THE WHIFFENPOOF

THE 800-POUND WHIFFENPOOF WAS CAPABLE OF RUNNING BACKWARD. IT WAS
CHARACTERIZED BY THE FACE OF AN ELK, ANTLERS, SHARP HOOVES AND
HIND QUARTERS THAT SLOPED ABRUPTLY LIKE THOSE OF A GIRAFFE. THE
BULL WHIFFENPOOFS WERE EQUIPPED WITH TWO ADAM'S APPLES WHICH
CLICKED TOGETHER LIKE A PAIR OF DICE, AND PROVIDED A MEANS OF
CONVERSATION. THE COWS SCREAMED LIKE A SOPRANO SINGING WITH A
SORE THROAT.
THE WHIFFENPOOF UNDERWENT PHYSICAL IMPROVEMENTS WITH MODERNITY,
AND IN ITS MOST RECENT FORM, BORE RED AND GREEN LIGHTS AT THE
STERN. WHEN THE WHIFFENPOOF RAN FORWARD, IT SWITCHED ON ITS GREEN
LIGHT; AND WHEN IT RAN BACKWARD IT FLASHED THE RED LIGHT.
THEIR ENEMY WAS THE TIMBER WOLF.
THE WHIFFS AND THE TIMBER WOLVES WERE IN A CONTINUAL STATE OF WAR-
FARE. THE WHIFFS USUALLY OUTSMARTED THE WOLVES. THEY GOT THE
WOLVES TO CHASE THEM, AND THEN SUDDENLY RAN BACKWARD, TRAMPLING
THEIR ENEMIES INTO THE EARTH.
THE WARFARE BECAME VERY BITTER. WOLVES MOVED DOWN FROM MICHIGAN TO
EXTERMINATE THE WHIFFENPOOF AND THE BATTLE WAS TERRIFIC. THE
EARTH SHOOK FROM THE THUNDER OF THE WHIFFENPOOF HOOVES, AND
KNOCKED PICTURES FROM THE WALLS OF THE PIONEERS' HOMES. THE
WHIFFS HAD THEIR GREEN LIGHTS ON, AND THE NIGHT BECAME SO BRIGHT
THAT SCHOOL CHILDREN COULD READ THEIR PRIMERS WITHOUT THE AID
OF TALLOW DIP CANDLES.
THEY CHASED THE MICHIGAN WOLVES INTO LAKE ERIE; BUT A BIG DISPLAY
OF NORTHERN LIGHTS, OR AURORA BOREALIS, WAS ON, AND THE WHIFFS
BECAME CONFUSED. THEY THOUGHT THEIR COMRADES WERE FLASHING ON THE
GREEN LIGHTS FOR GUIDANCE, AND SWAM AROUND IN CIRCLES UNTIL THEY
WERE SO EXHAUSTED THAT THEY DROWNED. ONE WHIFFENPOOF SURVIVED.
HE SWAN TO A LAKE ERIE ISLAND OFF THE OHIO COAST AND LIVED THERE
FOR YEARS. HE WAS KNOWN AS "OLD OTTO."
BUT ONE DAY "OLD OTTO" ATE A PAIR OF OVERALLS FROM A FARMER'S
CLOTHESLINE, AND THE OVERALLS CLOGGED HIS THROAT. HIS TWO
ADAM'S APPLES WOULDN'T CLICK TOGETHER, AND HE WAS UNABLE TO TALK
TO HIMSELF. SO HE DIED OF LONELINESS.

Submitter comment: THE WHIFFENPOOF WAS CREATED BY THE HESSIAN MERCENARIES WHO FOUGHT
FOR ENGLAND DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION. AFTER THE WAR MANY
OF THEM SETTLED IN PENNSYLVANIA AND CONTRIBUTED TO THE PEOPLE
KNOWN AS THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; LIBRARY ; DETROIT ; DETROIT PUBLIC LIBRARY

Date learned: NOT GIVEN