FU BIRD

THERE WERE THREE ADVENTURERS FROM A MAJOR BIRD CONSERVA-
TORY IN THE UNITED STATES WHO HAD READ INFORMATION
CONCERNING A "FU" BIRD WHICH EXISTED IN TROPICAL AFRICA.
THERE WAS NOT SUFFICIENT INFORMATION ON THE BIRD, AND NO
ONE HAD EVER TAKEN A PICTURE OF THE CREATURE. THEREFORE,
THEY DECIDED TO TAKE AN EXCURSION TO OBTAIN FIRST-HAND
KNOWLEDGE OF THE BIRD.
THEY ARRIVED IN AFRICA WITH LITTLE TROUBLE. THEY BEGAN
THEIR JOURNEY INTO THE WILD COUNTRY WITH THEIR CARAVAN
OF GEAR. THEY CAME TO THE APPROXIMATE LOCATION OF THE
HOME OF THE ANIMAL AND DECIDED TO SET UP CAMP. THE
ADVENTURERS WENT INTO A NEARBY VILLAGE TO GET SOME INFOR-
MATION FROM THE RESDIDENTS ON WHAT THE APPROACH OR THE
ACTUAL WHEREABOUTS OF THE FU BIRD WAS. TO THEIR AMAZEMENT
UPON MENTIONING THE NAME OF THE BIRD, THE VILLAGERS WERE
AT ONCE TERRIFIED. WHEN THEY HAD BEEN CALMED DOWN, THE
EXPLORERS WERE ABLE TO SEE THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO USE
EXTREME CAUTION WHEN DEALING WITH THIS ANIMAL. THE VILLAGERS
WERE AFRAID OF THE BIRD, BECAUSE IF IT WERE DISTRUBED, IT
WOULD SWOOP DOWN AND SHIT ON ITS ENEMY. THE PENALTY FOR
TRYING TO REMOVE IT WAS DEATH, AND IT WAS NOT KNOWN OF
ANYONE ESCAPING THIS FATE. THE ADVENTURERS COULD NOT
BE DETERRED, AND DECIDED TO GO LOOKING FOR THESE BIRDS
THE NEXT MORNING.
THEY STARTED AWAY FROM CAMP ALONE THE NEXT MORNING,
CARRYING THE NECESSARY FOOD, MAPS, AND PHOTOGRAPHIC
EQUIPMENT FOR A DAYS OUTING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOT TOO
LONG AFTER THEY HAD GONE, THEY SPOTTED ONE OF THESE FU
BIRDS SITTING IN A NEARBY TREE. THEY IMMEDIATELY BEGAN
TAKING PICTURES AND NOTES. HOWEVER, FOR SOME REASON, THE
BIRD DIDN'T LIKE THIS INVASION OF HIS PRIVACY AND QUICKLY
SWOOPED DOWN FROM HIS PERCH AIMED AT THE EXPLORERS. HE
TOOK PERFECT AIM, SHITTING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF EACH OF
THEIR HEADS.
THE MEN WERE SHOCKED TO SAY THE LEAST. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY,
THE FIRST MAN RAISED HIS HAND AND REMOVED THE MESS FROM
HIS HEAD. NO SOONER HAD HE DONE THIS, THAN HE FELL OVER
DEAD. THE OTHER TWO WERE HORRIFIED AT THIS OCCURRENCE,
DECIDING THEY HAD BETTER LEAVE THINGS AS THEY WERE. THEY
GATHERED UP THEIR EQUIPMENT AND HEADED BACK TO CAMP.
THERE, THEY COMPILED AS MUCH INFORMATION AS THEY COULD,
DECIDING THEY HAD ENOUGH FOR THEIR COLLEAGUES AT HOME.
SO, THEY BEGAN PACKING THEIR BELONGINGS SO THAT THEY COULD
LEAVE THE NEXT MORNING. HOWEVER, DURING THE NIGHT, THE
SECOND MAN COULDN'T STAND THE SMELL OF THE PILE ON HIS
HEAD, SO HE SWISHED IT OFF HIS HEAD. IMMEDIATELY, HE
FELL OVER DEAD.
THE THIRD AND ONLY REMAINING MEMBER OF THE GROUP RETURNED
WITH HIS INFORMATION, AND THE SAD TALE OF HIS COPANIONS
DEALINGS WITH THE FU BIRD. THE SOCIETY WAS GRATEFUL FOR
ALL THE TROUBLE THAT THE THREE HAD ENDURED.
SO, THE THIRD MAN CONTINUED TO LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES.
HOWEVER, THE AWFUL STENCH AND UGLY SIGHT OF THE FU SHIT ON
HIS HEAD COST THE MAN HIS REPUTATION, HIS FRIENDS, AND
FINALLY HIS WIFE. HE WAS SO REJECTED THAT ONE NIGHT HE
WIPED THE MESS FROM HIS HEAD, AND DROPPED DEAD.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS, IF THE FU SHITS, WEAR IT.

Where learned: PENNSYLVANIA ; MICHIGAN ; DETROIT ; PITTSBURGH

Date learned: 11-07-1970