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THERE IS A STORY TOLD OF A YOUNG IRISH SCHOOLTEACHER,
CAME TO THE UNITED STATES, WANTING TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION IN THE NEW SCHOOL DURING THE CHRISTMAS
CARD SALE. OFFERED A NEW SILVER DOLLAR TO THE STUDENT
WHO COULD NAME THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! HANDS SHOT
UP QUICKLY. ONE BRIGHT LAD REPLIED, "I THINK IT WAS
GEORGE WASHINGTON, BECAUSE HE WAS OUR FIRST PRESIDENT
OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY." "YES," SAID THE TEACHER IN A
SMILING TONE OF VOICE,"BUT HE WAS NOT THE GREATEST."
"I KNOW," SHOUTED ANOTHER YOUNG BOY, "ABRAHAM
LINCOLN, BECAUSE HE FREED THE SLAVES." "OH, YES, HE
WAS A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT I DON'T THINK HE WAS THE
GREATEST MAN." A LITTLE JEWISH BOY GOT UP AND SAID,
"TEACHER, I KNOW WHO THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD
WAS, ST. PATRICK." AND A BEFORE HE COULD FINISH
SPEAKING, THE TEACHER SAID, HERE IS YOUR NEW SILVER
DOLLAR, BECAUSE ST. PATRICK WAS THE GREATEST MAN
IN THE WORLD."
AT RECESS TIME, THE CLASS CENTERED AROUND THE WINNER
AND SAID, "HOW DID YOU EVER WIN, YOU KNOW ST.
PATRICK WAS NOT THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD."
THE LITTLE JEWISH BOY REPLIED, "I KNOW IT, BUT--
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS!"

Where learned: MINNESOTA ; SAINT PAUL

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THIS GUY WAS LOST ONE NIGHT. HE KEPT DRIVING THROUGH
BUT HE NEW HE WAS ON THE WRONG ROAD. FINDALLY, HE
CAME TO A HOUSE. THERE WAS AN OLD MAN ROCKING ON A
PORCH. HE PULLED UP THERE AND SAID, "HEY, CAN YOU
TELL ME WHERE THIS ROAD GOES?" THE OLD MAN SAID,
"I'VE LIVED HERE ALL MY LIFE AND THAT ROAD NEVER
WENT ANYWHERE. IT'S ALWAYS STAYED RIGHT THERE."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; ALLEN PARK

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 02-07-1972

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ANECDOTE OF BIBLE SCHOLAR

"....THEN, OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY OF THE
BIBLE SCHOLAR AT THE ALL FEMALE UNIVERSITY, WHO "KNEW"
MOST OF HIS STUDENTS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 10-04-1969

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THEN THERE WAS THE STORY ABOUT THE TWO PRACTICAL JOKING
ROOMMATES AT JOHN CARROLL U. THE ONE ROOMMATE TOOK
ALL OF HIS ROOMMATES CLOTHES AND BROUGHT THEM TO
CIFFERENT LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANERS ALL OVER TOWN AND
THEN TORE UP THE SLIPS. THE OTHER ROOMMATE, IN
RETALIATION, WENT TO THE REGISTRAR, POSING AS
HIS ROOMMATE WITH HIS ROOMMATE'S I.D.'S
WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING, AND WITHDREW FROM ALL HIS
CLASSES.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DEARBORN

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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COLD

A MAN WENT FOR HIS ARMY PHYSICAL. WHEN HE WENT IN, THE
DOCTOR TOLD HIM TO TAKE OFF HIS BLUE UNDERWEAR. HE
SAID HE WASN'T WEARING ANY. HE WAS COLD.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 00-00-1968

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HELP

A GUY WAS FLYING HIS AIRPLANE, WHEN HIS ENGINE CONKED
OUT. HE CALLED THE TOWER TO GET PERMISSION TO LAND.
THE MAN IN THE TOWER TELLS HIM TO GO INTO A DIVE AND
SEE IF HIS ENGINE WILL START. IT WOULDN'T START, SO
HE NOTIFIED THE MAN IN THE TOWER AND TOLD HIM HE
DIDN'T HAVE A PARACHUTE. THE MAN IN THE TOWER SAID,
"REPEAT AFTER ME......OUR FATHER......"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 00-00-1968

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DID YOU HEAR THE JOKE ABOUT THE THREE DEAF MEN?
NO.
NEITHER DID THEY.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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FAST TALKER

DURING THE PROHIBITION TIMES, HOME BREW WAS AGAINST THE
LAW AS WELL AS EVEN THE MERE POSSESSION OF SPIRITS. A
MAN IN ARKANSAS BOUGHT SOME BOOZE FROM A MOONSHINER AND
WAS CAUGHT WITH IT AND BROUGHT BEFORE THE JUDGE OF THE
COUNTY:
JUDGE: WHO SOLD YOU THAT LIQUOR?
DEFENDENT: I DON'T KNOW.
JUDGE: WHAT KIND OF MAN WAS HE?
DEFENDENT: I DON'T KNOW.
JUDGE: YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MAN HE WAS
THAT SOLD YOU THAT LIQUOR?
DEFENDENT: NO SIR, YOUR HONOR, I WAS ONLY INTERESTED
IN THE LIQUOR NOT THE MAN.
JUDGE: SURELY YOU MUST KNOW HOW TALL HE WAS?
DEFENDENT: HE WAS ABOUT YOUR SIZE, I'D SAY.
JUDGE: THROW THIS MAN OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE ACCUSES ME
OF SELLING THAT LIQUOR TO HIM.
THIS MAN WAS A FREE MAN AGAIN.

Where learned: NOT GIVEN

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 11-08-1968

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ARMY TALE OF BOXING CLASS

WE HAD TO DO BOXING IN THE ARMY, AND I MEAN IT WAS BAD.
THEY HAD THE MEANEST MAN I EVER KNEW TEACHING THAT
COURSE. HE WAS SO MEAN, THAT HE WOULD PERSONALLY
POUND EACH ONE OF US, BUT ONE DAY I GOT SO MAD AFTER
HE STARTED ON ME, THAT I JUST STARTED BLINDLY SWINGING
BACK. I THREW A WILD UPPERCUT, AND IT CAUGHT HIM ON THE
DOG TAG, SWUNG UP AND KNOCKED HIM OUT. HE NEVER DID
BOTHER ME AGAIN. WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS AFTER THAT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DEARBORN

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 10-30-1968

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PUERTO RICO SINNER AND PRIEST TALE

THERE WAS A MAN ONCE IN PUERTO RICO WHO ALWAYS THROUGHT
HE'D LIKE TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A PIG.
ONE DAY, HE WAS PASSING A PIG FARM WHEN THE TEMPTATION
BECAME JUST TOO GREAT. HE RAN AS FAST AS HE COULD TO
THE FENCE OF THE PEN AND DOVE IN. BUT THE SPACE WAS
TOO SMALL AND HE GOT CAUGHT. THE FARMER ROUGHLY
THREW HIM OFF HIS LAND. WELL, A LITTLE LATER, HE
BEGAN TO FEEL GUILTY, AND SO HE DECIDED TO GO TO
CHURCH. HE GOT INTO THE CONFESSIONAL AT THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH AND ASKED THE PRIEST IF HE THOUGHT HE HAD
COMMITTED A SIN, SINCE HE DID NOT ACTUALLY HAVE
RELATIONS WITH THE PIGS. THE PRIEST SAID, WHY YES,
THERE WAS A SIN INVOLVED. SO THE SINNER REACHED IN
HIS POCKET A PULLED OUT A LARGE COIN AND SAID TO THE
PRIEST THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE IT TO THE CHURCH
FOR PENANCE. "LET ME SLIP IT THROUGH THE
CONFESSIONAL SCREEN, AND GIVE IT TO YOU FATHER,"
HE SAID. BUT THE COIN JUST BARELY DID NOT FIT.
THE PRIEST SAID FOR THE MAN TO COME AROUND AND GIVE
IT TO HIM. BUT THE SINNER QUICKLY SAID, "OH, BUT
FATHER, THE INTENT WAS THERE JUST AS YOU A WHILE AGO
SAID TO ME. THEREFORE, IT'S JUST AS THOUGH I GAVE IT
TO YOU."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DEARBORN

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 10-00-1968

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TWO JEWISH MEN MET ON A CORNER RECENTLY. THEY HADN'T
SEEN EACH OTHER FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS. ONE ASKED
THE OTHER, "HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?"
"FIVE," ANSWERED THE OTHER. "BOYS OR GIRLS?" ASKED
THE FIRST." "WHAT DO YOU THINK? KANGAROOS?"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 12-02-1965

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ANT JOKE

A MAN WAS IN PRISON FOR 20 YEARS. ONE DAY HE FOUND A
LITTLE ANT. HE TRAINED THE ANT TO DO ALL SORTS OF
TRICKS TO OCCUPY HIS TIME. HE THOUGHT HE COULD MAKE
A FORTUNE WITH THE ANT WHEN HE WOULD BE RELEASED.
FINALLY, HE WAS THROUGH SERVING HIS TIME. HE WENT
TO A BAR WITH THE ANT. HE SAID TO THE BARTENDER
"SEE THIS ANT." THE BARTENDER KILLED THE ANT WITH
HIS HAND AND SAID, "YEA, WHAT ABOUT IT?"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE OLD DOCTOR

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 78 YEAR OLD DOCTOR, WHO PICKED UP
A 24 YEAR OLD GIRL IN PALM SPRINGS? THE DOCTOR SAID TO
HER, "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST TIME YOU EVER HAD
TONIGHT." LATER, WHEN HE WAS AWAKENED IN BED BY THE
BLOND STROKING HIS HEAD WITH A FEATHER FROM A PILLOW,
HE ASKED, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "WELL, COMPARATIVELY
SPEAKING," SHE SAID, "I'M BEATING YOUR BRAINS OUT."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT THINKS THAT HE HEARD THIS AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF DETROIT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 04-08-1965

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THESE TWO BOYS WERE IN A RAILROAD STATION AND THEY WERE
GOING TO BUY A TICKET TO PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA.
THE YOUNG WOMAN, WHO SOLD THE TICKETS, WAS WEARING A
VERY LOW CUT DRESS AND SHE WAS BUILT LIKE A BRICK SHIT
HOUSE. THE FIRST BOY WENT UP AND SAID, "MAY I PLEASE
HAVE A TICKET TO TEATSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA. AND HE WALKED
AWAY BECAUSE HE FLUBBED IT AND HE SAID TO THE OTHER BOY
"I CAN'T DO IT, I'M DISTRACTED BY HER TEATS."
THE OTHER BOY ANSWERED THAT HE COULD NOT DO IT EITHER
BUT "HERE COMES A PRIEST AND MAYBE HE CAN DO IT FOR US."
SO THE BOYS ASKED THE PRIEST IF HE WOULD BUY THE
TICKETS FOR THEM. THE PRIEST SAID THAT HE WOULD. HE
WENT UP TO THE YOUNG LADY AND SAID, "TWO TICKETS FOR
PITTSBURGH PLEASE. YOUNG LADY YOU'D BETTER BE CAREFUL
OF HOW YOU DRESS, ST. FINGER IS SHAING HIS PETER AT YOU."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT HEARD THIS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT STUDENT
UNION ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 04-08-1965

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NUN JOKE

THIS MAN WAS IN THE ARMY FOR YEARS AND WAS JUST SICK
OF IT. ONE DAY, THEY WENT TO AN ISLAND FOR MANEUVERS
AND HE DESERTED. THE SEARCH PARTIES CAME AFTER HIM.
AS HE CAME PUFFING UP A HILL, HE SAW A NUN STANDING
THERE. HE BEGGED FOR SANTUARY UNDER HER HABIT AND SHE
SAID YES. WHEN THE SEARCH PARTY CAME UP THE HILL, THEY
ASKED IF SHE HAD SEEN A SOLDIER. THE NUN POINTED OFF IN
A DIRECTION AND AWAY THEY WENT.
THE SOLDIER CAME OUT AND SAID "OH, THANK YOU, SISTER,
AND BY THE WAY....THAT'S A NICE PAIR OF LEGS YOU'VE
GOT THERE." THE NUN REPLIED, "THANK YOU, BUT IF YOU
HAD LOOKED A LITTLE HIGHER, YOU'D HAVE FOUND OUT THAT
I'M ONE OF YOU!"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

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THE MAN IN THE ELEVATOR

ONE DAY A MAN LOOKED OUT HIS WINDOW AND SAW A MAN
CARRYING SOMETHING. THE MAN LOOKED AT HIM AND HIS FACE
WAS THE MOST HIDEOUS THING HE HAD EVER SEEN. THE NEXT
DAY THIS SAME MAN WHO WAS LOOKING OUT HIS WINDOW
WENT TO GET INTO AN ELEVATOR. HE SAW THIS MAN WITH
THE HIDEOUS FACE IN THE ELEVATOR AND DECIDED NOT TO
GET IN. IT IS A GOOD THING THAT HE DIDN'T, BECAUSE
THE CABLE BROKE AND THE ELEVATOR WAS SMASHED; EVERYONE
IN IT WAS KILLED.

Submitter comment: INFORMANT DOES NOT REMEMBER WHERE SHE HEARD THIS
STORY, BUT THINKS IT WAS ABOUT 1920.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SOUTHFIELD

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 05-12-1965

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Entry filtered.

A FELLOW CAME INTO A BAR ONE NIGHT AND ORDERED A SCOTCH
AND WATER. THE BARTENDER BROUGHT IT TO HIM AND WALKED
AWAY. LESS THAN THIRTY SECONDS LATER, THE FELLOW WAS
CALLING FOR A REFILL. THIS HAPPENED FOUR TIMES, AND BY
THIS TIME, THE FELLOW WAS QUITE BLASTED. HE THEN
STARTED SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY RIGHT THERE IN THE BAR.
THE BARTENDER, A SOFT-HEARTED, SYMPATHETIC MAN, CAME OVER
AND ASKED HIM WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS. THE FELLOW REPLIED
THAT HE WAS A SONGWRITER AND HE THOUGHT THAT HE WROTE
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONGS IN THE WORLD. THE BARTENDER
SAID, "WELL, WHATCHA CRYING FOR, THEN?" THE FELLOW SAID
THAT NOBODY WANTED TO PUBLISH HIS WORKS. WELL, THE
BARTENDER COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY, IF THE MUSIC WAS SO
BEAUTIFUL, NOBODY WOULD PUBLISH IT. HE SAID, "LISTEN
HAVE YOU GOT ANY OF YOUR SONGS WITH YOU?" THE GUY SAID
YES, HE DID, HIS MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE, IN FACT. THE
BARTENDER SAID HE'D GIVE IT TO HIS PIANO PLAYER
AND LET HIM AND THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR BE THE JUDGES.
HE HANDED THE SCORE TO THE PIANO PLAYER, WHO STUDIED
IT A SECOND AND THEN BEGAN TO PLAY. A HUSH FELL OVER
THE WHOLE BAR AS THE MUSIC CAUGHT EVERYONE'S ATTENTION.
THE PEOPLE WERE HELD HYPNOTIZED FOR THE WHOLE SONG AND,
WHEN THE SONG WAS OVER, THEY BROKE INTO THUNDEROUS
APPLAUSE. THE OVATION LASTED A GOOD TWO MINUTES. WHEN
IT WAS OVER, THE BARTENDER RUSHED OVER TO THE MAN AND
SAID, "THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG I'VE EVER HEARD.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. I SIMPLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WOULD EVER HAVE ANY TROUBLE GETTING THAT KIND
OF MUSIC PUBLISHED. WHY, IT WOULD BE AN OVERNIGHT HIT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT ANYWAY?" THE MAN LOOKED UP, AND
ANSWERED, "I CALL IT 'I LOVE YOU SO FUCKIN' MUCH I COULD
JUST SHIT."

Submitter comment: I HEARD THIS ONE FROM BOB ON A NIGHT OF QUITE HIGH
REVELRY AT A LOCAL PUB NEAR MY HOME.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man
Filter - Mature Content

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A DISCUSSION

TWO PSYCHIATRISTS, ONE 30 AND ONE 70, WERE RIDING DOWN
IN AN ELEVATOR ON A HOT STICKY DAY. THE YOUNG
PSYCHIATRIST LOOKED REALLY BEAT AND DONE IN.
HE SAID TO HIS OLDER COLLEAGUE, WHO WAS LOOKING CALM,
COOL, AND QUITE REFRESHED: "I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN
LISTEN TO THOSE TERRIBLE, HARROWING, HEART-MENDING (RENDING)
PERSONAL HISTORIES THAT YOUR PATIENTS RECOUNT ALL DAY
AND STILL BE SO RELAXED."
THE ELDER ANALYST SHRUGGED: "WHO LISTENS?"

Submitter comment: HE HEARD THIS FROM SOME MEN IN THE OFFICE WHERE HE
USED TO WORK.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 10-31-1967

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IT SEEMS THAT ONE DAY MANY YEARS BACK, WHEN CUBA AND THE
UNITED STATES WERE ON SPEAKING TERMS, CUBAN PEASANTS
WOULD TRAVEL TO FLORIDA TO PURCHASE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT WERE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN CUBA. ONE SUCH DAY,
PEDRO LANDED IN MIAMI AND WHILE SHOPPING HE DECIDED THAT
HE WANTED A PAIR OF WOOL SOCKS. HE WENT INTO A STORE
BUT COULD NOT ASK FOR THE PRODUCT BECAUSE HE SPOKE NO
ENGLISH. HE TRIED TO ASK, BUT THE CLERK COULDN'T
UNDERSTAND. SO HE STARTED LOOKING AND WHEN HE CAME
UPON THE RACK WITH THE SOCKS HE SHOUTED, "ESO SI QUE
ES!" TO WHICH THE CLERK REPLIED, "IF YOU KNOW HOW TO
SPELL IT, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?"

Submitter comment: TRANSLATION: "THIS IS IT."
INFORMANT HAS TRAVELED A GREAT DEAL IN SPANISH
SPEAKING COUNTRIES AND THIS IS WHERE HE PICKED UP
THE STORY.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT ; DETROIT

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 09-22-1967

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I BROUGHT HOME MY REPORT CARD ONE DAY AND SHOWED IT TO
MY OLD MAN. AS HE LOOKED IT OVER HIS FACE CONTORTED
A LITTLE AND THEN HE SIGHED IN WHAT APPEARED TO BE
RESIGNATION AND SAID, "ONE THING IS IN YOUR FAVOR. WITH
GRADES LIKE THESE, YOU SURE AS HELL AREN'T CHEATING."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT SAYS THAT IT IS A TRUE STORY, HAPPENED TO HIM
ABOUT A YEAR AGO, AND HE BELIEVES THAT HIS FATHER HEARD
IT FROM HIS FATHER UNDER MUCH THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES.

Where learned: WASHINGTON DC

Subject headings: PROSE NARRATIVE -- Man

Date learned: 09-12-1967

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