The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

OWL STORY

AN OWL WAS SITTING IN A TREE DURING THE DEAD OF WINTER.
THE OWL WAS FREEZING. HE SAW A CABIN DOWN IN THE
VALLEY WITH SMOKE POURING FROM ITS CHIMNEY. THE OWL
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE SITTING NEXT TO A
NICE WARM FIRE, SO HE FLEW TOWARDS THE CABIN AND WAS
IN SUCH A HURRY THAT HE FLEW RIGHT INTO THE WINDOW
AND KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT. NOW A VETENARY {VETERINARY}
LIVED IN THE CABIN AND HEARD THE OWL HIT THE WINDOW
SO HE WENT OUTSIDE AND FOUND THIS OWL LAYING ON THE
GROUND, SO HE BROUGHT THE OWL INSIDE. WHEN HE GOT
INSIDE, HE BEGAN TO CHECK THE OWL OVER AND FOUND THAT
ITS TONSILS NEEDED TO BE TAKEN OUT, SO HE DID. THEN HE
FOUND THAT THE OWL HAD PILES, SO HE GOT RID OF THOSE.
WHEN THE OWL GOT BETTER, THE VETENARY LET HIM GO. THE
OWL WAS SITTING IN THAT SAME TREE, ONE DAY, WHEN ANOTHER
OWL CAME AND SAT NEXT TO HIM. IT WAS COLD THAT DAY AND
THE OTHER OWL SAID, "SAY, WHY DON'T WE GO DOWN TO THAT
CABIN AND GET WARM BY THE FIRE." THE OWL REPLIED,
"NO THANKS! A VETENARY LIVES IN THAT CABIN." "SO
WHAT?" "I WENT DOWN THERE ONCE AND HE TOOK OUT MY
TONSILS AND GOT RID OF MY PILES. NOW I CAN'T SHIT
WORTH A HOOT OR HOOT WORTH A SHIT."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; Mount Clemens

Date learned: 11-08-1968

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THE REMEDY

THERE WAS THIS MISSIONARY DOCTOR WORKING WITH A BUNCH OF
SAVAGES IN AFRICA. THE NATIVES WERE VERY SUPERSTITIOUS AND
BELIEVED IN VOODOO MEDICINE. BECAUSE OF THIS, WHENEVER THE
DOCTOR GAVE OUT MEDICINE HE HAD TO MAKE THE NATIVES THINK IT WAS
VOODOO. ONE DAY, A MAN CAME IN WITH A RARE MALADY AND THE
DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A DRUG. BUT, IN ORDER TO GET THE MAN TO TAKE
ITHE COATED A THONG WITH IT. THE MAN WAS TOLD TO TAKE ONE BITE
OF THE THONG PER DAY. TWO WEEKS LATER, THE MAN CAME BACK TO THE
DOCTOR AND SAID "THE THONG IS ENDED, BUT THE MALADY LINGERS ON."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 03-00-1967

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THE RARIE

ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO LIVED ALL ALONE, AND HE
VERY OFTEN FELT PRETTY LONESOME. MANY FRIENDS OF HIS HAD
SUGGESTED THAT HE GO OUT AND BUY HIMSELF A PET TO KEEP
HIM COMPANY, BUT HE JUST DIDN'T CARE FOR PETS AS A RULE--
UNLESS IT WAS THE ONLY KIND OF ITS SPECIE IN THE WORLD.
THIS MAN USED TO MAKE WEEKLY ROUNDS TO ALL THE PET SHOPS
IN HIS CITY TO SEE IF THEY HAD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH A
PET WHICH WOULD REALLY TICKLE HIS FANCY, BUT HE NEVER
FOUND ONE THAT WAS QUITE RIGHT. HE LOOKED AT YELLOW-AND-
RED ELEPHANTS, PURPLE POLAR BEARS, ORANGE AARDVARKS, AND
EQUALLY STRANGE ANIMALS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT
HE STILL FELT HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED WITH THESE.
AFTER ALL, EVERYONE IN HIS CITY HAD AT LEAST ONE ORANGE
AARDVARK.
THIS FELLA HAD JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP ALL HOPE OF FINDING
WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR, WHEN ONE DAY HE HAPPENED TO
WANDER INTO A LITTLE PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED
THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE LUMP OF FUR HE HAD EVER SEEN.
HE KNEW AT THAT INSTANT IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD BEEN
LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE. HE ASKED THE PROPRIETOR ABOUT
THIS LITTLE ANIMAL, AND WAS TOLD IT WAS A "RARIE," THE
ONLY ONE OF ITS KIND IN EXISTENCE. THE MAN JUST COULDN'T
RESIST, AND HE BOUGHT IT RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT, AND
WALKED HOME WITH IT IN A LITTLE CAGE, HAPPIER THAN HE
HAD EVER BEEN IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, SIR, THIS HERE FELLA REALLY LOVED HIS NEW PET. HE
DIDN'T MIND AT ALL HAVING TO WALK 37 MILES EACH WEEK IN
ORDER TO BUY THE LITTLE FELLA FOOD! AFTER ALL, RARIE-
FOOD ISN'T TOO EASY TO COME BY THESE DAYS--ESPECIALLY
IN THE OFF-SEASON. HE BECAME SO ATTACHED TO IT, YOU
WOULD THINK IT WAS HIS CHILD. HE FED IT, BATHED IT, AND
EXERCISED IT DAILY, AS HE PROUDLY WATCHED IT GROW, AND
GROW, AND GROW, AND GROW. THIS SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY
REAL PROBLEM WITH HAVING A PET SUCH AS THIS. WHEN WELL
CARED FOR, RARIES GROW TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE! AFTER ABOUT A
MONTH, THE MAN FOUND IT NECESSARY TO MOVE OUT OF HIS
APARTMENT AND BUY A SMALL HOUSE SO THAT HIS PET WOULD
HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC (RARIES NEED LOTS OF ROOM
TO ROMP AND FROLIC AND THEY GET CLAUSTROPHOBIA VERY
EASILY). SURE ENOUGH, A COUPLE MONTHS LATER THE MAN
HAD TO MOVE OUT OF HIS LITTLE HOUSE AND INTO A BIG
HOUSE, JUST SO HIS PET COULD ROMP AND FROLIC TO ITS HEART'S
DESIRE. OF COURSE, THE MAN DIDN'T MIND HAVING TO MAKE
THE MOVE--HE LOVED THAT PET LIKE A CHILD. BUT IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE THE MAN REALIZED THAT EVEN HIS NICE, BIG HOUSE
STILL WASN'T BIG ENOUGH, AND SO HE BOUGHT A SMALL RANCH,
JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC, WITH
ALWAYS THE HOPE IN MIND THAT HIS RARIE WOULD SOON BECOME
FULL GROWN AND WOULDN'T REQUIRE MORE ROOM THAN HE ALREADY
HAD.
THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT QUITE THE CASE. NO SOONER THAN
THEY HAD FINALLY SETTLED ON THEIR NICE, LITTLE RANCH, THE
MAN REALIZED THAT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS HIS RARIE WOULD NEED
MORE ROOM YET, JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE THE ROOM TO ROMP
AND FROLIC.
THE MAN WAS GETTING DESPERATE. HE HAD VISIONS OF HIS
WONDERFUL LITTLE PET BECOMING ALTOGETHER TOO BIG TO
MAINTAIN. AS A LAST RESORT, HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE
BIGGEST RANCH HE COULD FIND, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS THE
LAST MOVE HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS PET.
SURE, HE LOVED THE ANIMAL AND HAD GROWN VERY ATTACHED TO
IT, BUT HE KNEW THERE WAS A LIMIT.
AFTER THE MAN AND HIS RARIE HAD LIVED ON THE BIG RANCH
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, DURING WHICH HIS LITTLE COMPANION
CONTINUED GROWING AT A FANTASTIC RATE, HE KNEW THEY WOULD
HAVE TO PART, AS MUCH AS IT HURT BOTH OF THEM. ONE WINTER
EVENING THE MAN PRETENDED HE WAS GOING TO TAKE HIS PET
FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS, AND WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE, THE
MAN STARTED WALKING WITH THE RARIE FOLLOWING ON A LEASH.
THEY WALKED QUIETLY UNTIL ALMOST DAYBREAK, AND THE MAN THEN
TIED THE LEASH TO A LARGE TREE, BID THE RARIE A SAD
FAREWELL, AND QUICKLY WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE BEFORE HE
HAD A LAST MINUTE CHANGE OF HEART.
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT BACK TO HIS HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE SAW SITTING ALONGSIDE (AND TOWERING OVER) HIS HOUSE?
WHY, IF IT WASN'T HIS ONE AND ONLY PET RARIE, JUST AS
HAPPY AND PLAYFUL AS COULD BE, WAITING PATIENTLY FOR ITS
MASTER TO RETURN AND FEED IT. THE MAN COULDN'T BELIEVE
HIS EYES! HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE IT AGAIN. AT THIS
MOMENT, THE MAN DECIDED TO AT LEAST KEEP THE RARIE UNTIL
THE SPRING, BUT WHEN THE FIRST THAW COMES, HE WOULD ONCE
AGAIN HAVE TO GET RID OF HIS WONDERFUL PET.
AFTER A LONG, COLD, CRAMPED WINTER, THE FIRST THAW SET IN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE MAN SET OUT TO DISPOSE OF HIS PET,
WHICH, BY NOW, HAD EVEN OUTGROWN THE BIG RANCH. THERE
WAS NO WAY OUT, SO THE MAN GOT A LARGE TRUCK, AND PUT THE
RARIE INTO IT AND DROVE TO A VERY HIGH CLIFF NOT FAR FROM
HIS RANCH. HE BACKED THE DUMPTRUCK TO THE EDGE OF THE
CLIFF AND ACTIVATED THE MECHANISM CAUSING THE RARIE TO
START TO SLIDE OUT AND OVER THE EDGE. THE RARIE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING WHEN IT LOOKED OUT AND SAW NOTHING
BELOW IT FOR HUNDREDS OF FEET. WITH A VERY INQUISITIVE
LOOK ON ITS FACE, IT TURNED AROUND TO THE MAN. "HEY!"
IT EXCLAIMED, "IT"S A LONG WAY TO TIP A RARIE!'

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): SONG: IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY

Date learned: 00-00-1965

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( PUNCH LINE FROM A SONG)

THERE ONCE WAS A FAMOUS SKIN DIVER NAMED OSEE WHO WAS
ASKED TO TEST A NEW UNDERWATER FLASHLIGHT, INVENTED BY
A PROFESSOR DAWNSEARLY. TO CONDUCT THE TEST, THE
SKINDIVER, THE PROFESSOR AND SOME PROFESSIONAL TEST
CONDUCTORS TOOK A SHIP TO THE NEAREST MURKY WATERS.
OSEE SUBMERGED IN A DIVING SUIT EQUIPPED WITH AN
INTERCOM. HE TOLD THE MAN ON BOARD THAT HE WAS TURNING
ON THE FLASHLIGHT. THEN, THROUGH THE INTERCOM THEY
ASKED THE FATAL QUESTION: "OSEE, CAN YOU SEE BY THE
DAWNSEARLY LIGHT?"

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Keyword(s): NATIONAL ANTHEM

Date learned: 11-02-1970

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WINDOW IN THE DOGGIE JOKE

THERE WAS AN ECCENTRIC OLD LADY WHO HAD A LITTLE DOG
THAT SHE LOVED VERY MUCH AND JUST DOTED ON. THE DOG WAS
GETTING OLD AND HADN'T BEEN FELLING WELL, SO THE LADY TOOK
IT TO THE VET. THE DOCTOR TOLD HER THAT THE DOG HAD A
WEAK HEART AND WOULDN'T BE AROUND MUCH LONGER. HE SAID
HE JUST HAD A DOG WHO DIED AND SUGGESTED A HEART TRANSPLANT.
THE LADY CONSENTED AND THE DOCTOR WAS REALLY EXCITED
BECAUSE THIS WAS A FIRST--A HEART TRANSPLANT IN A DOG. THE
LADY WAS WATCHING THE DELICATE OPERATION AND THE SKILLFUL
DOCTOR ASKED THAT SINCE HE WAS ALREADY OPERATING, COULD
HE PUT A WINDOW IN THE DOG SO THEY COULD WATCH THE NEW
HEART WORK. THE LADY BEGAN TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY, BUT
CONSENTED ANYWAY.
FINALLY SHE GOT SO WORRIED ABOUT THE COST OF THE OPERATION
AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE {HAD} BETTER INQUIRE
ABOUT IT. SHE ASKED THE DOCTOR, "HOW MUCH IS THAT WINDOW
IN THE DOGGIE?"

Where learned: INDIANA ; University of Notre Dame

Keyword(s): SONG: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW.

James Callow Keyword(s): HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?

Date learned: 03-28-1971

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STRAWBERRY

BACK IN THE DAYS OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE, WHEN A BOY WAS
APPROACHING MANHOOD, HE'D HAVE TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD
AND DO A MANLY DEED. THE DEEDS INCLUDED THINGS LIKE
KILLING A LION OR SLAYING A GIANT, BUT EACH YOUNG MAN
WOULD HAVE TO PERFORM SOMETHING UNIQUE. THIS IS THE
STORY OF ONE SUCH LAD.
WHEN HIS TIME CAME, HE WENT OUT INTO THE WOODS TO DO HIS
MANLY DEED. CONFUSED, HE SEARCHED FOR WEEKS UNTIL ONE DAY
HE FOUND IT--A STRAWBERRY. BUT THIS WAS NO ORDINARY
STRAWBERRY. THIS ONE WAS TEN FEET HIGH AND MEASURED
FOURTEEN FEET IN CIRCUMFERENCE. HE SAID TO HIMSELF,
"SURELY, THIS MUST BE IT."
SPENDING TWO MORE WEEKS IN THE WOODS, OUR HERO BUILT A
CART FOR HIS STRAWBERRY. WHEN HE ARRIVED BACK IN ROME
WITH IT, THE PEOPLE CAME RUNNING OUT INTO THE STREETS TO
SEE IT. IN FACT, THEY WERE SO AWED BY THE GIANT STRAW-
BERRY, THAT THEY CONSTRUCTED A TEMPLE AROUND IT AND
MADE THE YOUNG MAN THE "KEEPER OF THE BERRY."
AS THE WORLD BEGAN TO HEAR ABOUT THIS STRAWBERRY, PEOPLE
WOULD MAKE PILGRIMAGES TO ROME IN ORDER TO SEE THIS
MAGNIFICENT SIGHT. WELL, ONE NIGHT THERE WAS A KNOCK
ON THE DOOR. THE YOUNG MAN SAID, "WE'RE CLOSED, COME
BACK TOMORROW." BUT THE KNOCK PERSISTED. FINALLY,
OUT OF ANNOYANCE, HE OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW THREE SHADY
LOOKING CHARACTERS DRESSED IN BLACK TOGAS AND CARRYING
VIOLIN CASES. ONE OF THEM SAID, "WE WANT TO SEE THE
STRAWBERRY." THE YOUNG MAN TOLD THEM THAT HE WAS SORRY
BUT THEY COULDN'T SEE THE STRAWBERRY UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.
WITH THAT THE LEADER OF THE GROUP, GRABBED OUR HERO AND
SAID, "LOOK KID, WE HAVE COME TO SEIZE YOUR BERRY, NOT
TO PRAISE IT!"

Submitter comment: I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE INFORMANT. HE WAS ENTERTAINING
A GROUP AT A PARTY WHEN I HEARD THIS.

Where learned: NOT GIVEN

Keyword(s): SHAKESPEARE: WE'VE COME TO BURY CEASER, NOT TO PRAISE HIM.

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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PROVERB

THE TRIDS OF TRIDVILLE WERE CONSTANTLY BEING PLAGUED
BY A MEAN OGRE WHO KICKED THEM VICIOUSLY. ONE DAY,
A RABBI CAME TO THE OGRE AND SAID, "OGRE, PLEASE DON'T
KICK THE TRIDS ANYMORE, KICK ME." THE OGRE REPLIED,
"SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PARODY OF TELEVISION COMMERCIAL FOR KIX CEREAL ADVERTISE-

Date learned: 10-00-1971

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(STORY WITH A PUN ON AN ADVERTIZING SLOGAN)

THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT WAS GETTING ALL THE ROYALTIES FOR
HIS COMMERCIALS AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE, CALLED TRIDS,
WEREN'T GETTING ANYTHING FOR THEIR PART IN THE COMMER-
CIALS. THIS MADE THE TRIDS VERY ANGRY AND SO THEY
DECIDED TO GET RID OF THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT. SO, 150
TRIDS CLIMBED UP HIS LEG AND TRIED TO PULL HIM OVER A
CLIFF, BUT THE GIANT JUST KICKED THEM OFF HIS LEG.
SO, 1500 TRIDS CLIMBED UP HIS LEG, BUT THE GIANT ONLY
KICKED THEM OFF, TOO. FINALLY, 15,000,000,000 TRIDS
AND ONE RABBI CLIMBED UP THE GIANT'S LEG, BUT HE KICKED
ALL THE TRIDS OFF HIS LEG, BUT LET THE RABBI STAY.
WHEN THE RABBI ASKED WHY HE WAS SAVED, THE JOLLY GREEN
GIANT ANSWERED, "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS."

Data entry tech comment: SEE B667.1-120 FOR FURTHER EXPLANATION.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; ARRIVING ; NEW BALTIMORE

Keyword(s): SILLY RABBIT, KIX ARE FOR KIDS.

Date learned: 10-30-1969

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YELLOW FINGER

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A CASTLE THAT WAS GUARDED BY
A HUGE YELLOW FINGER, WHO WOULDN'T LET ANYONE PASS
THE KING FROM A RIVALING CASTLE SENT ONE OF HIS BRAVEST
KNIGHTS TO GET BY THE FINGER, BUT THE FINGER KILLED HIM.
SO THE KING SENT A DUKE, BUT HE, TOO, WAS KILLED. THEN
THE KING SENT ONE OF HIS PAGES. HE JUST WALKED RIGHT
THROUGH.
MORAL: LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW
FINGER.

Submitter comment: IT SEEMS TO ME THERE WAS SLIGHTLY MORE BUILD-UP ON THIS
STORY, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER IT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PUN ON TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT: LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE

Date learned: 11-18-1968

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YELLOW FINGERS

ONCE THERE WAS A KING WHO WANTED TO GET A MESSAGE THROUGH
TO A NEIGHBORING KINGDOM. BUT IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH,
THE MESSANGER WOULD HAVE TO PASS THE MONSTROUS YELLOW
FINGERS. FIRST A KNIGHT WAS SENT, BUT THE YELLOW FINGERS
PINCHED HIM TO DEATH. THEN A SQUIRE TRIED, BUT MET WITH
THE SAME FATE. FINALLY, A PAGE WAS SENT AND MADE IT
THROUGH.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING
THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PUN ON COMMERCIAL FOR THE BELL TELEPHONE CO., WHICH SAYS,

Date learned: 10-15-1969

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(MILT FAMEY)

A BASEBALL PITCHER, SECOND STRING, NAMED MILT FAMEY, SAT ON
THE BENCH EVERY GAME WHILE THE STAR PITCHER BROUGHT THE
TEAM TO THE PENANT WINNING GAME. BEFORE THE PENANT GAME,
THE STAR PITCHER PITCHED EVERY GAME, THE FANS HAD A
GREAT TIME, AND MILT FAMEY SAT, BORED. HE WONDERED WHAT
MADE ALL THE FANS SO HAPPY AND SAW BEER IN EVERYONE'S
HANDS. FROM THAT TIME ON, MILT BROUGHT A CASE OF BEER
TO EVERY GAME, AND WHILE HE DRANK, HE WATCHED THE GAME,
AND THREW THE EMPTY BOTTLED OUT NEAR THIRD BASE.
BY THE NINTH INNING OF THE PENANT DECIDING GAME, MILT
WAS PRETTY DRUNK. AT THE BEGINNING OF THAT NINTH
INNING, THE STAR PITCHER GOT HIT BY THE PITCH {BALL}
AND COULDN'T PITCH. SO MILT CAME IN WITH A ONE TO
NOTHING LEAD AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS THROW THREE OUTS.
MILT THREW ONE BALL. THEN HE THREW ANOTHER BALL...
AND ANOTHER. FINALLY, BASES WERE LOADED. {AND
SO WAS MILT}. MILT THEN WALKED IN THE WINNING RUN.
AS THE PLAYER ON THIRD RAN TOWARDS HOME PLATE, HE
POINTED TO THE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES AND SAID: "THAT'S THE
BEER THAT MADE MILT FAMEY WALK US."

Submitter comment: INFORMANT THOUGHT JOKE WAS FUNNY.

Data entry tech comment: COMMERCIAL: THE BEER THAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS--

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Date learned: 11-03-1971

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THE BALLAD OF MILL FAMIE

THERE WAS ONCE A BASEBALL PITCHER BY THE NAME OF MILL
FAMIE. THIS PITCHER WAS ONE OF THE BEST PITCHERS
OF HIS TIME AND HE WAS WELL-KNOWN BY MOST BASEBALL
FANS.
ONE YEAR HIS TEAM WON THEIR LEAGUE'S PENNANT AND WENT
FOR THE PLAYOFF IN THE WORLD SERIES, THANKS LARGELY TO
THE FANTASTIC PITCHING OF MILL FAMIE.
JUST BEFORE THE FIRST GAME OF THE SERIES, MILL'S
TEAMMATES WANTED TO SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION OF HIS
EXCELLENT PERFORMANCE, SO THEY DECIDED TO THROW A PARTY
IN MILL'S HONOR THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME.
WELL, THIS TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE A PARTY. NOT ONLY
WAS THERE THE USUAL DANCING AND SINGING AND FUN-MAKING,
WHICH ACCOMPANIES ALL GOOD PARTIES, THERE WAS ALSO
(AND QUITE AGAINST THE RULES OF TRAINING) A LARGE AMOUNT
OF BEER FLOWING FREELY. NOW, ORDINARILY, MILL FAMIE
NEVER DRANK, EVEN AT PARTIES, BUT SINCE THIS PARTY WAS
ESPECIALLY FOR HIM, HE WAS FINALLY PERSUADED INTO HAVING
A FEW. THIS INITIAL FEW TURNED INTO MANY, AND IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE MILL WAS SO DRUNK HE COULD BARELY STAND.
THE NEXT DAY, TO THE SURPRIZE OF MANY, MILL FELT GREAT
AND SEEMED AS READY AS EVER TO START THE GAME. THE BIG
GAME BEGAN, WITH MILL PITCHING, OF COURSE, AND THINGS
DIDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD. IN THE FIRST INNING HE WALKED SIX
MEN, THE SECOND INNING, FOUR MORE MEN WERE GIVEN A BASE
ON BALLS. BY THE TIME THE THIRD INNING WAS OVER AND MILL
HAD FIVE MORE WALKS ACCREDITED TO HIM, THE MANAGER FINALLY
HAD TO TAKE THE MOST EXTREME ACTION IMAGINABLE AND REMOVE
MILL FROM THE GAME.
AFTER THE GAME, THE OPPOSING TEAM WAS WONDERING JUST WHAT
HAD HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILL FAMIE THAT HE SHOULD WALK
SO MANY OF THEM, SO THEY SENT ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS TO FIND
OUT. SHORTLY, THIS PLAYER CAME BACK AND TOLD THE TEAM
ABOUT THE PARTY MILL HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE.
"REALLY, IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM," SAID
THE PLAYER.
"IT'S THE BEER THAT MADE MILL FAMIE WALK US!"

Data entry tech comment: COMMERCIAL: THE BEER THAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS.

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1965

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(THE STORY OF THE MAMA HORSEFLY, THE PAPA HORSEFLY,

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAMA HORSEFLY, A PAPA HORSE-
FLY, AND A LITTLE BABY HORSEFLY. IT WAS NEARING SUPPERTIME,
AND THE FAMILY WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. AT THAT
MOMENT, THEY SPOTTED A FARM WITH HUNDREDS OF COWS IN THE
FIELD. THEY IMMEDIATELY FLEW INTO THE BRN, AND, BEHOLD!
IT WAS FILLED WITH TONS OF COW MANURE. THE HORSEFLIES
IMMEDIATELY STARTED EATING, AND THEY ATE AND ATE AND ATE
UNTIL THEY WERE SO FULL, THEY COULD NOT FLY AWAY. THEY HAD
TO GET OUT OF THE BARN BEFORE THE COWS CAME BACK, SO THE PAPA
HORSEFLY, SEEING A PITCHFORK STUCK INTO THE MAURE, SAID HE
WOULD CLIMB UP THE HANDLE AND TRY TO FLY AWAY FOR HELP.
HE CLIMBED UP THE HANDLE AND TRIED TO FLY AWAY, BUT HE WAS
SO HEAVY FROM EATING ALL THE COW MANURE, HE FELL DOWN AND
BROKE HIS NECK. THE MAMA HORSEFLY, WANTING TO SAVE HER
BABY, TRIED NEXT. BUT AFTER CLIMBING THE HANDLE AND TRYING
TO FLY AWAY, ALSO FELL DOWN AND BROKE HER NECK. THERE WAS
NOTHING FOR THE BABY HORSEFLY TO DO BUT TRY TO MAKE THE
ATTEMPT HIMSELF. BUT LIKE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER, HE WAS
SO FULL OF MANURE, HE FELL OFF THE HANDLE OF THE PITCH-
FORK AND BROKE HIS NECK.

(PAUSE)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS?
PAUSE DON'T FLY OFF THE HANDLE WHEN YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

Where learned: PENNSYLVANIA ; PITTSBURGH

Date learned: 10-02-1971

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DOG TALE (WITH A MORAL)

A DOG WAS CROSSING A RAILROAD TRACK. A TRAIN CAME BY
AND CUT OFF A PIECE OF HIS TAIL. HE TURNED AROUND TO
FIND THE PIECE OF TAIL AND THE TRAIN CUT HIS HEAD OFF.
MORAL: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF TAIL.

Data entry tech comment: THIS QUAINT EXPRESSION--PIECE OF TAIL--REFERS TO SEXUAL

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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STORY WITH A MORAL

A MOUSE WALKED ACROSS A RAILROAD TRACK AND A TRAIN CAME;
IT RAN OVER HIS TAIL AND CUT IT OFF. THE MOUSE WENT
BACK TO GET HIS TAIL AND THE TRAIN CUT HIS HEAD OFF.
MORAL: NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS.

Submitter comment: INFORMANT'S FATHER TOLD HIM THIS WHEN HE WAS ADVISING
HIS SON AGAINST MARRIAGE. STORY TOLD IN NEWFOUNDLAND.

Data entry tech comment: INFORMANT SEEMS TO HAVE HIS STORY MIXED UP A BIT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 11-00-1971

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SHAGGY DOG STORY (WITH A MORAL)

THE BRAIN SAID HE WAS BOSS SINCE HE DID THE THINKING. HANDS
SAID THEY WERE THE BOSS, SINCE THEY DID THE WORK. THE
FEET SAID THEY WERE BOSS, SINCE THEY SUPPLIED MOBILITY.
THEN THE ASSHOLE SAID HE WANTED TO BE BOSS AND EVERYONE
LAUGHED. SO, HE CLAMPED UP AND CEASED TO FUNCTION, SINCE
NO ONE WANTED TO RECOGNIZE HIM. AFTER A WHILE, EVERYONE
WAS SCREAMING FOR RELIEF AND RECOGNIZED THE ASSHOLE AS BOSS.
THE MORAL IS: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE THE BOSS--
JUST AN ASSHOLE.

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Date learned: 11-08-1971

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(SHAGGY DOG STORY WITH A MORAL)

A SLEEPING SWALLOW, WHICH WAS SICK, FELL INTO A HAYSTACK
IN A BARNYARD. A COW CAME ALONG AND MANUERED ON IT {FROM
MANURE} KEEPING IT WARM AND GIVING IT LIFE. IT BECAME SO
HAPPY, IT STARTED TO SING. A CAT HEARD IT, CAME IN, FOUND
IT AND ATE IT.
MORAL: PEOPLE WHO SHIT ON YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS YOUR ENEMIES;
PEOPLE WHO TAKE SHIT OFF YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS YOUR FRIENDS.

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT ; LOGIC CLASS

Date learned: 03-17-1971

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THE BLOODY FINGER

ONE NIGHT A WOMAN WAS HOME ALL ALONE AND THE PHONE RANG.
SHE ANSWERED IT, AND A STRANGE VOICE SAID, "I'M THE
BLOODY FINGER AND I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M 3 MILES
AWAY." THE WOMAN WAS VERY FRIGHTENED, BUT NO ONE
BELIEVED HER. THE NEXT NIGHT HE CALLED AGAIN AND SAID,
"I'M THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE.
I'M TWO MILES AWAY." THE THIRD NIGHT HE CALLED AGAIN
AND SAID, "I'M THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M COMING TO YOUR
HOUSE. I'M ONE MILE AWAY. I'LL BE THERE TOMORROW."
THE NEXT MORNING THE WOMAN HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
AND SHE OPENED IT. THERE STOOD A MAN WHO SAID, "I'VE A
BLOODY FINGER. DO YOU HAVE A BANDAGE?"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 11-10-1969

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THE PURPLE GORILLA

A MAN LIVES ON THE 30TH FLOOR OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING.
WHEN HE MOVED IN HE WAS TOLD THAT HE COULDN'T GO DOWN
INTO THE BASEMENT. AND, BEING THE CURIOUS FELLOW THAT
HE WAS, HE JUST HAD TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS IN THE BASE-
MENT. SO HE PLANNED AND SCHEMED ON HOW TO GET TO THE
BASEMENT WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT. AND ONE MORNING HE
DECIDED HE WOULD GO TO THE BASEMENT, SO HE DID. WHEN HE
GOT TO THE BASEMENT, IT WAS VERY DARK AND HE HAD MUCH
DIFFICULTY SEEING AROUND. AFTER LOOKING AROUND THE
BASEMENT, HE FOUND A CAGE IN THE CORNER. WHEN HE LOOKED
IN THE CAGE, HE SAW A PURPLE GORILLA. HE REACHED INTO
THE CAGE TO TOUCH THE GORILLA. AS SOON AS HE TOUCHED
THE GORILLA, THE ANIMAL JUMPED UP AND DOWN WITH RAGE
AND BROKE OUT OF HIS CAGE. HE CHASED THE MAN AROUND THE
ROOM. THE MAN RAN UP TO THE FIRST FLOOR. THE GORILLA
CHASED THE MAN AROUND THE FIRST FLOOR, SO THE MAN RAN UP
TO THE SECOND FLOOR (...ON UP TO THIRTY). THE GORILLA
CHASED THE MAN AROUND THE THIRTIETH FLOOR, THEN THE MAN
RAN BACK DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. THE STAIRWAY FELL DOWN
SO HE COULDN'T GET BACK UP. THE GORILLA CORNERED THE
THE MAN AND CHARGED AT HIM. HE TOUCHED THE MAN AND SAID
"YOU'RE IT!"

Where learned: HOME ; TOLD AT

Date learned: 11-18-1970

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(TAG YOU'RE IT)

LONG AGO AN OLD INDIAN CHIEF NAMED CRAZY HORSE HAD
SIX SONS, AND ALL BUT THE YOUNGEST HAD BECOME CHIEFS.
THE OLD MAN FELT THAT NOW WAS THE TIME FOR HIS
YOUNGEST SON TO BECOME A CHIEFTAN. HE HAD TO CHOOSE
A QUEST FOR HIS SON TO PROVE HIMSELF WORTHY OF BEING
MADE A CHIEF. THE MORE DANGEROUS THE QUEST, THE MORE
GLORY FOR BOTH THE SON AND THE OLD MAN. SINCE THIS WAS
HIS FAVORITE SON, THE OLD CHIEF THOUGHT OF THE MOST
DANGEROUS MISSION HE COULD FOR HIM. "GO AND FIND THE
SLEEPING MONSTER AND BRING BACK PROOF THAT YOU HAVE
SEEN IT." NOW RUNNING DEER, THE CHIEF'S SON TO WHOM
THIS QUEST WAS ASSIGNED WAS A LITTLE WORRIED, FOR THE
DOZEN PREVIOUS MEN SENT OUT TO FIND THE SLEEPING
MONSTER HAD NEVER COME BACK. BUT HE ACCEPTED HIS
FATHER'S WILL AND WENT OFF AFTER THE BEAST.
HIS JOURNEY TOOK HIM INTO THE SACRED BLACK HILLS,
AND AFTER THE SECOND DAY OF TRAVELLING IN THIS MYSTERIOUS
LAND, HE HEARD THE SOUND OF SNORING, THE SLEEPING
MONSTER. FOR FIVE DAYS HE FOLLOWED THE SOUND OF THE
SNORING, TILL NOW IT SOUNDED LIKE THUNDER. HIS
JOURNEY TOOK HIM TO THE BASE OF A HIGH CLIFF-LIKE
MOUNTAIN. HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN. THE TRIP WAS
DIFFICULT, FOR HE HAD TO FOLLOW NARROW PATHS, CLIMB
SHEER CLIFFS AND WAS OFTEN FORCED TO USE HIS ROPE
TO PULL HIMSELF UP BODILY.
AT THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN HE FOUND A SMALL HOLE JUST BIG
ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CRAWL THROUGH. THE SOUND COMING FROM
THE HOLE WAS DEAFENING. HE ENTERED THE CAVE AND FOUND
THAT HE HAD TO CONTINUE CRAWLING ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES
FOR ABOUT SIXTY FEET, WHERE THE TUNNEL SUDDENLY WIDENED
AND HE WAS ABLE TO STAND UP. HE WALKED FOR ABOUT A HALF
HOUR WHEN HE CAME UPON A LAKE, OR RATHER A LARGE POND IN
THE CENTER OF THE MOUNTAIN. HE COULD JUDGE THE SIZE AND
DEPTH OF THE LAKE WELL, BECAUSE THE MOUNTAIN HE WAS IN
WAS ONCE A VOLCANO AND A LARGE HOLE IN THE CEILING
LIGHTED THE WHOLE OF THIS CHAMBER. THE LAKE WAS ABOUT
SIXTY FEET WIDE AND ABOUT TEN FEET DEEP. ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE LAKE WAS A HUGE DOORWAY, 10 FEET HIGH AND
EIGHT FEET WIDE. RUNNING DEER DIVED INTO THE LAKE AND
SWAM ACROSS. HE SLOWLY OPENED THE DOOR AND THERE HE SAW
--WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING ANYWAY? THERE SLEEPING
IN FRONT OF HIM WAS THIS HUGE ELEPHANT-LIKE CREATURE. IT HAD
A LARGE TRUNK, WEBBED FEET, AND WAS COVERED WITH SCALES.
RUNNING DEER SAID, "WELL I SAW IT, SO GOOD-BYE," THEN HE
REALIZED THAT NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE WHAT HE SAW. HE NEEDED
PROOF. HE DECIDED TO CUT OFF ONE OF THE LARGE GREEN
SCALES AND HOPES THAT HE DOES NOT CUT A NERVE AND AWAKEN
THE MONSTER. HE TOOK OUT HIS KNIFE AND BEGAN CUTTING THE
SCALE. HE HAD ONLY ANOTHER FRACTION OF AN INCH TO GO,
WHEN THE CREATURE SCREAMED IN PAIN. HE HAD CUT A NERVE.
HE PULLED OFF THE SCALE, RAN OUT OF THE DOOR, AND SWAM
ACROSS THE LAKE. HE FIGURED THAT A CREATURE AS LARGE AS
THAT COULD NOT SWIM WELL AND THAT NOW HE WAS SAFE. THE
CREATURE BURST THROUGH THE DOOR AND RAN TO THE EDGE OF THE
POND. THE BOY LAUGHED AT HOW HE OUT-SMARTED THE CREATURE,
WHEN SUDDENLY IT BEGAN TO SPRAY THE WATER FROM THE LAKE OUT
THROUGH THE HOLD IN THE ROOF AT A FANTASTIC RATE. THE
WATER LEVEL DROPPED A FOOT EACH TIME HE SPRAYED. IT USED
ITS TRUNK LIKE A SUPER ELEPHANT'S NOSE. THE BOY WAS NO
LONGER LAUGHING. HE RAN THROUGH THE TUNNEL. HE ARRIVED
AT THE SPOT WHERE HE HAD TO CRAWL AND FINALLY BEGAN TO
BREATHE EASIER. A CREATURE LIKE THAT COULD NEVER FIT
THROUGH THE HOLE OR THIS PART OF THE RUNNEL. IT WAS TOO
NARROW FOR IT. BUT THE CREATURE WAS ALSO PART MOLE AND
SOON IT WAS BURROWING RIGHT BEHIND THE BOY. THE BOY
BEGAN TO CLIMB DOWN THE CLIFF; HE FELT THAT THE CREATURE
COULD NEVER MANAGE THE NARROW PATHS. ABOVE HIM THE
MONSTER BEGAN TO FOLLOW HIM, FOR IT WAS ALSO PART MOUNTAIN
GOAT. THE BOY REACHED THE BOTTOM OF THE CLIFF ONLY TO
DISCOVER THAT HIS HORSE WAS MISSING. HE WOULD HAVE TO
OUT-RUN THE BEAST. HE RAN AND RAN; BEHIND HIM HE COULD
HEAR THE CREATURE GAINING WITH EVERY STEP. EVEN THOUGH
THE BOY WAS FASTER THAN THE CREATURE, HE COULD NOT OUT-
DISTANCE THE MONSTER FOR IT WAS NOT PART, BUT ALL, ENDURANCE.
FINALLY, AFTER MILES OF RUNNING, THE BOY COLLAPSED. HE FELL
TO THE GROUND AND SAW THE CREATURE COMING ONLY YARDS AWAY.
HE PRAYED TO THE GREAT SPIRIT TO PREPARE A TEEPEE IN THE
HAPPY HUNTING GROUND FOR IT WAS ABOUT TO RECEIVE A NEW
TENANT. FINALLY DONE PRAYING, HE CLOSED HIS EYES. THE
CREATURE REACHED OUT AND SAID "TAG, NOW YOU'RE IT."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; CAMP OHIYESA ; ESCANABA

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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