The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

(PUNCH LINE WITH A PUN ON THE WORD COFFIN)

GULLIVER'S GULCH WAS A SMALL TOWN LOCATED ON THE ATLANTIC
COAST. IT WAS A SMALL TOWN, AND IN THE YEAR 1760 (WHEN THE
STORY TAKES PLACE) WAS COMPOSED OF ONLY A DOZEN OLD HOMES,
SEVERAL TAVERNS, A FEW STORES AND THE OUTLYING FARMS.
THERE WERE ONLY TWO BOYS IN THE TOWN WHO WERE THE SAME
AGE. THEIR NAMES WERE FRANK AND JAMES. THE TWO BOYS WERE
THE BEST OF FRIENDS. ONE DAY THEY AGREED TO HIKE TO THE
DESERTED HUNTING LODGE OF FRANK'S GRANDFATHER. THERE WERE
MANY STORIES AND LEGENDS TOLD OF THIS LODGE. STORIES OF
MURDERS, DISAPPEARING BODIES, VAMPIRES AND WITCHES WERE
CONNECTED WITH THE LODGE. BUT THESE STORIES WERE DIS-
REGARDED BY THE BOYS FOR AFTER ALL THIS WAS THE YEAR 1760,
AND NO MODERN AND EDUCATED MAN WOULD BELIEVE IN SUCH
NONSENSE, WOULD HE? BESIDES, ONLY ONE BODY WAS NEVER
FOUND -- THAT OF A VERY OLD WOMAN WHO JUST DISAPPEARED
ONE NIGHT AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN. IT WAS AFTER HER
DISAPPEARANCE THAT A HALF DOZEN PEOPLE WERE KILLED, BUT
THEIR BODIES WERE ALL FOUND WITH THEIR THROATS TORN OUT,
AS IF BY SOME ANIMAL. RUMORS CIRCULATED AT THE TIME
THAT THE BLOOD OF THE VICTIMS WAS DRAINED FROM THEIR
BODIES, BUT THESE RUMORS WERE NEVER VERIFIED BY THE
LOCAL OFFICIALS. STILL, THE PLACE DID DEVELOP A RATHER
LIMITED APPEAL, SOME PEOPLE ARE SO SQUEAMISH, AND UN-
SOPHISTICATED. WELL, THE LODGE WAS FORCED TO CLOSE AND
HAS REMAINED CLOSED NOW, FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS. ENOUGH
OF THIS HISTORY--LET'S GET BACK TO FRANK AND JAMES. THE
BOYS LEFT EARLY ONE MORNING A LITTLE AFTER DAWN, FOR THEY
HAD A GOOD FIFTEEN MILES TO HIKE AND THEY WANTED TO BE
HOME BY NIGHTFALL. THEY HAD PACKED THEIR LUNCHES, EACH
CARRIED A KNIFE, AND BETWEEN THEM THEY HAD MANAGED TO
FIND THREE MATCHES. NOW, IN THOSE DAYS MATCHES WERE
VERY EXPENSIVE, AND RATHER RARE SO THEY WERE LUCKY TO
FIND THREE OF THEM.
THE MORNING THEY LEFT SEEMED TO BE A GOOD ONE FOR HIKING.
THE SUN WAS SHINING AND A MILD BREEZE WAS BLOWING. TOWARD
NINE, HOWEVER, A FEW CLOUDS WERE GATHERING IN THE EAST,
AND BY NOON IT WAS OBVIOUS A STORM WAS BLOWING IN. AT ONE
IT STARTED TO RAIN AND BY TWO IT WAS AS BLACK AS NIGHT.
THE BOYS SOON REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD NEVER MAKE IT
BACK TO TOWN THAT DAY AND THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO STAY AT
THE LODGE. IF THEY COULD FIND IT. THE WALKING BECAME
ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. THE BOYS FELL IN THE TORRENTS OF RAIN
AND MUD. SUDDENLY, A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRUCK A TREE AND A
HUGE LIMB FELL BURNING ACROSS THEIR PATH. BUT THE LIGHTNING
BOLT DID MORE THAN JUST CAUSE A LIMB TO BE THROWN IN THEIR
PATH, ALMOST AS IF IT WAS NATURE'S LAST WARNING TO GO BACK
AND RISK THE TORMENTS OF THE STORM RATHER THAN CONTINUE TO
THE LODGE, IT ALMOST MADE VISIBLE AN OLD LOG BUILDING ON
TOP OF THE NEARBY HILL. THEY HAD FOUND THE LODGE. SOMEHOW
THEY MANAGED TO CLIMB THE HILL, AND WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT THE
PORCH, THEY COLLAPSED, EXHAUSTED. AS FRANK LEANED BACK,
INTO A PILE OF DIRT, DUST, AND LEAVES, HE FELT THE JAB OF A
HARD OBJECT IN HIS BACK. HE BEGAN TO CLEAR AWAY THE LEAVES
AND DIRT AND WHEN HE HAD FINISHED HE FOUND THAT HE HAD UN-
COVERED THE HANDLE TO A TRAP DOOR. HE PULLED ON THE DOOR,
BUT IT WOULD NOT OPEN. HE CALLED JAMES OVER, THEY BOTH
PULLED, AND FOR A MOMENT THE DOOR OPENED, THEN SLAMMED
SHUT AGAIN AS IF SOME UNSEEN HAND HAD PULLED IT CLOSED.
THEY TRIED A THIRD TIME, AND THIS TIME THE DOOR OPENED
AS IF IT HAD NEVER BEEN CLOSED, IT ALMOST OPENED BY ITSELF
AS IF THE HOUSE HAD SUDDENLY DECIDED TO SHARE ITS SECRETS,
PERHAPS ITS FATE WITH THE BOYS. FRANK LIT ONE OF THE
MATCHES AND CLIMBED DOWN THE ROTTED LADDER INTO THE CELLAR
OF THE LODGE. HE CALLED FOR JAMES. JAMES TOOK TWO STEPS
INTO THE CELLAR WHEN THE LADDER COLLAPSED UNDER HIS
WEIGHT AND HE FELL TO THE FLOOR. THE MOMENT HE LANDED, THE
TRAP DOOR CLOSED ABOVE THEM, AND A STRANGELY COLD BREEZE
FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE CELLAR BLEW THE MATCH OUT. THEY LIT
THEIR SECOND MATCH AND IN THE NEXT FEW MOMENTS DISCOVERED
THAT THEY COULD NOT ESCAPE FROM THE CELLAR. WHEN THEY HAD
FULLY REALIZED THAT THEY WERE TRAPPED, JAMES TURNED TO
FRANK AND WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, WHEN HE LOOKED
AT HIS HANDS AND TO HIS HORROR DISCOVERED THAT THEY WERE
BLOOD RED. HE LOOKED UP AND THERE ON THE HANDLE OF THE
TRAP DOOR, ON THE INSIDE, WERE BLOOD-LIKE SMEARS THAT WERE
DRIPPING DOWN UPON HIS HANDS AND JACKET. THEIR STARES THEN
WENT FROM JAMES'S CLOTHING TO THE DIRT FLOOR OF THE CELLAR.
A SMALL TRAIL OF BLOOD RAN FROM UNDER THE TRAP DOOR TO
AN ALMOST HIDDEN DOOR IN THE DARKEST CORNER OF THE CELLAR.
THEY SLOWLY OPENED THE DOOR AND THEN WALKED INSIDE. THE
MOMENT THEY ENTERED THE ROOM, THE DOOR SLAMMED BEHIND THEM
AND BOLTED ITSELF, AND AGAIN THE MATCH WENT OUT. THEY LIT
THEIR THIRD AND LAST MATCH AND JAMES ALSO LIT A SMALL PIECE
OF WOOD COATED WITH TAR OR A SAP OF SOME KIND HE FOUND ON
THE FLOOR. THEY SAW ON THE FLOOR THAT THE TRAIL OF BLOOD
WAS GETTING WIDER AND MORE, ALMOST STREAM-LIKE, AS IT
LED TO ANOTHER DOORWAY. THE DOOR WAS COVERED WITH DRIPPING
BLOOD AND THE BOYS REALIZED THAT WHATEVER ANIMAL WAS CUT
LIKE THIS WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD. THEY KNEW THAT IT WAS
DANGEROUS TO FOLLOW A WOUNDED ANIMAL; BUT THEN THEY COULD
NOT GO BACK THE WAY THEY CAME. THIS MAY BE THEIR ONLY
CHANCE TO ESCAPE. AS THE BOYS DREW NEARER TO THE DOOR,
THEY FOUND THAT THERE WAS A DEFINITE PATTERN TO THE BLOOD
SMEARS ON THE DOOR. SOME OF THESE STREAKS RESEMBLED A
HAND OF SOME SORT, MAYBE THE WORD PAW OR CLAW WOULD DESCRIBE
THE PRINTS BETTER. THEY WERE SMALL, HEAVILY WRINKLED AND
LINED WITH AN ALMOST SHRUNKEN APPEARANCE, BUT THE MOST
HORRIFYING ASPECT OF THE "HANDS" WERE THEIR NAILS. THE
FINGERNAILS WERE CLOSE TO THREE INCHES LONG, AND JUDGING
FROM THE SLICES MADE INTO THE WOOD, RAZOR SHARP. THE
BOYS MADE A DECISION THAT THEY WOULD OPEN THE DOOR, AND HOPE
THAT WHATEVER KIND OF ANIMAL THAT LEFT SUCH TRACES WAS DEAD.
THE TERROR OF BEING BURIED ALIVE, TRAPPED IN SOME CELLAR WAS
GREATER THAN THE TERROR OF MEETING A QUICK DEATH AT THE
HANDS OF SOME WOUNDED ANIMAL. THE BOYS OPENED THE DOOR AND
TOOK THE PRECAUTION OF PLACING A TABLE AND CHAIR THEY HAD
FOUND IN THE ROOM AGAINST THE DOOR JUST IN CASE THEY WOULD
WANT TO LEAVE THE ROOM IN A HURRY. THE BOYS SLOWLY ENTERED
AND JUST AS SOON AS THEY WERE COMPLETELY IN THE ROOM, THEY
HEARD A HORRID, UNEARTHLY HALF-LAUGH--HALF-SHRIEK SOUND. THE
TABLE LEAPED INTO THE AIR AND SHATTERED ITSELF AGAINST THE
WALL, THROWN BY SOME UNSEEN HANDS. THE CHAIR LEAPED INTO THE
AIR AND HUNG THERE TWIRLLING LIKE SOME MADDENED TOP, BEFORE
CRASHING TO THE FLOOR AND DESTROYING ITSELF. THE BOYS MADE
A DASH TO OPEN THE DOOR, WHICH WAS SLOWLY CLOSING. FRANK'S
MATCH HAD GONE OUT IN THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF THIS SCENE
BUT JAMES'S "CANDLE" STILL BURNED ON THE FLOOR WHERE HE DROPPED
IT. THE BOYS LOOKED AROUND THEIR PRISON AND AGAIN THE
HORRIBLY FAMILIAR TRAIL OF BLOOD LED THE WAY. THERE IN THE
FARTHEST CORNER OF THE ROOM, VEILED IN A CURTAIN OF SPIDER
WEBS, AND GUARDED BY A LEGION OF RATS, AND THE BONES OF
OTHER ANIMALS WAS A BOX. THE BOX WAS SIX FEET LONG AND
ABOUT THREE FEET WIDE. THE SHAPE OF A COFFIN! FRANK THE
BRAVEST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT THE BRIGHTEST OF THE GROUP, TOOK
THE CANDLE FROM JAMES AND WENT TO OPEN THE BOX. HE SLOWLY
LIFTED THE LID AND THERE LAY THE DECAYING BODY OF A VERY OLD
WOMAN. HER HAIR WAS LONG AND KNOTTED AS IF SOME RAT HAD
BUILT ITS HOME THERE, HER NAILS WERE LONG AND APPEARED
TO BE AS SHARP AS A KNIFE. ONE OF HER EYES HAD ROTTED AND
FALLEN OUT OF ITS SOCKET AND A SPIDER WAS CRAWLG BACK IN
FORTH IN THE EMPTINESS OF THAT WHICH WAS ONCE AN EYE,
SPINNING ITS WEB. AS FRANK STARED AT THE FACE, SLOWLY THE
OTHER EYE OPENED AND STARED AT HIM. THE LIPS OF THE WOMAN
SLOWLY PARTED AND A STREAM OF BLOODY SALIVA DROOLED FROM
HER LIPS DOWN THE SIDE OF HER DECAYING CHEEKS. FRANK
SCREAMED, DROPPED THE CANDLE, AND SLAMMED THE LID SHUT,
JUST AS THE HAND OF THE WOMAN MADE A LUNGE FOR HIS THROAT.
THE FORCE OF THE LID SLICED THE HAND FROM THE BODY AND IT
FELL WITH A SICKENING THUMP TO THE FLOOR. FRANK RACED BACK
TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM WHERE JAMES WAS. THE ROOM WHICH
WAS MOMENTARILY THRUST INTO PROTECTING DARKNESS SLOWLY
BEGAN TO BE FILLED WITH A PULSATING AND UNEARTHLY LIGHT
ORIGINATING FROM THE COFFIN. THE LIGHT BECAME BRIGHTER
AND THE PULSATIONS MORE FREQUENT AS THE COFFIN SLOWLY
OPENED AND THE DEAD WOMAN, THE VAMPIRE SAT UP. THE COFFIN
ROSE FROM ITS RESTING PLACE ON A SMALL HILL AND BEGAN TO
FLOAT TOWARD THE BOYS. THE HAND ON THE FLOOR BEGAN TO
DRAG ITSELF BY ITS NAILS IN THE DIRECTION OF FRANK AND JAMES.
THE WOMAN IN THE COFFIN BECKONED THE BOYS TO COME TO HER.
THOUGH SHE DID NOT SPEAK, THE BOYS COULD HEAR HER SYING
"FEED ME, I THIRST, GIVE ME DRINK, FEED ME." HER JAWS
OPENED AND CLOSED WITH A GRINDING SOUND AND TWO LARGE
TEETH BECAME INCREASINGLY MORE VISIBLE. THE BLOOD GURGLED
FROM HER MOUTH AND THE COFFIN WITH ITS RIDER CREPT CLOSER
AND CLOSER TO THE BOYS. THE BOYS FOUND THEMSELVES AGAINST
THE WALL IN THE FARTHEST CORNER OF THE ROOM WITH THE COFFIN
ONLY INCHES FROM THEIR THROATS. JAMES SUDDENLY SCREAMED
AND THERE CRAWLING UP HIS LEG WAS THE SEVERED HAND OF THE
WOMAN. THE BOYS FOUND THEMSELVES ONLY MOMENTS FROM DEATH
WHEN A VOICE SHOUTED, "DON'T WORRY BOYS, LUDEN'S WILD
CHERRY COUGH CROPS WILL STOP THAT COUGHING (COFFIN).

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN