The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

( ENCOUNTER WITH HORRIBLE MONSTER)

A MAN WENT INTO A HOTEL ON A STORMY NIGHT. THE OLD PLACE
SEEMED DESERTED. FINALLY AN OLD WOMAN HOBBLED OUT. "I
ONLY HAVE ONE ROOM TO RENT AND THAT ONE'S HAUNTED," SHE
SAID. THE MAN, TIRED FROM HIS TRIP, COULDN'T FACE GOING
BACK OUT INTO THE STORM SO HE TOOK THE KEY AND CLIMBED THE
RICKETY STAIRCASE TO THE ROOM. AS HE GOT IN BED, HE HEARD
A STRANGE VOICE MOAN, "MY LONG BONY FINGERS, MY RUBY RED
LIPS." THE MAN WAS REALLY SCARED BUT HE TRIED TO GET SOME
SLEEP. HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "MY LONG BONY FINGERS, MY
RUBY RED LIPS." NOW HE WAS MORE ANNOYED THAN SCARED.
MINUTES LATER HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "MY LONG BONY
FINGERS, MY RUBY RED LIPS." "SO WHAT ABOUT YOUR LONG BONY
FINGERS AND YOUR RUBY RED LIPS? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THEM?"
HE SHOUTED. AT THIS POINT THE STORYTELLER STRUMS HIS LIPS
AND MAKES ONE OF THOSE NOISES LIKE AN AUCTIONEER.

Date learned: 11-23-1970

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(PUNCH LINE WITH A PUN ON THE WORD, VAMPIRE)

IN THE 1890S GULLIVER'S GULCH HAD AN UNUSUAL FLAVOR FOR AN
EASTERN TOWN. BECAUSE OF ITS BEING A WAY STATION FOR THE
SHIPMENT OF CATTLE, IT HAD AN ALMOST WESTERN FLAVOR ABOUT IT.
ONE NIGHT A MESSAGE BEGAN TO COME IN ON THE TELEGRAPH:
PREPARE, THE VIPER IS COMING, THE VIPER IS.... THEN THE
LINE WENT DEAD. SOME OF THE PEOPLE BEGAN TO PANIC; OTHERS
WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THIS VIPER WAS. THE NEXT NIGHT, A
MESSAGE AGAIN CAME OVER THE WIRE, BUT IT WAS VERY POORLY
TRANSMITTED: BEWARE THE VIPER COMES TONIGHT, BEWARE
. . . . BY THIS TIME THE WHOLE TOWN HAD BEEN THROWN INTO
A PANIC, WITH ALL THE RUMORS AND STORIES OF SUPERNATURAL
CREATURES. HALF THE PEOPLE OF THE TOWN JUST PACKED UP AND
LEFT, THE OTHER HALF LOCKED THEMSELVES IN THEIR HOMES AND
CLOSED THEIR STORES HOURS BEFORE SUNSET.
THERE WAS ONE HOTEL IN THE TOWN AND ALL OF ITS GUESTS BUT
ONE VERY OLD LADY LEFT FOR HEALTHIER PARTS. THIS OLD LADY
WAS A PERMANENT GUEST OF THE HOTEL AND SHE RENTED THE ROOM
BY THE MONTH. HERS WAS THE SEVENTH ROOM ON THE SECOND
FLOOR OF THE SMALL HOTEL. SHE WAS PARTIALLY PARALYZED AND
COULD NOT WALK, AND SHE HAD LOST THE PARTIAL USE OF HER
LEFT ARM IN A RECENT STROKE. WHEN THE CLERK CLOSED THE HOTEL
THAT NIGHT, BEFORE GOING HOME HE TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY,
THAT HE HAD LOCKED BOTH DOORS AND ALL THE WINDOWS AND THAT
HE WOULD BE BACK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. THAT NIGHT THE
WOMAN LAY IN HER BED, WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
THIS NIGHT WHEN THE VIPER COMES, AND BEING VERY GLAD THAT
THE CLERK HAD LOCKED ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS, WHEN SHE
REMEMBERED THAT HE HAD NOT MENTIONED THE MILK CHUTE.
"HE MUST HAVE CERTAINLY LOCKED THE CHUTE," SHE SAID TO
HERSELF. THE REASON SHE WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT THIS MILK
CHUTE WAS THAT IT WAS ABOUT FOUR FEET HIGH AND SEVERAL
FEET WIDE. IT WAS THIS LARGE SO THAT IT COULD EASILY HOLD
THE LARGE CANS OF MILK AND OTHER PRODUCTS THAT WOULD BE
LEFT THERE THAT COMING MORNING. JUST THEN SHE HEARD THE
CHUTE OPENING DOWNSTAIRS, AND THE SOUND OF VERY HEAVY
FOOTPRINTS ECHOING FROM THE KITCHEN. A VOICE CRIED, "I AM
THE VIPER, I AM THE VIPER." SHE COULD HEAR IT WALKING
FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE FRONT DESK, AND AGAIN THE VOICE
SAID, "I AM THE VIPER." HER MIND WAS FILLED WITH ALL THE
STORIES OF VAMPIRES SHE HAD HEARD IN HER YOUTH--OF HOW
THESE CREATURES SOMETIMES SIMPLY CALLED VIPERS SEARCHED
FOR LIVING MEN SO THAT THEY COULD STEAL THEIR LIFE AND
THEIR BLOOD FROM THEIR BODY. SHE REMEMBERED THE MOST
HORRIBLE STORY SHE HAD EVER HEARD--HOW THIS ONE VIPER
CARRIED IN ONE HAND A SMALL SHARP AX TO CHOP OFF THE HEADS
OF HIS VICTIMS AND A BASKET CARRIED IN THE OTHER FOR THE
VICTIM'S HEAD; HOW AFTER CHOPPING OFF THE HEAD IT WOULD
DRINK THE BLOOD FROM THE BODY, AS WE WOULD FROM A BOTTLE,
AND TAKE THE HEAD TO FEED ON THE BRAIN AND THE SKULL AS A
RELIC FOR A SHELF IN HIS DEN. HER THOUGHTS OF THIS
CREATURE WERE SHATTERED WHEN SHE HEARD FROM THE FOOT OF
THE STAIRS A VOICE CRY, "I AM THE VIPER, I AM THE VIPER."
IT HAD STARTED UP THE STAIRS. SHE HEARD IT STOP AT THE
FIRST ROOM, ANNOUNCE ITSELF, AND THEN WALK IN; SHE HEARD
IT WALKING AROUND THE ROOM, SEARCHING AND LOOKING. HER
MIND RUSHED BACK TO HER CHILDHOOD AND SHE COULD ALMOST SEE
THIS HUGE CREATURE WITH ITS AX AND BASKET, STALKING
THROUGH THE NIGHT ON ITS BLOODY MISSION. SHE COULD PICTURE
ITS HUGE MISHAPENED BODY, ITS FACE ALL LINED WITH DEEP BLUE
VEINS WITH A BLUISH HALF-BLOOD-HALF-INFECTION OOZING FROM
ITS FLESH. SHE COULD PICTURE ITS CRUEL EYES STARING AT
THE BLOODY DEED IT HAD JUST COMPLETED WITH THE BLOODY
CLOTHING AND REDDENED MOUTH. THE SOUND OF THE CREATURE
IN THE HALL AGAIN WOKE HER. HE WAS AT THE SECOND DOOR.
"I AM THE VIPER," HE CRIED AND WALKED INTO THE ROOM. THIS
SAME OCCURENCE HAPPENED TIME AND TIME AGAIN TILL IT WAS AT
THE SIXTH DOOR. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT THE WOMAN
RECALLED THAT THE LAMP ON HER DESK WAS STILL DIMLY LIT.
SHE REACHED OVER TO TURN OFF THE LAMP, BUT HER TREMBLING
FINGERS CAUSED THE LAMP TO FALL TO THE FLOOR WITH A CRASH.
SHE FROZE. SHE HEARD THE CREATURE MOVE AWAY FROM THE
SIXTH DOOR TO HER DOOR. SHE COULD FEEL IT WAITING OUTSIDE,
LISTENING. SHE COULD FEEL ITS ANGERED AND BLOODTHIRSTY
SOUL OUTSIDE HER DOOR. SHE KNEW THAT HER DOOR WAS LOCKED
AND THAT IT WAS A HEAVY DOOR. THE STRENGTH OF THIS OLD
DOOR WAS ALL THAT KEPT THE CREATURE FROM HER. SHE THEN
HEARD THE SICKENING JINGLE OF KEYS--THE CREATURE MUST HAVE
FOUND THEM AT THE MAIN DESK. SHE WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD.
THE TREACHEROUS DOOR SLOWLY OPENED AND THE BODY OF A HUGE
MAN WAS SILHOUETTED WITHIN THE ARCH OF THE DOOR. IN ONE
HAND HE HELD, OH MY GOD IT LOOKED LIKE AN AX! AND IN THE
OTHER -- WAS THAT A BASKET? THE CREATURE APPROACHED THE BED
SLOWLY. THE WOMAN WHISPERED A BRIEF PRAYER, FOR SHE HAD
ALREADY DISCOVERED THAT SHE WAS NOW UNABLE TO SCREAM.
THE FIGURE WALKED TO THE SIDE OF THE BED, REACHED WITH
ONE LARGE HAND, GRABBED HER BY THE SHOULDER AND SAID, "I
AM THE VIPER, I CAME TO VIPE YOUR VINDOWS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE VIPER

ONE NIGHT A WOMAN WAS HOME ALL ALONE AND THE PHONE RANG.
SHE ANSWERED IT, AND A VERY WEIRD VOICE SAID, "I'M
THE VIPER AND I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M 3 MILES AWAY."
THE WOMAN WAS VERY FRIGHTENED, BUT NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE HER
ABOUT THIS PHONE CALL. THE NEXT NIGHT SHE ANSWERED THE
PHONE AGAIN AND THE SAME VOICE SAID, "I'M THE VIPER AND I'M
COMING TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M 2 MILES AWAY." AGAIN, NO ONE
BELIEVED HER. THE NEXT NIGHT HE CALLED AGAIN, AND SAID
"I'M THE VIPER AND I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M 1 MILE
AWAY. I'LL BE THERE TOMORROW." STILL NO ONE BELIEVED
HER. THE NEXT MORNING THERE WAS A TERRIBLE KNOCKING AT
THE DOOR. HER CURIOSITY OVERWHELMED HER AND SHE OPENED
THE DOOR. THERE STOOD A MAN WHO SAID, "I'M THE VINDA
VIPER, AND I COME TO VIPE YOUR VINDOWS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 10-30-1969

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(PUNCH LINE WITH A PUN ON THE WORD COFFIN)

GULLIVER'S GULCH WAS A SMALL TOWN LOCATED ON THE ATLANTIC
COAST. IT WAS A SMALL TOWN, AND IN THE YEAR 1760 (WHEN THE
STORY TAKES PLACE) WAS COMPOSED OF ONLY A DOZEN OLD HOMES,
SEVERAL TAVERNS, A FEW STORES AND THE OUTLYING FARMS.
THERE WERE ONLY TWO BOYS IN THE TOWN WHO WERE THE SAME
AGE. THEIR NAMES WERE FRANK AND JAMES. THE TWO BOYS WERE
THE BEST OF FRIENDS. ONE DAY THEY AGREED TO HIKE TO THE
DESERTED HUNTING LODGE OF FRANK'S GRANDFATHER. THERE WERE
MANY STORIES AND LEGENDS TOLD OF THIS LODGE. STORIES OF
MURDERS, DISAPPEARING BODIES, VAMPIRES AND WITCHES WERE
CONNECTED WITH THE LODGE. BUT THESE STORIES WERE DIS-
REGARDED BY THE BOYS FOR AFTER ALL THIS WAS THE YEAR 1760,
AND NO MODERN AND EDUCATED MAN WOULD BELIEVE IN SUCH
NONSENSE, WOULD HE? BESIDES, ONLY ONE BODY WAS NEVER
FOUND -- THAT OF A VERY OLD WOMAN WHO JUST DISAPPEARED
ONE NIGHT AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN. IT WAS AFTER HER
DISAPPEARANCE THAT A HALF DOZEN PEOPLE WERE KILLED, BUT
THEIR BODIES WERE ALL FOUND WITH THEIR THROATS TORN OUT,
AS IF BY SOME ANIMAL. RUMORS CIRCULATED AT THE TIME
THAT THE BLOOD OF THE VICTIMS WAS DRAINED FROM THEIR
BODIES, BUT THESE RUMORS WERE NEVER VERIFIED BY THE
LOCAL OFFICIALS. STILL, THE PLACE DID DEVELOP A RATHER
LIMITED APPEAL, SOME PEOPLE ARE SO SQUEAMISH, AND UN-
SOPHISTICATED. WELL, THE LODGE WAS FORCED TO CLOSE AND
HAS REMAINED CLOSED NOW, FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS. ENOUGH
OF THIS HISTORY--LET'S GET BACK TO FRANK AND JAMES. THE
BOYS LEFT EARLY ONE MORNING A LITTLE AFTER DAWN, FOR THEY
HAD A GOOD FIFTEEN MILES TO HIKE AND THEY WANTED TO BE
HOME BY NIGHTFALL. THEY HAD PACKED THEIR LUNCHES, EACH
CARRIED A KNIFE, AND BETWEEN THEM THEY HAD MANAGED TO
FIND THREE MATCHES. NOW, IN THOSE DAYS MATCHES WERE
VERY EXPENSIVE, AND RATHER RARE SO THEY WERE LUCKY TO
FIND THREE OF THEM.
THE MORNING THEY LEFT SEEMED TO BE A GOOD ONE FOR HIKING.
THE SUN WAS SHINING AND A MILD BREEZE WAS BLOWING. TOWARD
NINE, HOWEVER, A FEW CLOUDS WERE GATHERING IN THE EAST,
AND BY NOON IT WAS OBVIOUS A STORM WAS BLOWING IN. AT ONE
IT STARTED TO RAIN AND BY TWO IT WAS AS BLACK AS NIGHT.
THE BOYS SOON REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD NEVER MAKE IT
BACK TO TOWN THAT DAY AND THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO STAY AT
THE LODGE. IF THEY COULD FIND IT. THE WALKING BECAME
ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. THE BOYS FELL IN THE TORRENTS OF RAIN
AND MUD. SUDDENLY, A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRUCK A TREE AND A
HUGE LIMB FELL BURNING ACROSS THEIR PATH. BUT THE LIGHTNING
BOLT DID MORE THAN JUST CAUSE A LIMB TO BE THROWN IN THEIR
PATH, ALMOST AS IF IT WAS NATURE'S LAST WARNING TO GO BACK
AND RISK THE TORMENTS OF THE STORM RATHER THAN CONTINUE TO
THE LODGE, IT ALMOST MADE VISIBLE AN OLD LOG BUILDING ON
TOP OF THE NEARBY HILL. THEY HAD FOUND THE LODGE. SOMEHOW
THEY MANAGED TO CLIMB THE HILL, AND WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT THE
PORCH, THEY COLLAPSED, EXHAUSTED. AS FRANK LEANED BACK,
INTO A PILE OF DIRT, DUST, AND LEAVES, HE FELT THE JAB OF A
HARD OBJECT IN HIS BACK. HE BEGAN TO CLEAR AWAY THE LEAVES
AND DIRT AND WHEN HE HAD FINISHED HE FOUND THAT HE HAD UN-
COVERED THE HANDLE TO A TRAP DOOR. HE PULLED ON THE DOOR,
BUT IT WOULD NOT OPEN. HE CALLED JAMES OVER, THEY BOTH
PULLED, AND FOR A MOMENT THE DOOR OPENED, THEN SLAMMED
SHUT AGAIN AS IF SOME UNSEEN HAND HAD PULLED IT CLOSED.
THEY TRIED A THIRD TIME, AND THIS TIME THE DOOR OPENED
AS IF IT HAD NEVER BEEN CLOSED, IT ALMOST OPENED BY ITSELF
AS IF THE HOUSE HAD SUDDENLY DECIDED TO SHARE ITS SECRETS,
PERHAPS ITS FATE WITH THE BOYS. FRANK LIT ONE OF THE
MATCHES AND CLIMBED DOWN THE ROTTED LADDER INTO THE CELLAR
OF THE LODGE. HE CALLED FOR JAMES. JAMES TOOK TWO STEPS
INTO THE CELLAR WHEN THE LADDER COLLAPSED UNDER HIS
WEIGHT AND HE FELL TO THE FLOOR. THE MOMENT HE LANDED, THE
TRAP DOOR CLOSED ABOVE THEM, AND A STRANGELY COLD BREEZE
FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE CELLAR BLEW THE MATCH OUT. THEY LIT
THEIR SECOND MATCH AND IN THE NEXT FEW MOMENTS DISCOVERED
THAT THEY COULD NOT ESCAPE FROM THE CELLAR. WHEN THEY HAD
FULLY REALIZED THAT THEY WERE TRAPPED, JAMES TURNED TO
FRANK AND WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, WHEN HE LOOKED
AT HIS HANDS AND TO HIS HORROR DISCOVERED THAT THEY WERE
BLOOD RED. HE LOOKED UP AND THERE ON THE HANDLE OF THE
TRAP DOOR, ON THE INSIDE, WERE BLOOD-LIKE SMEARS THAT WERE
DRIPPING DOWN UPON HIS HANDS AND JACKET. THEIR STARES THEN
WENT FROM JAMES'S CLOTHING TO THE DIRT FLOOR OF THE CELLAR.
A SMALL TRAIL OF BLOOD RAN FROM UNDER THE TRAP DOOR TO
AN ALMOST HIDDEN DOOR IN THE DARKEST CORNER OF THE CELLAR.
THEY SLOWLY OPENED THE DOOR AND THEN WALKED INSIDE. THE
MOMENT THEY ENTERED THE ROOM, THE DOOR SLAMMED BEHIND THEM
AND BOLTED ITSELF, AND AGAIN THE MATCH WENT OUT. THEY LIT
THEIR THIRD AND LAST MATCH AND JAMES ALSO LIT A SMALL PIECE
OF WOOD COATED WITH TAR OR A SAP OF SOME KIND HE FOUND ON
THE FLOOR. THEY SAW ON THE FLOOR THAT THE TRAIL OF BLOOD
WAS GETTING WIDER AND MORE, ALMOST STREAM-LIKE, AS IT
LED TO ANOTHER DOORWAY. THE DOOR WAS COVERED WITH DRIPPING
BLOOD AND THE BOYS REALIZED THAT WHATEVER ANIMAL WAS CUT
LIKE THIS WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD. THEY KNEW THAT IT WAS
DANGEROUS TO FOLLOW A WOUNDED ANIMAL; BUT THEN THEY COULD
NOT GO BACK THE WAY THEY CAME. THIS MAY BE THEIR ONLY
CHANCE TO ESCAPE. AS THE BOYS DREW NEARER TO THE DOOR,
THEY FOUND THAT THERE WAS A DEFINITE PATTERN TO THE BLOOD
SMEARS ON THE DOOR. SOME OF THESE STREAKS RESEMBLED A
HAND OF SOME SORT, MAYBE THE WORD PAW OR CLAW WOULD DESCRIBE
THE PRINTS BETTER. THEY WERE SMALL, HEAVILY WRINKLED AND
LINED WITH AN ALMOST SHRUNKEN APPEARANCE, BUT THE MOST
HORRIFYING ASPECT OF THE "HANDS" WERE THEIR NAILS. THE
FINGERNAILS WERE CLOSE TO THREE INCHES LONG, AND JUDGING
FROM THE SLICES MADE INTO THE WOOD, RAZOR SHARP. THE
BOYS MADE A DECISION THAT THEY WOULD OPEN THE DOOR, AND HOPE
THAT WHATEVER KIND OF ANIMAL THAT LEFT SUCH TRACES WAS DEAD.
THE TERROR OF BEING BURIED ALIVE, TRAPPED IN SOME CELLAR WAS
GREATER THAN THE TERROR OF MEETING A QUICK DEATH AT THE
HANDS OF SOME WOUNDED ANIMAL. THE BOYS OPENED THE DOOR AND
TOOK THE PRECAUTION OF PLACING A TABLE AND CHAIR THEY HAD
FOUND IN THE ROOM AGAINST THE DOOR JUST IN CASE THEY WOULD
WANT TO LEAVE THE ROOM IN A HURRY. THE BOYS SLOWLY ENTERED
AND JUST AS SOON AS THEY WERE COMPLETELY IN THE ROOM, THEY
HEARD A HORRID, UNEARTHLY HALF-LAUGH--HALF-SHRIEK SOUND. THE
TABLE LEAPED INTO THE AIR AND SHATTERED ITSELF AGAINST THE
WALL, THROWN BY SOME UNSEEN HANDS. THE CHAIR LEAPED INTO THE
AIR AND HUNG THERE TWIRLLING LIKE SOME MADDENED TOP, BEFORE
CRASHING TO THE FLOOR AND DESTROYING ITSELF. THE BOYS MADE
A DASH TO OPEN THE DOOR, WHICH WAS SLOWLY CLOSING. FRANK'S
MATCH HAD GONE OUT IN THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF THIS SCENE
BUT JAMES'S "CANDLE" STILL BURNED ON THE FLOOR WHERE HE DROPPED
IT. THE BOYS LOOKED AROUND THEIR PRISON AND AGAIN THE
HORRIBLY FAMILIAR TRAIL OF BLOOD LED THE WAY. THERE IN THE
FARTHEST CORNER OF THE ROOM, VEILED IN A CURTAIN OF SPIDER
WEBS, AND GUARDED BY A LEGION OF RATS, AND THE BONES OF
OTHER ANIMALS WAS A BOX. THE BOX WAS SIX FEET LONG AND
ABOUT THREE FEET WIDE. THE SHAPE OF A COFFIN! FRANK THE
BRAVEST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT THE BRIGHTEST OF THE GROUP, TOOK
THE CANDLE FROM JAMES AND WENT TO OPEN THE BOX. HE SLOWLY
LIFTED THE LID AND THERE LAY THE DECAYING BODY OF A VERY OLD
WOMAN. HER HAIR WAS LONG AND KNOTTED AS IF SOME RAT HAD
BUILT ITS HOME THERE, HER NAILS WERE LONG AND APPEARED
TO BE AS SHARP AS A KNIFE. ONE OF HER EYES HAD ROTTED AND
FALLEN OUT OF ITS SOCKET AND A SPIDER WAS CRAWLG BACK IN
FORTH IN THE EMPTINESS OF THAT WHICH WAS ONCE AN EYE,
SPINNING ITS WEB. AS FRANK STARED AT THE FACE, SLOWLY THE
OTHER EYE OPENED AND STARED AT HIM. THE LIPS OF THE WOMAN
SLOWLY PARTED AND A STREAM OF BLOODY SALIVA DROOLED FROM
HER LIPS DOWN THE SIDE OF HER DECAYING CHEEKS. FRANK
SCREAMED, DROPPED THE CANDLE, AND SLAMMED THE LID SHUT,
JUST AS THE HAND OF THE WOMAN MADE A LUNGE FOR HIS THROAT.
THE FORCE OF THE LID SLICED THE HAND FROM THE BODY AND IT
FELL WITH A SICKENING THUMP TO THE FLOOR. FRANK RACED BACK
TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM WHERE JAMES WAS. THE ROOM WHICH
WAS MOMENTARILY THRUST INTO PROTECTING DARKNESS SLOWLY
BEGAN TO BE FILLED WITH A PULSATING AND UNEARTHLY LIGHT
ORIGINATING FROM THE COFFIN. THE LIGHT BECAME BRIGHTER
AND THE PULSATIONS MORE FREQUENT AS THE COFFIN SLOWLY
OPENED AND THE DEAD WOMAN, THE VAMPIRE SAT UP. THE COFFIN
ROSE FROM ITS RESTING PLACE ON A SMALL HILL AND BEGAN TO
FLOAT TOWARD THE BOYS. THE HAND ON THE FLOOR BEGAN TO
DRAG ITSELF BY ITS NAILS IN THE DIRECTION OF FRANK AND JAMES.
THE WOMAN IN THE COFFIN BECKONED THE BOYS TO COME TO HER.
THOUGH SHE DID NOT SPEAK, THE BOYS COULD HEAR HER SYING
"FEED ME, I THIRST, GIVE ME DRINK, FEED ME." HER JAWS
OPENED AND CLOSED WITH A GRINDING SOUND AND TWO LARGE
TEETH BECAME INCREASINGLY MORE VISIBLE. THE BLOOD GURGLED
FROM HER MOUTH AND THE COFFIN WITH ITS RIDER CREPT CLOSER
AND CLOSER TO THE BOYS. THE BOYS FOUND THEMSELVES AGAINST
THE WALL IN THE FARTHEST CORNER OF THE ROOM WITH THE COFFIN
ONLY INCHES FROM THEIR THROATS. JAMES SUDDENLY SCREAMED
AND THERE CRAWLING UP HIS LEG WAS THE SEVERED HAND OF THE
WOMAN. THE BOYS FOUND THEMSELVES ONLY MOMENTS FROM DEATH
WHEN A VOICE SHOUTED, "DON'T WORRY BOYS, LUDEN'S WILD
CHERRY COUGH CROPS WILL STOP THAT COUGHING (COFFIN).

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE VINDLE VIPER

HERE'S A JOKE THAT USED TO CIRCULATE AROUND LANSING
{MICHIGAN} WHEN I WAS A KID: IT IS TOLD BEST IN AN
EERIE SETTING, PREFERABLY AFTER SOME GOOD "GHOST STORIES"
HAVE KEYED EVERYBODY UP:
THERE ONCE WAS THIS LITTLE BOY WHO WAS AT HOME ALL BY
HIMSELF ONE NIGHT AND EVERYTHING WAS DARK AND STILL.
HE WAS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM BEING PRETTY SCARED,
WHEN SUDDENLY THE PHONE RANG, ALMOST SCARING HIM OUT OF
HIS WITS. THE VOICE ON THE PHONE SAID, "I AM THE VINDLE
VIPER AND I AM FIVE BLOCKS AWAY." WELL, THIS REALLY

SCARED THE LITTLE BOY, SO HE WENT AND TURNED ON ALL THE
LIGHTS SO HE WOULDN'T BE SO SCARED.
HE WAS JUST GETTING OVER BEING SCARED, WHEN RINNNGGG!
THERE WENT THE PHONE AGAIN. THIS TIME THE VOICE SAID,
"I AM THE VINDLE VIPER AND I AM THREE BLOCKS AWAY."
WELL, THAT REALLY SCARED THE BOY AND HE WENT AND DOVE
INTO BED UNDER THE COVERS. THE PHONE RANG AGAIN BUT HE
WOULDN'T EVEN ANSWER IT; HE WAS REALLY SCARED.
HE WAS JUST HOPING THAT NOTHING MORE WOULD HAPPEN,
WHEN, BAM, SOMEONE CAME IN THE BACK DOOR. THE POOR
BOY ALMOST DIED OF FRIGHT AT THIS, AND THEN HE HEARD THAT
SAME VOICE CALL OUT FROM THE KITCHEN: "I AM THE VINDLE
VIPER AND I HAVE COME TO VIPE YOUR VINDLES {WINDOWS}!"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE KILLER

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I WAS A WITNESS TO A KILLING.
SO I WENT TO COURT AND THE MURDERER WAS CONVICTED AND
SENTENCED TO DIE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR. WHEN THE KILLER
WAS LEAVING THE COURTROOM, HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID
"I'LL GET YOU LATER." I GHOUGHT THAT THIS WAS KIND OF
FUNNY, 'CAUSE THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING. A FEW WEEKS
LATER, I SAW IN THE NEWSPAPER THAT HE HAD ESCAPED FROM
THE PRISON, BUT I WASN'T TOO WORRIED, BECAUSE I DIDN'T
THINK HE'D {ILLEGIBLE} FIND ME. ONE NIGHT THAT WEEK
I WAS WALKING HOME FROM A DATE WHEN A CAR PULLED UP
ALONG SIDE OF ME. IT WAS THE KILLER IN THE CAR AND HE
JUMPED OUT AND STARTED TO CHASE ME. I HAD NO WHERE TO GO,
BUT DOWN THIS DARK ALLEY. HE WAS RUNNING JUST BEHIND ME.
THE ALLEY ENDED IN A DEAD-END, SO I STARTED UP A FIRE
ESCAPE, BUT THE KILLER GRABBED ME FROM BEHIND AND PULLED
MY LEGS, JUST LIKE I'M PULLING YOURS!

Where learned: HOME ; TOLD AT

Date learned: 11-18-1970

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(THE SPIRIT OF FRATERNITY)

A FEW YEARS AGO AT SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY {NEW YORK}
A FRATERNITY WAS PLANNING ITS "HELL WEEKEND." SINCE
IT FELL ON HALLOWEEN, THEY PLANNED TO SEND THEIR
THIRTEEN PLEDGES TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE
NEARBY. WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THEY WERE TO SET UP
THIRTEEN CANDLES IN THE ATTIC WINDOWS. EACH ONE WAS
GIVEN A CANDLE, ONLY ONE WAS GIVEN THE MATCHES, SO THE
PLEDGE WOULD HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER CREATING UNITY.
THE MEMBERS WERE WATCHING FROM NEARBY AND WHEN AN HOUR
WENT BY AND THE CANDLES WERE NOT LIT, THEY DECIDED TO GO
UP AND SEE WHAT WAS WRONG. THEY FOUND ONE PLEDGE OUTSIDE
THE HOUSE, FROZEN IN A RUNNING POSITION; HE APPEARED
TO HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENED TO DEATH. THE MEMBERS CONTINUED
THROUGH THE HOUSE AND FOUND THE REST OF THE PLEDGES IN
DIFFERENT ROOMS, ALL DEAD. THEY DID NOT HAVE WITH THEM
ANY OF THE THINGS THAT THE MEMBERS HAD GIVEN THEM.
IN THE ATTIC, THEY FOUND THE CANDLES SET UP AND THE
THIRTEENTH PLEDGE FROZEN IN A POSITION OF LIGHTING
THEM, HIS HAIR WAS SNOW WHITE. NO ONE COULD DISCOVER
WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS HAVOC.
ONE YEAR LATER ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THIS EVENT, THERE
WERE TWELVE MEMBERS LEFT. THAT NIGHT ELEVEN OF THEM
WENT TO A PARTY IN TWO CARS, BY FREAK ACCIDENT THESE
TWO CARS SMASHED INTO EACH OTHER, KILLING ALL. THE
TWELFTH MEMBER HAD BEEN AT HOME.
TWO YEARS AFTER THE ORIGINAL MISHAP ON HALLOWEEN EVE
THE LAST MEMBER WAS TRYING TO GET HOME SO HE WOULDN'T
BE ALONE, SO HE WAS HITCHHIKING. IN ORDER TO GET TO THE
MAIN ROAD HE HAD TO WALK PAST THE HOUSE, IN FRONT OF {WHICH} A
PICKUP TRUCK DROVE UP AND THE DRIVER OFFERED HIM A RIDE.
ONCE INSIDE THE YOUNG MAN TOLD THE DRIVER THE TALE, WHICH
THE DRIVER COULDN'T BELIEVE. HOWEVER, WHEN THE BOY TOLD
HIM THAT HE WAS THE LAST ONE LEFT, THE DRIVER BEGAN TO
LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. HE LEANED TOWARD THE YOUTH AND SAID
"I AM THE SPIRIT OF YOUR FRATERNITY AND I WANT YOU!"

Submitter comment: THIS IS SORT OF A JOKE-TALE IN THAT IT CAN TAKE PLACE
AT ANY UNIVERSITY AND IT CAN BE DRAWN OUT TO A MUCH
LONGER VERSION THAN HERE. IT IS USUALLY TOLD AROUND
A CANDLE (FOR EFFECT) AND THE TELLER JUMPS AT SOMEONE
IN THE CIRCLE, ON THE LAST LINE, CREATING QUITE A
SCENE. THE INFORMANT IS VERY GOOD AT DELIVERING THIS
STORY.

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Date learned: 10-31-1971

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TRIBUNE

THE FIRST TIME I TOLD ANYONE THIS STORY, I WAS NEARLY
PUSHED OFF A RAILROAD PLATFORM. EACH SUCCESSIVE TIME
I TOLD IT, OR EVERY TIME ANYONE ELSE TOLD IT, THE REACTION
BY THE LISTENER WAS EQUALLY DANGEROUS. I DON'T ADVISE
ANYONE'S TELLING IT TO A GROUP. HE JUST MAY NOT COME
OUT ALIVE!
ONE DAY THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME WAS JOHNNY. THE
FIRST DAY THAT JOHNNY WENT TO SCHOOL, HE HAPPENED TO SEE
THE WORD "TRIBUNE" SCRAWLED ON A WALL. HE HAD NEVER SEEN
THIS WORD BEFORE, AND SO WHEN HE GOT TO SCHOOL, HE ASKED
HIS TEACHER WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT. HIS TEACHER
LOOKED AT HIM QUITE SHOCKED AND ORDERED LITTLE JOHNNY
TO GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
TEARFULLY, JOHNNY WENT TO THE PRINCIPAL. THE PRINCIPAL
ASKED JOHNNY WHY HE WAS SENT AND JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY
TEACHER A QUESTION AND SHE SENT ME TO YOU. WHAT DOES
'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRINCIPAL STOOD UP, KNOCKING OVER HIS CHAIR, AND ALMOST
UNABLE TO SPEAK, HE ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
OUT OF THE SCHOOL PERMANENTLY. NEVER HAD A CHILD ASKED
SUCH A QUESTION.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT HOME, HIS MOTHER ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS SO
EARLY. JOHNNY SAID, "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION AND
SHE SENT ME TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. I ASKED THE
PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL.
MOMMY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S MOTHER ALMOST FAINTED WHEN SHE HEARD THIS.
AFTER SPANKING HIM, SHE SENT HIM TO HIS ROOM TO WAIT
UNTIL HIS FATHER CAME HOME THAT EVENING. SHE WAS VERY
UPSET.
WHEN JOHNNY'S FATHER CAME HOME AND SAW THE MENTAL STATE
JOHNNY'S MOTHER WAS IN, HE IMMEDIATELY RUSHED UP TO JOHNNY'S
ROOM AND ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME. I ASKED MOMMY
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD ME TO WAIT IN
MY ROOM UNTIL YOU GOT HOME. DADDY, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE'
MEAN?"
JOHNNY'S FATHER STOOD STOCK-STILL FOR OVER A MINUTE. HE
THEN SPANKED JOHNNY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE AND
TO NEVER COME BACK. JOHNNY'S FATHER WAS ALSO QUITE UPSET.
JOHNNY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO, SO HE WENT TO THE PARISH
PRIEST. "I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
SENT ME TO MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. FATHER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRIEST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR THINK. TRYING TO
CONCEAL HIS OVERPOWERING ANGER, HE TOLD JOHNNY TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND NOT COME BACK ANYMORE.
THE PASTOR WAS A KIND OLD MAN WHO NEVER HURT ANYONE AND WAS
A PERFECT LEADER FOR HIS CONGREGATION. WHEN JOHNNY WENT
INTO HIS OFFICE, THE PASTOR ASKED HIM TO SIT DOWN AND GAVE
JOHNNY A LOLLYPOP. HE THEN ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER. I ASKED MY MOTHER
THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND SEND ME TO
MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY FATHER THE
QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE.
I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST, AND THE PRIEST SENT ME TO YOU
AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM. MONSIGNEOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POOR OLD PRIEST THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A HEART
ATTACK. HE HAD FACED MANY TRYING TIMES IN HIS POSITION
AS THE PASTOR, BUT NOTHING EVER EQUALLING THIS. FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS, THE OLD PASTOR ACTUALLY GOT
ANGRY AND HE TOLD JOHNNY TO ASK THE BISHOP AND NEVER TO
SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
VERY CRESTFALLEN, LITTLE JOHNNY WENT TO THE BISHOP FOR
HELP. THE BISHOP BEING A VERY BUSY MAN, JOHNNY HAD TO
WAIT A LONG TIME BEFORE THE BISHOP HAD THE TIME TO SEE
HIM.
FINALLY, JOHNNY WAS ALLOWED TO TALK TO THE BISHOP. HE
WALKED INTO THE OFFICE AND STOOD IN FRONT OF THE LARGE
DESK BEHIND WHICH SAT A ROTUND, RED-FACED MAN. THE
BISHOP ASKED JOHNNY WHAT HIS PROBLEM WAS.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED MY
FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME
TO YOU AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH
AGAIN. YOUR REVERENCE, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE BISHOP TURNED SEVERAL SHADES REDDER IN ANGER AND
ORDERED JOHNNY OUT OF HIS OFFICE BECAUSE HE HAD A LOT OF
WORK TO DO AND TOLD HIM TO GO TO THE POPE. THE BISHOP
THEN ALMOST CARRIED JOHNNY TO THE DOOR, THREW HIM OUT,
AND SLAMMED THE DOOR.
JOHNNY WENT TO ROME, AND AFTER A VERY LONG WAIT WAS FINALLY
ABLE TO GET AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE. VERY NERVOUSLY,
JOHNNY TOLD THE POPE HIS PROBLEM.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME
TO THE PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND
HE KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT OF
HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER TO COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN.
I ASKED THE PASTOR AND HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD
ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE
BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS
OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO COME TO YOU. YOUR EMMINENCE, WHAT
DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE POPE BECOME SO ANGRY AND UPSET THAT HE BEGAN SWEARING
UNDER HIS BREATH. HE SLOWLY STOOD UP, AND VERY SLOWLY
TOLD JOHNNY THAT HE WAS HEREBY EXCOMMUNICATED FROM THE
CHURCH, AND THAT IF HE WANTED ANY MORE HELP TO GO TO THE
GOVERNMENT OF HIS COUNTRY.
SO JOHNNY MADE THE LONG TRIP BACK TO AMERICA, STILL NOT
KNOWING WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE" MEANT, AND HE WAS ALREADY A
YOUNG MAN BY THIS TIME.
WHEN JOHNNY GOT BACK TO THE STATES, HE IMMEDIATELY WENT
TO THE SENATOR OF HIS STATE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND TOLD
ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I ASKED
MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED ME OUT
OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK
TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME
TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT INSIDE HIS
CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE
BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE
EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK YOU. MR. SENATOR,
WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE SENATOR ASKED JOHNNY TO REPEAT THE QUESTION, AND BY
THE TIME HE DID, THERE WERE TWELVE POLICEMEN DRAGGING
JOHNNY OUT OF THE OFFICE. JUST BEFORE HE WAS OUT OF THE
ROOM, JOHNNY OVERHEARD THE SENATOR TELLING ONE OF THE
POLICEMEN THAT HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE VICE-PRESIDENT
TO ASK THAT QUESTION.
THE POLICEMEN DROPPED JOHNNY IN THE STREET OUTSIDE THE
SENATOR'S OFFICE, WARNING HIM THAT IF HE WAS EVER SEEN IN
AREA AGAIN, HE WOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A LONG TIME.
BY THIS TIME, JOHNNY WAS A GROWN MAN AND HE HAD DEVOTED
HIS ENTIRE LIFE TO FINDING OUT WHAT THE WORD "TRIBUNE"
MEANT. HE DIDN'T CARE WHERE HE HAD TO GO, OR WHO HE HAD
TO ASK, JUST AS LONG AS HE FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANT BEFORE
HE DIED.
JOHNNY'S NEXT MOVE WAS TO ASK THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. AFTER MANY MONTHS OF TRYING EXPERIENCES WITH
MIDDLEMEN, JOHNNY'S PERSISTENCE FINALLY PAID OFF WHEN HE WAS
ALLOWED TO SEE THE PRESIDENT IN PERSON. AS JOHNNY HAD
EXPECTED, THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST QUESTION WAS, "WHAT
SEEMS TO BE YOUR PROBLEM?"
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER GOT HOME. I
ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND HE SPANKED ME AND KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST THE
QUESTION, AND HE SENT ME TO THE PASTOR AND TOLD ME NEVER
TO COME BACK TO HIM. I ASKED THE PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND
HE SENT ME TO THE BISHOP AND TOLD ME TO NEVER SET FOOT
INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN. I ASKED THE BISHOP THE
QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP THREW ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND
TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION,
AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK A
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. I ASKED MY SENATOR, AND HE THREW
ME OUT INTO THE STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK YOU. MR.
PRESIDENT, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
THE PRESIDENT JUST SAT THERE AND TREMBLED. SURE ENOUGH,
WHILE JOHNNY WAS WAITING FOR A LONG SOUGHT-AFTER QUESTION,
HE RECEIVED PRACTICALLY THE SAME TREATMENT HE HAD RECEIVED
AT THE SENATOR'S OFFICE. IN A COUPLE MINUTES THE ROOM WAS
SWARMING WITH SECRET SERVICE MEN, ALL DISPLAYING REVOLVERS.
THE PRESIDENT TOLD HIS MEN TO ESCORT JOHNNY TO THE AIRPORT
WHERE HE WAS TO BOARD A PLANE WHICH WOULD TAKE HIM OUT OF
THE COUNTRY PERMANENTLY. NOT ONLY WAS JOHNNY EXILED BY
HIS FAMILY AND CHURCH, HE WAS NOW EVEN EXILED BY HIS
COUNTRY. EACH TIME HE RECEIVED SUCH TREATMENT, HIS
DEPRESSION WOULD INCREASE, AS WELL AS HIS DESIRE TO LEARN
WHAT THIS ONE LITTLE WORD MEANT. IT HAD BECOME A TOTAL
OBSESSION WITH HIM. HIS ENTIRE LIFE WAS CENTERED AROUND
THIS ONE GOAL, AND HE COULDN'T AND WOULDN'T ALLOW ANYTHING
TO GET IN HIS WAY.
THE NEXT THREE OR FOUR YEARS OF JOHNNY'S LIFE WAS SPENT
TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, TALKING TO EVERY DIGNITARY
AND MAN OF ANY KNOWLEDGE, AND ALWAYS GETTING THE SAME
TREATMENT.
JOHNNY'S THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY FOUND HIM WANDERING THE
STREETS OF MOSCOW, TRYING TO FIND SOME WAY HE COULD GET IN
TO TALK TO THE PRIME MINISTER. AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS OF
WAITING AND HOPING, HE FINALLY RECEIVED WORD THAT THE
PRIME MINISTER WOULD SEE HIM.
FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, JOHNNY FELT STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC
ON THE MORNING OF HIS APPOINTMENT. HE HAD HAD A VERY
GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND FELT QUITE WELL. AFTER SHOWING
HIS CREDENTIALS TO NUMEROUS SECRETARIES AND LOWER OFFICIALS,
HE FINALLY REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER HIMSELF.
"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?" ASKED THE PRIME MINISTER IN A
SURPRISINGLY PLEASANT VOICE.
"I ASKED MY TEACHER A QUESTION, AND SHE SENT ME TO THE
PRINCIPAL. I ASKED THE PRINCIPAL THE QUESTION, AND HE
KICKED ME OUT OF SCHOOL AND SENT ME HOME TO MY MOTHER.
I ASKED MY MOTHER THE QUESTION, AND SHE SPANKED ME AND
TOLD ME TO WAIT IN MY ROOM UNTIL MY FATHER CAME HOME.
I ASKED MY FATHER THE QUESTION, AND MY FATHER SPANKED ME
AND KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE. I ASKED THE PARISH PRIEST
THE QUESTION, AND THE PARISH PRIEST TOLD ME TO GO TO THE
PASTOR AND TO NEVER COME BACK TO HIM AGAIN. I ASKED THE
PASTOR THE QUESTION, AND THE PASTOR SENT ME TO THE BISHOP
ANDTOLD ME NEVER TO SET FOOT INSIDE HIS CHURCH AGAIN.
I ASKED THE BISHOP THE QUESTION, AND THE BISHOP KICKED
ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND TOLD ME TO GO TO THE POPE. I
ASKED THE POPE THE QUESTION, AND THE POPE EXCOMMUNICATED
ME AND TOLD ME TO ASK ONE OF MY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. I
ASKED MY SENATOR, AND THE SENATOR THREW ME OUT INTO THE
STREET SAYING I SHOULD ASK THE PRESIDENT. I ASKED THE
PRESIDENT THE QUESTION, AND THE PRESIDENT THREW ME OUT OF
HIS OFFICE AND EXILED ME FROM THE COUNTRY. FOR NEARLY
FOUR YEARS I'VE BEEN TRAVELLING THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AND
HAVE ALWAYS RECEIVED THE SAME TREATMENT. I HAVE NOW COME
TO YOU. MR. PRIME MINISTER, WHAT DOES 'TRIBUNE' MEAN?"
ALL THROUGH JOHNNY'S STORY, THE PRIME MINISTER SEEMED
VERY INTERESTED AND LISTENED VERY CAREFULLY TO EVERY WORD
THAT WAS SAID, BUT WHEN JOHNNY SPRUNG THE QUESTION ON HIM,
THE PRIME MINISTER STARTED RAVING, POUNDING HIS SHOE ON
HIS DESK, SHOUTING FOR HIS POLICE, SECRET SERVICE MEN,
JANITORS, AND EVEN HIS WIFE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, A FEW
MINUTES LATER JOHNNY FOUND HIMSELF LYING ON THE SIDEWALK,
EVERYONE IN THE AREA LOOKING AT HIM AND JEERING NOISILY.
STILL, JOHNNY'S SPIRIT WASN'T BROKEN. HE PICKED HIMSELF
UP, BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF, AND JUST AS HE WAS CROSSING THE
STREET IN FRONT OF THE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE, THERE
WAS A SCREACHING OF TIRES, A SHORT CRY, AND THEN DEAD
SILENCE. JOHNNY HAD BEEN STRUCK BY A CAR AND KILLED
INSTANTLY.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: "LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING
THE STREET."

Submitter comment: AS CAN BE IMAGINED, THIS STORY CAN BE DRAGGED OUT TO AN
INFINITE LENGTH: THE LONGER THE STORY, THE BETTER THE
LISTENER'S REACTION. WHEN TOLD TO ME, IT TOOK ABOUT
15 MINUTES. WHEN I TELL IT, IT USUALLY TAKES AROUND 20
MINUTES. A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE SPENT 45 MINUTES TELLING
A GROUP OF PEOPLE THIS STORY. HE IS AN EXCELLENT
STORY-TELLER TO BEGIN WITH AND HAD THE ATTENTION OF
THE GROUP THROUGHOUT. RIP

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): REST IN PEACE

Date learned: 00-00-1966

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IT FLOATS

THERE WAS AN OLD MAN WHO KILLED ANOTHER MAN AND DUMPED
HIS BODY IN THE RIVER. THAT NIGHT WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HE HEARD A VOICE SAYING, "IT FLOATS, IT FLOATS." SO HE
JUMPED UP AND RAN DOWN TO THE RIVER, BUT HE COULDN'T
SEE THE BODY. THE NEXT NIGHT HE HEARD THE SAME VOICE
SAYING, "IT FLOATS, IT FLOATS." HE WENT BACK TO THE
RIVER, BUT HE COULDN'T FIND ANY BODY, SO HE WENT BACK
TO BED. THE NEXT NIGHT THE VOICE CAME AGAIN, SAYING
"IT FLOATS, IT FLOATS." HE WENT DOWN TO THE RIVER, BUT
HE COULDN'T FIND ANY FLOATING BODY. HE SAID "WHAT
FLOATS?" THE VOICE ANSWERED: "IVORY SOAP FLOATS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): ADVERTISING COMMERCIAL

Date learned: 10-30-1968

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(BROKEN GLASS)

ONE DAY A MAN RETURNED HOME TO FIND HIS BOY AND GIRL
CRYING, FOR THEIR MOTHER HAD DISAPPEARED. THREE
MONTHS LATER, DAD DISAPPEARED. THE CHILDREN SEARCHED
TO NO AVAIL. ONE DAY THE BOY DID NOT RETURN FROM PLAY.
ALL ALONE, THE GIRL CRIED AND SEARCHED FOR HER LOST
FAMILY. ONE NIGHT SHE HEARD NOISES FROM THE ATTIC.
FRIGHTENED, SHE CLIMBED THE LONG STAIRS. AS SHE ROSE
HIGHER SHE HEARD MOANING. CAUTIOUSLY, SHE OPENED THE
DOOR AND . . . (HERE THE NARRATOR SCREECHES) (WHEN
THE AUDIENCE RECOVERS, SOMEONE, IF THE SPEAKER IS
LUCKY, ASKS, "WHY DID SHE SCREAM? THE SPEAKER
ANSWERS "YOU'D SCREAM TOO IF YOU STEPPED ON BROKEN
GLASS!"

Submitter comment: A GROUP OF US WERE TOLD THIS STORY AT A PICNIC IN
SYLVANIA {OHIO}.

Where learned: OHIO ; TOLEDO

Date learned: 00-00-1964

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SHAGGY DOG STORY

MAN WITH BOXER IN BAR, BRAGGING ABOUT HIS FIGHTING DOG.
OTHER MAN WITH SHAGGY DOG COMES IN. SHAGGY DOG BITES
BOXER'S HEAD OFF. SECOND MAN SAYS A FRIEND OF HIS FROM
AFRICA SENT HIM THE DOG AND BEFORE HE TRIMMED THAT LONG
HAIR OFF ITS NECK IT LOOKED LIKE HELL.

Where learned: BUFFALO ; NEW YORK

Keyword(s): LION

Date learned: 10-05-1971

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SHAGGY DOG STORY

A MAN WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT AND TELLS THE WAITER THAT HIS
DOG CAN TALK.
WAITER: I DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOG CAN TALK. BUT IF HE CAN,
I'LL BUY YOU AND YOUR DOG A FREE MEAL.
THE MAN TURNED TO HIS DOG AND ASKS, "WHAT'S THE TOP OF A
BUILDING CALLED?"
DOG: R-R-ROOF!
WAITER: NOW, LET ME ASK HIM SOMETHING, WHO IS THE GREATEST
BASEBALL PLAYER WHO EVER LIVED?
DOG: R-R-ROOF!
WAITER: JUST AS I THOUGHT. HE CAN'T TALK. GET OUT OF HERE.
THE WAITER TOSSES THE MAN AND HIS DOG OUT ONTO THE STREET.
OUT ON THE SIDEWALK THE DOG LOOKS UP AT THE MAN AND ASKS,
"DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE SAID 'MICKEY MANTLE'?

Data entry tech comment: REFERENCE TO FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER, BABE RUTH.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; GROSSE POINTE WOODS

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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(THE GIRL WITH THE RIBBON AROUND HER NECK)

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL WHO ALWAYS WORE A RIBBON AROUND HER
NECK. EVERYONE WOULD ALWAYS ASK HER WHY SHE WORE IT.
BUT SHE WOULD NEVER TELL. SO WHEN SHE DIED SOMEONE
REMOVED THE RIBBON AND HER HEAD FELL OFF.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; WARREN

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE GIRL WITH THE RIBBON AROUND HER NECK

A YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING COURTED AND HER YOUNG MAN KEPT
ASKING HER TO REMOVE THE CHOKER RIBBON SHE WORE AROUND
HER NECK. FOR AS LONG AS HE HAD KNOWN HER, SHE HAD
ALWAYS WORN THE SAME RIBBON AND HE HAD GROWN QUITE TIRED
OF IT. THEY WERE MARRIED ANYWAY, IN SPITE OF HER REFUSAL
TO REMOVE THE RIBBON. ON THE HONEYMOON HE ASKED HER FOR
THE ONE GREAT FAVOR TO HIM, OF REMOVING THE RIBBON. SHE
RELUCTANTLY AGREED, REMOVED THE RIBBON AND HER HEAD
FELL OFF.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 02-00-1971

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(THE MICROBES)

THERE WERE THESE TWO GERM CELLS IN THE BLOODSTREAM OF A
HORSE, ONE ALWAYS IN THE VEINS AND ONE ALWAYS IN THE
ARTERIES. ONE DAY THEY MET, BY CHANCE, IN THE HORSE'S
HEART. THEY GOT TO DISCUSSING THEIR BORING EXISTENCE
UNTIL THEY HAPPENED ON THE IDEA OF EXCHANGING ROUTES.
SO THEY DID AND SOON THE HORSE DIED.
THIS ONLY GOES TO SHOW THAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE STREAMS IN
THE MIDDLE OF A HORSE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; JACKSON

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE GIFT

ONCE, IN A FAR AWAY PLACE A TRIBE OF PEOPLE LIVED. THE KING OF
THE PEOPLE LIVED IN A LARGE GRASS HUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
VILLAGE. THE KING HAD A LARGE THRONE MADE OF BRONZE AND IVORY
WEIGHING MANY TONS. A NEIGHBORING TRIBE WISHING TO MAKE FRIENDS
PRESENTED THE KING WITH A NEW THRONE MADE OF GOLD AND SILVER.
NOW, THIS NEW THRONE WAS MUCH NICER THAN THE OLD ONE, SO THE
KING BEGAN USING HIS NEW THRONE. MEANWHILE, THE OLD THRONE WAS
PUT INTO THE ATTIC . ONE DAY A LARGE ELEPHANT STAMPEDED BY,
SHAKING THE GROUND WITH IT'S STEPS. THE KING WAS SITTING ON HIS
THRONE AT THE TIME AND GOT UP TO SEE WHAT THE COMMOTION WAS ALL
ABOUT. AS HE GOT UP, THE OLD THRONE FELL THROUGH THE CEILING AND
CRUSHED HIM. THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS..."KING'S WHO LIVE IN GRASS
HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 10-00-1972

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(A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED)

THERE WAS ONCE A MAN CALLED BENNY, WHO FOUND AN OLD LAMP
AND RUBBED IT. A GENIE APPEARED AND GRANTED HIM A WISH
ON ONE CONDITION: THAT HE NEVER SHAVE AGAIN FOR THE REST
OF HIS LIFE. SO BENNY PROMISED NOT TO SHAVE, AND THE GENIE
SAID THAT IF HE WERE TO SHAVE, HE WOULD BE TURNED INTO AN
URN. THIRTY YEARS LATER THE BEARD WAS PRETTY LONG AND THE
GENIE HAD GRANTED HIS WISH OF RICHES AND THINKING THAT THE
GENIE FORGOT ABOUT THE AGREEMENT, BENNY SHAVED AND WAS
INSTANTLY TURNED INTO AN URN. THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW:
"A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): EARNED

Date learned: 10-05-1970

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THE COWARDLY COUNT

ONE TIME THERE WERE TWO COUNTRIES CARRYING ON A BLOODY WAR.
INTELLIGENCE REPORTS FROM THE SECRET SERVICE TOLD THE
GENERALS OF THE ONE COUNTRY THAT THEIR ENEMIES HAD A
SECRET WEAPON THAT THEY WERE PLANNING TO USE. IN ORDER TO
FIND OUT THIS SECRET WEAPON, THEYCAPTURED ONE OF THE ENEMIES'
HIGH RANKING COUNTS WHO HAD INFORMATION ON THIS WEAPON.
INTERROGATING HIM FOR HOURS, THEY COULD GET NO INFORMATION.
FINALLY, THEY THREATENED THE COUNT BY PUTTING HIM ON THE
CHOPPING BLOCK. THE EXECUTIONER HAD HIS AX READY TO BEHEAD
THE COUNT WHEN THE CHIEF INTERROGATOR GAVE THE LAST CHANCE
TO TELL THEM THE VALUABLE INFORMATION. AS THE COUNT REFUSED
AGAIN, THE SIGNAL WAS GIVEN FOR THE EXECUTIONER TO CUT OFF
THE COUNT'S HEAD. AS THE AX WAS COMING DOWN, THE COUNT
CHANGED HIS MIND AND CALLED OUT, "WAIT, WAIT. I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING!" BUT BEFORE THE ORDER COULD BE REVERSED, SWISH,
THE HEAD WENT ROLLING OFF THE CHOPPING BLOCK. THE MORAL
OF THE STORY: DON'T HATCHET YOUR COUNTS BEFORE THEY CHICKEN.

Submitter comment: I HEARD THIS SEVERAL YEARS AGO, BUT DON'T REMEMBER FROM WHOM.

Where learned: NOT GIVEN

Keyword(s): COWARD FEAR

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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SHAGGY DOG STORY (WITH A MORAL)

A COUNT IN THE DAYS OF OLD WAS ACCUSED OF STEALING FROM
THE KING AND SENTENCED TO BE BEHEADED FOR HIS CRIME. HE
IS TAKEN UP TO THE HIGHEST TOWER IN THE CASTLE OF THE KING
AND HIS HEAD IS SET ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK. THE AXMAN TURNS
TO HIM AND SAYS, "WILL YOU ADMIT THAT YOU DID THE STEALING
BEFORE I MUST BEHEAD YOU?" AND THE COUNT DENIES IT. AGAIN,
AFTER A FEW SECONDS, THE AXMAN PLEADS, "TELL THAT YOU DID
THE STEALING AND YOU WILL BE RELEASED." AGAIN, THE COUNT
REFUSES TO TELL AND THE AXMAN PREPARED TO LIFT THE BLADE.
JUST AS THE AX GOES DOWN, THE COUNT SCREAMS OUT, "I DID IT."
BUT IT IS TOO LATE TO RECALL THE AX, AND HE IS BEHEADED.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS AS FOLLOWS: "DON'T HATCHET
YOUR COUNTS BEFORE THEY CHICKEN."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SAGINAW

Keyword(s): FEAR COWARD

Date learned: 03-27-1971

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(PROVERB)

THERE ONCE WAS A KING WHO HAD A COUNT SUSPECTED OF WITH-
HOLDING HIS PAYMENTS TO THE KING. THE KING THREATENED
HIM WITH THE AWE {AXE} IF HE WOULDN'T CONFESS TO WITHHOLDING.
THEN ONE DAY HE WAS DETERMINED TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. HE
HAD THE COUNT DRAGGED UP TO THE BLOCK AND STRAPPED IN.
"I'LL GIVE YOU ONE LAST CHANCE," SAID THE KING, BUT THE
COUNT SAID NOTHING.
THE KING TOLD THE HEADSMAN TO READY HIS AXE. AS THE AXE
WAS RAISED OVER THE COUNT'S NECK, THE KING SAID: "I'LL
GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE." BUT THE COUNT STILL SAID
NOTHING. THE KING TOLD THE HEADSMAN TO CHOP. AS THE
BLADE WAS COMING DOWN, THE COUNT YELLED: "WAIT!" BUT IT
WAS TOO LATE.
THIS ONLY GOES TO SHOW THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HATCHET YOUR
COUNTS BEFORE THEY CHICKEN.

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Keyword(s): FEAR COWARD

Date learned: 11-02-1970

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