORE WALKS ACCREDITED TO HIM, THE MANAGER FINALLY
HAD TO TAKE THE MOST EXTREME ACTION IMAGINABLE AND REMOVE
MILL FROM THE GAME.
AFTER THE GAME, THE OPPOSING TEAM WAS WONDERING JUST WHAT
HAD HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILL FAMIE THAT HE SHOULD WALK
SO MANY OF THEM, SO THEY SENT ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS TO FIND
OUT. SHORTLY, THIS PLAYER CAME BACK AND TOLD THE TEAM
ABOUT THE PARTY MILL HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE.
"REALLY, IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM," SAID
THE PLAYER.
"IT'S THE BEER THAT MADE MILL FAMIE WALK US!"

Data entry tech comment: COMMERCIAL: THE BEER THAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1965

View just this record

TRIBUNE

THE FIRST TIME I TOLD ANYONE THIS STORY, I WAS NEARLY
PUSHED OFF A RAILROAD PLATFORM. EACH SUCCESSIVE TIME
I TOLD IT, OR EVERY TIME ANYONE ELSE TOLD IT, THE REACTION
BY THE LISTENER WAS EQUALLY DANGEROUS. I DON'T ADVISE
ANYONE'S TELLING IT TO A GROUP. HE JUST MAY NOT COME
OUT ALIVE!
ONE DAY THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME WAS JOHNNY. THE
FIRST DAY THAT JOHNNY WENT TO SCHOOL, HE HAPPENED TO SEE
THE WORD "TRIBUNE" SCRAWLED ON A WALL. HE HAD NEVER SEEN
THIS WORD BEFORE, AND SO WHEN HE GOT TO SCHOOL, HE ASKED
HIS TEACHER WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT. HIS TEACHER
LOOKED AT HIM QUITE SHOCKED AND ORDERED LITTLE JOHNNY
TO GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
TEARFULLY, JOHNNY WENT TO THE PRINCIPAL. THE PRINCIPAL
ASKED JOHNNY WHY HE WAS SENT AND JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY
TEACHER A QUESTION AND SHE SENT ME TO YOU. WHAT DOES
'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRINCIPAL STOOD UP, KNOCKING OVER HIS CHAIR, AND ALMOST
UNABLE TO SPEAK, HE ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
OUT OF THE SCHOOL PERMANENTLY. NEVER HAD A CHILD ASKED
SUCH A QUESTION.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT HOME, HIS MOTHER ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS SO
EARLY. JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION AND
SHE SENT ME TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. I ASKED THE
PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL.
MOMMY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S MOTHER ALMOST FAINTED WHEN SHE HEARD THIS.
AFTER SPANKING HIM, SHE SENT HIM TO HIS ROOM TO WAIT
UNTIL HIS FATHER CAME HOME THAT EVENING. SHE WAS VERY
UPSET.
WHEN JOHNNY'S FATHER CAME HOME AND SAW THE MENTAL STATE
JOHNNY'S MOTHER WAS IN, HE IMMEDIATELY RUSHED UP TO JOHNNY'S
ROOM AND ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME. I ASKED MOMMY
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD ME TO WAIT IN
MY ROOM UNTIL YOU GOT HOME. DADDY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE'
MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S FATHER STOOD STOCK-STILL FOR OVER A MINUTE. HE
THEN SPANKED JOHNNY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE AND
TO NEVER COME BACK. JOHNNY'S FATHER WAS ALSO QUITE UPSET.
JOHNNY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO, SO HE WENT TO THE PARISH
PRIEST. "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
SENT ME TO MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. FATHER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRIEST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR THINK. TRYING TO
CONCEAL HIS OVERPOWERING ANGER, HE TOLD JOHNNY TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND NOT COME BACK ANYMORE.
THE PASTOR WAS A KIND OLD MAN WHO NEVER HURT ANYONE AND WAS
A PERFECT LEADER FOR HIS CONGREGATION. WHEN JOHNNY WENT
INTO HIS OFFICE, THE PASTOR ASKED HIM TO SIT DOWN AND GAVE
JOHNNY A LOLLYPOP. HE THEN ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER. I ASKED MY MOTHER
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND SEND ME TO
MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY FATHER THE
QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE.
I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST, AND THE PRIEST SENT ME TO YOU
AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM. MONSIGNEOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POOR OLD PRIEST THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A HEART
ATTACK. HE HAD FACED MANY TRYING TIMES IN HIS POSITION
AS THE PASTOR, BUT NOTHING EVER EQUALLING THIS. FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS, THE OLD PASTOR ACTUALLY GOT
ANGRY AND HE TOLD JOHNNY TO ASK THE BISHOP AND NEVER TO
SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
VERY CRESTFALLEN, LITTLE JOHNNY WENT TO THE BISHOP FOR
HELP. THE BISHOP BEING A VERY BUSY MAN, JOHNNY HAD TO
WAIT A LONG TIME BEFORE THE BISHOP HAD THE TIME TO SEE
HIM.
FINALLY, JOHNNY WAS ALLOWED TO TALK TO THE BISHOP. HE
WALKED INTO THE OFFICE AND STOOD IN FRONT OF THE LARGE
DESK BEHIND WHICH SAT A ROTUND, RED-FACED MAN. THE
BISHOP ASKED JOHNNY WHAT HIS PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME
TO YOU AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH
AGAIN. YOUR REVERENCE, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE BISHOP TURNED SEVERAL SHADES REDDER IN ANGER AND
ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE BECAUSE HE HAD A LOT OF
WORK TO DO AND TOLD HIM TO GO TO THE POPE. THE BISHOP
THEN ALMOST CARRIED JOHNNY TO THE DOOR, THREW HIM OUT,
AND SLAMMED THE DOOR.
JOHNNY WENT TO ROME, AND AFTER A VERY LONG WAIT WAS FINALLY
ABLE TO GET AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE. VERY NERVOUSLY,
JOHNNY TOLD THE POPE HIS PROBLEM.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR AND HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD
ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE
BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS
OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO COME TO YOU. YOUR EMMINENCE, WHAT
DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POPE BECOME SO ANGRY AND UPSET THAT HE BEGAN SWEARING
UNDER HIS BREATH. HE SLOWLY STOOD UP, AND VERY SLOWLY
TOLD JOHNNY THAT HE WAS HEREBY EXCOMMUNICATED FROM THE
CHURCH, AND THAT IF HE WANTED ANY MORE HELP TO GO TO THE
GOVERNMENT OF HIS COUNTRY.
SO JOHNNY MADE THE LONG TRIP BACK TO AMERICA, STILL NOT
KNOWING WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT, AND HE WAS ALREADY A
YOUNG MAN BY THIS TIME.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT BACK TO THE STATES, HE IMMEDIATELY WENT
TO THE SENATOR OF HIS STATE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD
ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT
OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK
TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS
CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE
BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE
EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK YOU. MR. SENATOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE SENATOR ASKED JOHNNY TO REPEAT THE QUESTION, AND BY
THE TIME HE DID, THERE WERE TWELVE POLICEMEN DRAGGING
JOHNNY OUT OF THE OFFICE. JUST BEFORE HE WAS OUT OF THE
ROOM, JOHNNY OVERHEARD THE SENATOR TELLING ONE OF THE
POLICEMEN THAT HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE VICE-PRESIDENT
TO ASK THAT QUESTION.
THE POLICEMEN DROPPED JOHNNY IN THE STREET OUTSIDE THE
SENATOR'S OFFICE, WARNING HIM THAT IF HE WAS EVER SEEN IN
AREA AGAIN, HE WOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A LONG TIME.
BY THIS TIME, JOHNNY WAS A GROWN MAN AND HE HAD DEVOTED
HIS ENTIRE LIFE TO FINDING OUT WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE"
MEANT. HE DIDN'T CARE WHERE HE HAD TO GO, OR WHO HE HAD
TO ASK, JUST AS LONG AS HE FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANT BEFORE
HE DIED.
JOHNNY'S NEXT MOVE WAS TO ASK THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. AFTER MANY MONTHS OF TRYING EXPERIENCES WITH
MIDDLEMEN, JOHNNY'S PERSISTENCE FINALLY PAID OFF WHEN HE WAS
ALLOWED TO SEE THE PRESIDENT IN PERSON. AS JOHNNY HAD
EXPECTED, THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST QUESTION WAS, "WHAT
SEEMS TO BE YOUR PROBLEM?"
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I
ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE
QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER
TO COME BACK TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT
INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE
QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION,
AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK A
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. I ASKED MY SENATOR, AND HE THREW
ME OUT INTO THE STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK YOU. MR.
PRESIDENT, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRESIDENT JUST SAT THERE AND TREMBLED. SURE ENOUGH,
WHILE JOHNNY WAS WAITING FOR A LONG SOUGHT-AFTER QUESTION,
HE RECEIVED PRACTICALLY THE SAME TREATMENT HE HAD RECEIVED
AT THE SENATOR'S OFFICE. IN A COUPLE MINUTES THE ROOM WAS
SWARMING WITH SECRET SERVICE MEN, ALL DISPLAYING REVOLVERS.
THE PRESIDENT TOLD HIS MEN TO ESCORT JOHNNY TO THE AIRPORT
WHERE HE WAS TO BOARD A PLANE WHICH WOULD TAKE HIM OUT OF
THE COUNTRY PERMANENTLY. NOT ONLY WAS JOHNNY EXILED BY
HIS FAMILY AND CHURCH, HE WAS NOW EVEN EXILED BY HIS
COUNTRY. EACH TIME HE RECEIVED SUCH TREATMENT, HIS
DEPRESSION WOULD INCREASE, AS WELL AS HIS DESIRE TO LEARN
WHAT THIS ONE LITTLE WORD MEANT. IT HAD BECOME A TOTAL
OBSESSION WITH HIM. HIS ENTIRE LIFE WAS CENTERED AROUND
THIS ONE GOAL, AND HE COULDN'T AND WOULDN'T ALLOW ANYTHING
TO GET IN HIS WAY.
THE NEXT THREE OR FOUR YEARS OF JOHNNY'S LIFE WAS SPENT
TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, TALKING TO EVERY DIGNITARY
AND MAN OF ANY KNOWLEDGE, AND ALWAYS GETTING THE SAME
TREATMENT.
JOHNNY'S THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY FOUND HIM WANDERING THE
STREETS OF MOSCOW, TRYING TO FIND SOME WAY HE COULD GET IN
TO TALK TO THE PRIME MINISTER. AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS OF
WAITING AND HOPING, HE FINALLY RECEIVED WORD THAT THE
PRIME MINISTER WOULD SEE HIM.
FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, JOHNNY FELT STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC
ON THE MORNING OF HIS APPOINTMENT. HE HAD HAD A VERY
GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND FELT QUITE WELL. AFTER SHOWING
HIS CREDENTIALS TO NUMEROUS SECRETARIES AND LOWER OFFICIALS,
HE FINALLY REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER HIMSELF.
"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?" ASKED THE PRIME MINISTER IN A
SURPRISINGLY PLEASANT VOICE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER CAME HOME.
I ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND MY FATHER SPANKED ME
AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST
THE QUESTION, AND THE PARISH PRIEST TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN. I ASKED THE
PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME TO THE BISHOP
ANDTOLD ME NEVER TO SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I
ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED
ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK ONE OF MY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. I
ASKED MY SENATOR, AND THE SENATOR THREW ME OUT INTO THE
STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK THE PRESIDENT. I ASKED THE
PRESIDENT THE QUESTION, AND THE PRESIDENT THREW ME OUT OF
HIS OFFICE AND EXILED ME FROM THE COUNTRY. FOR NEARLY
FOUR YEARS I'VE BEEN TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AND
HAVE ALWAYS RECEIVED THE SAME TREATMENT. I HAVE NOW COME
TO YOU. MR. PRIME MINISTER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
ALL THROUGH JOHNNY'S STORY, THE PRIME MINISTER SEEMED
VERY INTERESTED AND LISTENED VERY CAREFULLY TO EVERY WORD
THAT WAS SAID, BUT WHEN JOHNNY SPRUNG THE QUESTION ON HIM,
THE PRIME MINISTER STARTED RAVING, POUNDING HIS SHOE ON
HIS DESK, SHOUTING FOR HIS POLICE, SECRET SERVICE MEN,
JANITORS, AND EVEN HIS WIFE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, A FEW
MINUTES LATER JOHNNY FOUND HIMSELF LYING ON THE SIDEWALK,
EVERYONE IN THE AREA LOOKING AT HIM AND JEERING NOISILY.
STILL, JOHNNY'S SPIRIT WASN'T BROKEN. HE PICKED HIMSELF
UP, BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF, AND JUST AS HE WAS CROSSING THE
STREET IN FRONT OF THE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE, THERE
WAS A SCREACHING OF TIRES, A SHORT CRY, AND THEN DEAD
SILENCE. JOHNNY HAD BEEN STRUCK BY A CAR AND KILLED
INSTANTLY.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: "LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING
THE STREET."

Submitter comment: AS CAN BE IMAGINED, THIS STORY CAN BE DRAGGED OUT TO AN
INFINITE LENGTH: THE LONGER THE STORY, THE BETTER THE
LISTENER'S REACTION. WHEN TOLD TO ME, IT TOOK ABOUT
15 MINUTES. WHEN I TELL IT, IT USUALLY TAKES AROUND 20
MINUTES. A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE SPENT 45 MINUTES TELLING
A GROUP OF PEOPLE THIS STORY. HE IS AN EXCELLENT
STORY-TELLER TO BEGIN WITH AND HAD THE ATTENTION OF
THE GROUP THROUGHOUT. RIP

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): REST IN PEACE

Date learned: 00-00-1966

View just this record

REPEAT

PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST, SO WHO
WAS LEFT?
REPETE.
PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST, SO WHO
WAS LEFT?
REPETE.
PETE AND REPETE WENT FOR A WALK. PETE GOT LOST . . .

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1955

View just this record