TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL
SUBJECT: ABSENTEEISM DATE: 5/25/70

SICKNESS: NO EXCUSE. WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT YOUR DOCTOR'S
STATEMENT AS PROOF, AS WE BELIEVE THAT IF YOU ARE WELL
ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE AND WELL
ENOUGH TO COME TO WORK.

DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN): THIS IS NO EXCUSE. THERE IS
NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR THEM, AND WE ARE SURE THAT SOMEONE
ELSE WITH A LESSER POSITION CAN ATTEND TO THE ARRANGEMENTS.
HOWEVER, IF THE FUNERAL CAN BE HELD IN THE LATE AFTERNOON,
WE WILL BE GLAD TO LET YOU OFF ONE HOUR EARLY PROVIDED THAT
YOUR SHARE OF THE WORK IS AHEAD ENOUGH TO KEEP THE JOB GOING
IN YOUR ABSENCE.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE (FOR AN OPERATION): WE WILL NO LONGER ALLOW
THIS PRACTICE. WE WISH TO DISCOURAGE ANY THOUGHTS THAT YOU
NEED AN OPERATION, AS WE BELIEVE AS LONG AS YOU ARE AN
EMPLOYEE YOU WILL NEED ALL OF WHATEVER YOU HAVE AND YOU
SHOULD NOT CONSIDER HAVING ANYTHING REMOVED. WE HIRED YOU
AS YOU ARE, AND TO HAVE ANYTHING REMOVED WOULD CERTAINLY
MAKE YOU LESS THAN WE BARGAINED FOR.

DEATH (YOUR OWN): THIS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE, BUT
WE WOULD LIKE A TWO WEEK NOTICE. WE FEEL IT IS YOUR DUTY
TO TEACH SOMEONE ELSE YOUR JOB.

ALSO, ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT IN THE REST
ROOM. IN THE FUTURE, WE WILL ALLOW THE PRACTICE OF GOING
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER. FOR INSTANCE, THOSE WHOSE NAMES
BEGIN WITH "A" WILL GO FROM 8:00 TO 8:10 A.M., "B" WILL
GO FROM 8:15 TO 8:30 A.M. AND SO ON. IF YOU ARE UNABLE
TO GO AT YOUR TIME, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL
THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.

Submitter comment: THIS SHOULD BE TYPED ON COMPANY LETTERHEAD, USING THE
CURRENT DATE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PERSONNEL ; POLICY

James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00-00-1970