The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

(PUNCH LINE WITH A PUN ON THE WORD, VAMPIRE)

IN THE 1890S GULLIVER'S GULCH HAD AN UNUSUAL FLAVOR FOR AN
EASTERN TOWN. BECAUSE OF ITS BEING A WAY STATION FOR THE
SHIPMENT OF CATTLE, IT HAD AN ALMOST WESTERN FLAVOR ABOUT IT.
ONE NIGHT A MESSAGE BEGAN TO COME IN ON THE TELEGRAPH:
PREPARE, THE VIPER IS COMING, THE VIPER IS.... THEN THE
LINE WENT DEAD. SOME OF THE PEOPLE BEGAN TO PANIC; OTHERS
WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THIS VIPER WAS. THE NEXT NIGHT, A
MESSAGE AGAIN CAME OVER THE WIRE, BUT IT WAS VERY POORLY
TRANSMITTED: BEWARE THE VIPER COMES TONIGHT, BEWARE
. . . . BY THIS TIME THE WHOLE TOWN HAD BEEN THROWN INTO
A PANIC, WITH ALL THE RUMORS AND STORIES OF SUPERNATURAL
CREATURES. HALF THE PEOPLE OF THE TOWN JUST PACKED UP AND
LEFT, THE OTHER HALF LOCKED THEMSELVES IN THEIR HOMES AND
CLOSED THEIR STORES HOURS BEFORE SUNSET.
THERE WAS ONE HOTEL IN THE TOWN AND ALL OF ITS GUESTS BUT
ONE VERY OLD LADY LEFT FOR HEALTHIER PARTS. THIS OLD LADY
WAS A PERMANENT GUEST OF THE HOTEL AND SHE RENTED THE ROOM
BY THE MONTH. HERS WAS THE SEVENTH ROOM ON THE SECOND
FLOOR OF THE SMALL HOTEL. SHE WAS PARTIALLY PARALYZED AND
COULD NOT WALK, AND SHE HAD LOST THE PARTIAL USE OF HER
LEFT ARM IN A RECENT STROKE. WHEN THE CLERK CLOSED THE HOTEL
THAT NIGHT, BEFORE GOING HOME HE TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY,
THAT HE HAD LOCKED BOTH DOORS AND ALL THE WINDOWS AND THAT
HE WOULD BE BACK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. THAT NIGHT THE
WOMAN LAY IN HER BED, WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
THIS NIGHT WHEN THE VIPER COMES, AND BEING VERY GLAD THAT
THE CLERK HAD LOCKED ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS, WHEN SHE
REMEMBERED THAT HE HAD NOT MENTIONED THE MILK CHUTE.
"HE MUST HAVE CERTAINLY LOCKED THE CHUTE," SHE SAID TO
HERSELF. THE REASON SHE WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT THIS MILK
CHUTE WAS THAT IT WAS ABOUT FOUR FEET HIGH AND SEVERAL
FEET WIDE. IT WAS THIS LARGE SO THAT IT COULD EASILY HOLD
THE LARGE CANS OF MILK AND OTHER PRODUCTS THAT WOULD BE
LEFT THERE THAT COMING MORNING. JUST THEN SHE HEARD THE
CHUTE OPENING DOWNSTAIRS, AND THE SOUND OF VERY HEAVY
FOOTPRINTS ECHOING FROM THE KITCHEN. A VOICE CRIED, "I AM
THE VIPER, I AM THE VIPER." SHE COULD HEAR IT WALKING
FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE FRONT DESK, AND AGAIN THE VOICE
SAID, "I AM THE VIPER." HER MIND WAS FILLED WITH ALL THE
STORIES OF VAMPIRES SHE HAD HEARD IN HER YOUTH--OF HOW
THESE CREATURES SOMETIMES SIMPLY CALLED VIPERS SEARCHED
FOR LIVING MEN SO THAT THEY COULD STEAL THEIR LIFE AND
THEIR BLOOD FROM THEIR BODY. SHE REMEMBERED THE MOST
HORRIBLE STORY SHE HAD EVER HEARD--HOW THIS ONE VIPER
CARRIED IN ONE HAND A SMALL SHARP AX TO CHOP OFF THE HEADS
OF HIS VICTIMS AND A BASKET CARRIED IN THE OTHER FOR THE
VICTIM'S HEAD; HOW AFTER CHOPPING OFF THE HEAD IT WOULD
DRINK THE BLOOD FROM THE BODY, AS WE WOULD FROM A BOTTLE,
AND TAKE THE HEAD TO FEED ON THE BRAIN AND THE SKULL AS A
RELIC FOR A SHELF IN HIS DEN. HER THOUGHTS OF THIS
CREATURE WERE SHATTERED WHEN SHE HEARD FROM THE FOOT OF
THE STAIRS A VOICE CRY, "I AM THE VIPER, I AM THE VIPER."
IT HAD STARTED UP THE STAIRS. SHE HEARD IT STOP AT THE
FIRST ROOM, ANNOUNCE ITSELF, AND THEN WALK IN; SHE HEARD
IT WALKING AROUND THE ROOM, SEARCHING AND LOOKING. HER
MIND RUSHED BACK TO HER CHILDHOOD AND SHE COULD ALMOST SEE
THIS HUGE CREATURE WITH ITS AX AND BASKET, STALKING
THROUGH THE NIGHT ON ITS BLOODY MISSION. SHE COULD PICTURE
ITS HUGE MISHAPENED BODY, ITS FACE ALL LINED WITH DEEP BLUE
VEINS WITH A BLUISH HALF-BLOOD-HALF-INFECTION OOZING FROM
ITS FLESH. SHE COULD PICTURE ITS CRUEL EYES STARING AT
THE BLOODY DEED IT HAD JUST COMPLETED WITH THE BLOODY
CLOTHING AND REDDENED MOUTH. THE SOUND OF THE CREATURE
IN THE HALL AGAIN WOKE HER. HE WAS AT THE SECOND DOOR.
"I AM THE VIPER," HE CRIED AND WALKED INTO THE ROOM. THIS
SAME OCCURENCE HAPPENED TIME AND TIME AGAIN TILL IT WAS AT
THE SIXTH DOOR. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT THE WOMAN
RECALLED THAT THE LAMP ON HER DESK WAS STILL DIMLY LIT.
SHE REACHED OVER TO TURN OFF THE LAMP, BUT HER TREMBLING
FINGERS CAUSED THE LAMP TO FALL TO THE FLOOR WITH A CRASH.
SHE FROZE. SHE HEARD THE CREATURE MOVE AWAY FROM THE
SIXTH DOOR TO HER DOOR. SHE COULD FEEL IT WAITING OUTSIDE,
LISTENING. SHE COULD FEEL ITS ANGERED AND BLOODTHIRSTY
SOUL OUTSIDE HER DOOR. SHE KNEW THAT HER DOOR WAS LOCKED
AND THAT IT WAS A HEAVY DOOR. THE STRENGTH OF THIS OLD
DOOR WAS ALL THAT KEPT THE CREATURE FROM HER. SHE THEN
HEARD THE SICKENING JINGLE OF KEYS--THE CREATURE MUST HAVE
FOUND THEM AT THE MAIN DESK. SHE WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD.
THE TREACHEROUS DOOR SLOWLY OPENED AND THE BODY OF A HUGE
MAN WAS SILHOUETTED WITHIN THE ARCH OF THE DOOR. IN ONE
HAND HE HELD, OH MY GOD IT LOOKED LIKE AN AX! AND IN THE
OTHER -- WAS THAT A BASKET? THE CREATURE APPROACHED THE BED
SLOWLY. THE WOMAN WHISPERED A BRIEF PRAYER, FOR SHE HAD
ALREADY DISCOVERED THAT SHE WAS NOW UNABLE TO SCREAM.
THE FIGURE WALKED TO THE SIDE OF THE BED, REACHED WITH
ONE LARGE HAND, GRABBED HER BY THE SHOULDER AND SAID, "I
AM THE VIPER, I CAME TO VIPE YOUR VINDOWS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN