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The James T. Callow Folklore Archive
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A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN, QUITE SCUZZY LOOKING, CAME INTO A
BAR WITH HER HANDS CUPPED TOGETHER IN FRONT OF HER. SHE
LOUDLY ANNOUNCED TO ALL PRESENT THAT IF ANYONE COULD
GUESS WHAT SHE WAS HOLDING IN HER HANDS, THEY COULD HAVE
HER BODY FOR THE NIGHT. A DRUNK IN THE BACK YELLS OUT,
"AN ELEPHANT!" SHE IMMEDIATELY ANSWERED, "THAT'S
CLOSE ENOUGH."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
James Callow Keyword(s): UNTIDY UNKEMPT
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Woman |
Date learned: 05-22-1965
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THE MOTH BALL
THEY HAD BEEN TRAINING THE MOTH FOR YEARS GIVING HIM
JUST THE PROPER TYPE OF FOOD; KEEPING HIS LIVING
QUARTERS AT THE CORRECT HEAT; MAKING SURE HE GOT
JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SLEEP. HE WAS DOING
CALESTHENTICS NOW BECAUSE HE WAS IN TRAINING FOR
THE BIG DAY--THE MOTH EATING CONTEST OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE STORY GOES ON THAT THIS MOTH WON THE NEIGHBORHOOD
CONTEST, GOES ON TO WIN THE PARISH, DISTRICT,
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY, WESTERN HEMISPHERE, WORLD, AND
IS FINALLY ENTERED INTO THE UNIVERSE CONTEST. ALL
THIS TIME, HE IS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER, FROM THE
SIZE OF A BUTTERFLY TO THE SIZE OF THE EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING. ALSO, THE PLACE WHERE THE CONTEST IS
HELD GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER, I.E., THE WORLD
CONTEST BEING HELD WITH SIBERIA AS THE CONTEST
GROUNDS AND THE UNIVERSE ON THE MOON. WHAT THEY
EAT ALSO INCREASES IN SIZE FROM HANDKERCHIEFS
UNTIL NOW IT'S MINK COATS AND BLANKETS. THIS MOTH
JUST BARELY EDGES OUT EVERY OTHER MOTH BY EATING ONE
MORE ARTICLE THAN THEY DO--AND JUST BARELY ABLE TO
GET IT DOWN.
ALL THE MOTHS HAD ASSEMBLED ON THE MOON EXCEPT FOR THE
REPRESENTATIVE FROM MARS. EVERYONE WAS WAITING FOR
THIS ONE, BECAUSE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BIGGEST
MOTH IN EXISTENCE. ALL OF A SUDDEN, EVERYTHING WAS
DARK--WE LOOKED UP AND SAW THE MARTIAN MOTH FLYING
DOWN. HE WAS SO BIG, HE HAD COVERED THE SUN AS HE FLEW
IN. SO ALL THE MOTHS WERE READY; THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
HAD ARRIVED. THE JUDGES PLACED THE MINK COATS AND
BLANKETS IN FRONT OF THE MOTHS. TEN MINK COATS, TEN
BLANKETS, TWENTY COATS, TWENTY BLANKETS, THIRTY
COATS, THIRTY BLANKETS; AFTER FORTY COATS AND FORTY
BLANKETS, THERE WERE ONLY THREE MOTHS LEFT; OURS,
THE MOTH FROM VENUS, AND THE MOTH FROM MARS. AFTER
50 COATS AND 45 BLANKETS, THE MOTH FROM VENUS
DROPPED OUT. IT WAS US AND MARS. 60 COATS-60 BLANKETS,
70 COATS-70 BLANKETS. IT LOOKED AS THOUGH THERE WOULD
BE NO END TO THIS CONTEST. BUT, LO AND BEHOLD, AFTER 78
COATS AND 77 BLANKETS, THE MOTH FROM MARS ROLLED OVER,
HIS FEET STICKING UP IN THE AIR, GAVE A GREAT ROAR AND
DIED. WE WERE IN. ALL OUR MOTH HAD TO DO WAS EAT 3
MORE COATS AND 2 MORE BLANKETS--HE HAD ALREADY CONSUMED
76 COATS AND 75 BLANKETS. (HE ALWAYS WAS A SLOW EATER.)
SO HE ATE ONE COAT, ONE BLANKET; ANOTHER COAT AND ANOTHER
BLANKET. IT WAS TIED. ALL HE HAD TO DO NOW WAS FINISH
THAT LAST COAT AND WE WOULD BE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE
ENTIRE UNIVERSE. HE WALKED OVER TO THE LAST COAT,
LOOKED AT IT, PICKED IT UP AND TRIED TO EAT. HE
COULDN'T. WE BEGGED HIM, THREATENED HIM, BRIBED HIM,
DID EVERYTHING WE COULD POSSIBLY DO TO TRY TO MAKE HIM
EAT THIS LAST COAT. HE GOT A FIERY LOOK IN HIS EYES,
WENT UP TO THE COAT AGAIN, PICKED IT (UP) SET IT DOWN
AGAIN, AND WENT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING AND
STARTED TO CRY. AND DO YOU KNOW THAT WAS THE FIRST
TIME A MOTH BAWL.
Submitter comment:
DENNIS DID NOT RECALL HEARING THIS STORY BEFORE THAT
SUMMER AND DID NOT KNOW WHERE HE FIRST HEARD IT.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
James Callow Keyword(s): MOTHBALL
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale |
THE RED RIBBON
JOHNNY LIVED NEXT DOOR TO SUSIE AND THEY USED TO PLAY
TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. ONE DAY JOHNNY ASKED SUSIE
ABOUT THE RED RIBBON SHE WORE AROUND HER NECK ALL THE
TIME. JOHNNY KEPT ASKING SUSIE BECAUSE SHE NEVER TOOK
THE RED RIBBON OFF HER NECK AND THIS REALLY PUZZLED
HIM.
THE STORY GOES ON AND AT EVERY OCCASION, GRADUATION FROM
GRADE SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL, THEIR ENGAGEMENT, GRADUATION
FROM COLLEGE, THEIR WEDDING NIGHT, ETC., AND SHE
ALWAYS TELLS HIM THAT SHE WILL EXPLAIN IT TO HIM LATER.
(OF COURSE WHEN THE STORY IS TOLD, IT IS DRAGGED OUT
AS LONG AS POSSIBLE AND THE DETAILS, NO MATTER HOW
SMALL, OF THE OCCASIONS ARE NARRATED.) FINALLY, ON
THEIR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, JOHNNY ASKS SUSIE
WHY SHE WEARS THE RED RIBBON AROUND HER NECK.
SUSIE SAYS, "OK JOHNNY, I'LL FINALLY TELL YOU, NO I
CAN'T TELL YOU, LET ME SHOW YOU." SHE TOOK THE RED
RIBBON OFF HER NECK AND HER HEAD FELL OFF.
Submitter comment: BILL COULDN'T RECALL WHERE HE HAD HEARD THE STORY.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale |
ONE TIME, WHEN HE WAS IN THE ARMY, HE REMEMBERS SEEING
A NOTICE THAT "ANYONE WANTING A PASS FOR YOM KIPPUR,
SIGN BELOW." HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA, SO HE
SIGNED UP. WHEN THE DAY FOR DISTRIBUTING PASSES
ARRIVED, HE STOOD IN LINE WITH THE "SILVERSTEINS AND
THE GOLDBERGS" TO GET HIS PASS. WHEN THE FLIGHT
COMMANDER SAW HIM, HE SAID, "YOU'RE NOT JEWISH."
MORRIS ANSWERED, "NO SIR, BUT YOU SEE, I'VE GOT A
DATE WITH THIS JEWISH GIRL AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE NICE TO GO OUT ON YOM KIPPUR." THE FLIGHT
COMMANDER, A JEW HIMSELF, GOT FURIOUS AND RIPPED
UP THE PASS. MORRIS WAS RESTRICTED TO THE BASE FOR
THREE WEEKS AFTER THAT. TO THIS DAY, HE SAYS HE WAS
RIGHT, SINCE THE NOTICE DIDN'T SPECIFY THAT YOU HAD
TO BE JEWISH TO GET A PASS.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
Date learned: 05-12-1965
I WAS SITTING IN A BAR THE OTHER NIGHT AND THIS GIRL
WALKED IN WEARING THE TIGHTEST, BRIGHT GREEN SLACKS
I HAVE EVER SEEN. THEY WERE NOT ONLY PAINTED ON, THEY
LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE GROWING THERE. I WAS SO
ASTONISHED THAT I WENT OVER AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO HER
AND STARTED STARING AT THEM. LORD ONLY KNOWS HOW MUCH
TROUBLE I HAVE GETTING INTO A PAIR OF LEVI'S. SO I
ASKED HER, I SAID, "PARDON ME, BUT HOW DO YOU GET INTO
THOSE THINGS?" THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "WELL,
YOU COULD START BY BUYING ME A BEER."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
Date learned: 05-22-1965
Entry filtered.
A HIT SONG
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR AND ASKED THE BARTENDER IF HE
COULD HAVE A JOB PLAYING THE PIANO. THE BARTENDER SAID,
"LET ME HEAR YOU PLAY." THE MAN STARTED PLAYING A MOST
BEAUTIFUL MELODY. THE BARTENDER SAID, "THAT'S THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL SONG I EVER HEARD, WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT
PUBLISHED." WELL, THE MAN SAID, "I'VE TRIED
COUNTLESS NUMBER OF PUBLISHING COMPANIES, BUT THEY
ALL TURNED ME DOWN." THE BARTENDER SAID, "I JUST
CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WOULDN'T PUBLISH SUCH A HAUNTING
MELODY. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?" THE MAN AT THE PIANO
SAID, "I CALL IT 'I LOVE YOU SO GOD-DAMN MUCH I
COULD SHIT."
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
BOOK TITLE: THE NINE YARD DASH BY WILLHE MAKEIT.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | PROSE NARRATIVE -- Jest Anecdote |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
A FINNISH TRADITION SAYS THAT TO STIMULATE THE SKIN DURING
A SAUNA BATH, YOU BEAT YOURSELF WITH CEDAR BOUGHS,
WHICH HAVE BEEN SOAKED IN COLD WATER. EVERYONE GROWS
THEIR OWN CEDAR.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Daily Life |
Date learned: 11-17-1968
KISSING THE BACK OF THE HAND EACH NIGHT WHEN
YOU HAVE FINISHED SAYING THE ANGELUS AT 6:00 P.M.
THIS IS TO SHOW YOUR RESPECT TO YOUR ELDERS.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Home |
Date learned: 12-04-1965
FIVE ACES: ANY OFFICER WHO ROLLS FIVE ACES WHEN
THROWING DICE FOR REFRESHMENTS IN A MESS, IS OBLIGED
BY TRADITION TO BUY A COMPLETE ROUND FOR ALL MESS-MATES
PRESENT.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Entertainment Diversion |
Date learned: 10-19-1965
GRATEFULNESS REWARDED
AT THE ALTAR IN THE HOUSE: YOU OFFER FLOWERS AND
THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOU GO BACK YOU EXPECT TO FIND A
PRESENT OF MONEY OR GIFTS ON TOP OF THE ALTAR OR
UNDER THE VASE WHERE YOU PUT THE FLOWERS. THIS IS
FOR THE GRATEFULNES S TO THE VIRGIN.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Church |
Date learned: 12-04-1965
WHEN YOU VISIT A CHURCH IN WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN
BEFORE, IT IS CUSTOMARY TO MAKE A WISH.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Church |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
BUDDHIST RITE
IN ENTERING A BUDDHIST TEMPLE, THE FAITHFUL CLAP
THEIR HANDS TWICE TO GET THE ATTENTION OF THE GODS,
AND TO HAVE THE GODS RECOGNIZE THEM.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Church |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
BUDDHIST RITE
BEFORE PRAYING AT A BUDDHIST TEMPLE, THE PEOPLE RINSE
THEIR MOUTHS OUT WITH WATER AS A PURIFICATION RITE
SO THAT THEIR PRAYERS WILL BE PIOUS.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Church |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
INDIAN RELIGIOUS CUSTOM
HINDUISM IS THE ONLY RELIGION IN THE WORLD WHICH DOES
NOT ACCEPT CONVERTS. ONE MUST BE BORN TO BE A TRUE
HINDU, BUT MAY FOLLOW THE TEACHINGS INVOLVED IF IT
IS WISHED.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | CUSTOM FESTIVAL -- Church |
Date learned: 02-29-1968
SAFETIES
IF ONE PASSES AIR (FARTS) WHILE IN THE PRESENCE OF
HIS CHUMS, HE IMMEDIATELY SHOUTS "SAFETIES," OR IS
SUBJECT TO A PUNCH ON THE ARM FROM EVERYONE PRESENT.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | SPEECH -- Formula |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN
ARMY HUMOR
INVARIABLY, THERE IS THE ARMY RECRUIT WHO IS NERVOUS AT
HIS FIRST ASSEMBLY. THE SERGEANTS JUST HAVE TO FIND
ONE. WHEN THEY SAY, "O.K. RAISE YOUR LEFT HAND,"
THIS GUY RAISES HIS RIGHT HAND AND THE SERGEANT QUICKLY
YELLS, "YOU'RE OTHER LEFT HAND, YOU IDIOT."
Submitter comment: HEARD DURING SERVICE.
Where learned: NOT GIVEN
| Subject headings: | SPEECH -- Formula |
Date learned: NOT GIVEN