The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

(PROVERB)

SOME GUY WHO WAS A GREAT TRACK STAR IN GREEK TIMES
STARTED TO BRAG HOW GREAT HE WAS. COME THE DAY OF THE
ATHENS-SPARTA MARATHON, AND HE WAS UP FOR IT. HIS
TRADE MARK BESIDES WINNING, WAS HIS CLOTHES, BECAUSE
HE WAS POOR. HE SAVED UP AND FOR THE BIG RACE HE
BOUGHT SHEEP WAX TO POLISH UP HIS CLOTHES SO THEY
LOOKED EXPENSIVE. THE RACE BEGINS. HE RAN AS HARD
AND AS LONG AS HE COULD. ALAS AND ALACK HE WAS
BEATEN.
MORAL: DON'T GLOSS YOUR BRITHCES AFORE YOU RUN IN
THEM.

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Keyword(s): DON'T CROSS YOUR BRIDGES BEFORE YOU COME TO THEM.

Date learned: 10-20-1970

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(SHAGGY DOG) TALE

THERE WAS ONCE A BABY BORN WITH ONLY A HEAD. AS HE GREW
UP HE WAS VERY SAD AND KEPT WISHING THAT HE HAD A BODY
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. ONE DAY HIS FAIRY GODMOTHER CAME
AND TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD HAVE ONE WISH. THE BOY THEN
WISHED FOR A BODY, WHICH THE FAIRY GODMOTHER GAVE HIM.
HE BECAME VERY EXCITED, RAN OUTDOORS TO PLAY WITH HIS
FRIENDS, RAN INTO THE STREET AND GOT KILLED BY A
PASSING AUTOMOBILE.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.
(A HEAD).

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Date learned: 09-00-1969

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(POPULAR SAYING)

MABEL AND HENRY WERE WALKING ACROSS A RAILROAD TRACK AND
HENRY GOT HIS FOOT STUCK. MABEL SAID, "HENRY PULL YOUR
FOOT OUT." HENRY SAID, "I CAN'T. IT'S STUCK."
"HENRY PULL YOUR FOOT OUT." "I CAN'T, IT'S STUCK."
HERE COMES A TRAIN, 90 MILES AN HOUR. BAM. POOR HENRY.
HIS HEAD IS OVER HERE. HIS ARM IS OVER THERE. HIS LEG
IS IN THE CORNFIELD. MABEL STANDS THERE AND SAYS, "FOR
PETE'S SAKE, HENRY, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER."

Submitter comment: TO BE TOLD WITH THE TONGUE IN FRONT OF THE BOTTOM
TEETH.

Where learned: MICHIGAN

Date learned: 00001950 S

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THE PORPOISES

SEEMS THAT THERE WAS THIS ZOOLOGIST WHO WAS DEEPLY INVOLVED
IN THE STUDY OF KEEPING PORPOISES ALIVE INDEFINITELY.
SEEING AS THAT THE SEA-GULL IS THEIR MAIN FOOD, HE RAISED
THEM, IN HUNDREDS, ON A FARM NEAR THE LABORATORY. SO
EVERY DAY, HE WOULD TAKE A LOAD OF THESE BIRDS FROM THE
FARM, DOWN THE ROAD PAST THE ZOO, TO HIS LAB. WELL, ONE
DAY, AS HE WAS PASSING THE ZOO, A LION, WHO HAD ESCAPED
EARLIER, RAN OUT IN FRONT OF HIS TRUCK. HE COULDN'T
STOP, SO HE HIT IT BROADSIDE. WELL, IT WAS JUST HIS LUCK
THAT A STATE TROOPER WAS PASSING BY AT THAT POINT. THE
OFFICER GOT OUT, SURVEYED THE MESS, AND DECIDED TO TAKE
THE ZOOLOGIST BACK TO THE STATION. WHEN ASKED WHAT THE
CHARGE WAS, HE REPLIED, "YOU ARE GUILTY OF TRANSPORTING
YOUNG GULLS ACROSS A STATE LION FOR IMMORTAL PURPOISES."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): TRANSPORTING YOUNG GIRLS ACROSS A STATE LINE FOR IMMORAL PURPOSES. A FELONY.

Date learned: 00-00-1967

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(TALE WITH A PUN ON THE WORD COFFIN)

DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I WAS A PALLBEARER FOR
MY GIRLFRIEND'S GRANDFATHER? IT WAS IN SCRANTON LAST
WINTER. WE HAD HAD A BAD STORM THE DAY BEFORE AND ICE
WAS EVERYWHERE. OUR INSTRUCTIONS WERE THAT DUE TO THE
ICE, IF ANYONE OF US FELT WE WERE SLIPPING, WE SHOULD
LET GO OF THE COFFIN AND THE OTHER GUYS WOULD TAKE UP
THE LOAD. WELL, THIS CHURCH WAS LOCATED UP ON A HILL AND
HAD A REAL LONG SIDEWALK WITH A COUPLE OF SETS OF STEPS.
ANYWAY, WE WERE COMING OUT AND SURE ENOUGH, I DIDN'T
TAKE MORE THAN ABOUT THREE STEPS WHEN I STARTED SLIDING, SO
AS INSTRUCTED, I LET GO. WELL, I GUESS THE REST OF THE
GUYS WERE SLIPPING, TOO, BECAUSE THEY ALL LET GO AND AWAY
WENT THE COFFIN SAILING DOWN THE SIDEWALK. YOU COULDN'T
BELIEVE THE CONFUSION! ABOUT THREE WOMEN FAINTED, THEN
THE GRANDMOTHER FAINTED AND THE COFFIN WAS STILL SAILING
THEN A COUPLE MORE WOMEN FAINTED. THE COFFIN WENT ALL
THE WAY DOWN THE SIDEWALK THEN OUT INTO THE ROAD AND
THE CARS WERE SWERVING EVERYWHERE BUT THE COFFIN KEPT
ON GOING. WHEN IT HIT THE OTHER CURB THE TOP OF THE
COFFIN POPPED OPEN AND IT WAS HEADED RIGHT FOR THE DOOR
OF THE DRUGSTORE. THE COFFIN SAILED RIGHT INTO THE
STORE, RIGHT UP TO THE COUNTER, AND AS IT HIT THE COUNTER,
THE GRANDFATHER SAT UP AND SAID, "YOU GOT ANYTHING TO
STOP THIS COFFIN?"

Where learned: PENNSYLVANIA ; SCRANTON

Keyword(s): COUGHING

Date learned: 00-00-1970

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PUN ON STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

THERE WAS AN INDIAN CHIEF NAMED SHORTCAKE. THE CHIEF
WAS A BACHELOR, AND ONE DAY HE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED.
WELL, HE GOT MARRIED AND DIED ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THEN? SQUAW BURY SHORTCAKE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; CAMP OHIYESA ; CLARKSON

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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BED RIDDLE

LAST NIGHT I SLEPT IN A BED THAT WAS TOO SHORT, BUT I
ADDED TWO FEET WHEN I GOT IN.

Submitter comment: INFORMANT HEARD THIS RIDDLE FROM A MAN AT WORK AT
KELSY-HAYES IN ROMULUS {MICHIGAN}.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 02-15-1971

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BEETHOVEN JOKE

TWO COLLEGE STUDENTS IN GERMANY READ THAT BEETHOVEN'S
GRAVE HAD BEEN LOCATED, FINALLY. THEY DECIDED TO SEE
IT. WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THEY DECIDED TO DIG UP THE
GRAVE AND SEE WHAT BEETHOVEN LOOKED LIKE. WHEN THEY
OPENED THE TOP OF THE COFFIN, THERE WAS BEETHOVEN,
FURIOUSLY WRITING ON A SLATE, AND ERASING, AND WRITING
SOME MORE, AND ERASING. HE CONTINUED IN THIS MANNER
UNTIL THEY INTERRUPTED HIM AND ASKED WHAT HE WAS
DOING. HE REPLIED, "I'M DECOMPOSING!"

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Keyword(s): COMPOSING

Date learned: 02-26-1971

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MATH JOKE

THERE WAS ONCE A ZOOKEEPER WHO ACQUIRED A PAIR OF
ADDERS (SNAKES). SINCE THE LIFE OF A SNAKE IS
RELATIVELY SHORT, HE WANTED THESE SNAKES TO REPRODUCE.
HE SOON TRIED EVERY POSSIBLE METHOD, BUT THE SNAKES
REFUSED TO MATE. ONE DAY, AN ENGINEER HAPPENED TO
BUMP INTO THE ZOOKEEPER, AND SOON LEARNED OF THE
ZOOKEEPER'S PROBLEM. HE TOLD THE ZOOKEEPER, "THE
ONLY WAY YOU WILL GET RESULTS, IS TO GO INTO THE WOODS,
CHOP DOWN SOME SMALL TREES, AND BUILD A TABLE WITH THEM.
THEN PUT THE ADDERS ON THIS TABLE." THE ZOOKEEPER
DID AS HE WAS TOLD, AND SURE ENOUGH! THE ADDERS WENT
WILD! THE NEXT TIME THE ZOOKEEPER SAW THE ENGINEER
HE ASKED HIM THE SECRET BEHIND MAKING THESE ADDERS
REPRODUCE. "SIMPLE," REPLIED THE ENGINEER. "IF
YOU WANT TO MAKE ADDERS MULTIPLY, BUILT THEM A TABLE
OF LOGS!"

Where learned: COLLECTORS HOME ; SOCIAL VISIT

Date learned: 04-07-1971

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THE MUMMY

PROFESSOR IN EGYPT DIGGING FOR RELICS, BUMPS INTO
BURIED PYRAMID. SOMEHOW HE FINDS HIS WAY IN,
DISCOVERS RICHES GALORE AND IN THE MIDST A HUGE
MUMMY CASE. PROFESSOR OPENS CASE AND THE LIGHT
BRINGS THE TAPED, HULKING MONSTER TO LIFE AND IT
PROMPTLY PURSUES THE PROFESSOR ALL OVER THE WORLD
WITH AN INCESSANT "STEP, DRAG!" PROFESSOR, THOUGH,
QUITE CLEVERLY ENTERS A DRUG STORE, PUTS PENNY
INTO SCALE, AND GETS A WEIGH {AWAY}.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 11-00-1969

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OWL STORY

AN OWL WAS SITTING IN A TREE DURING THE DEAD OF WINTER.
THE OWL WAS FREEZING. HE SAW A CABIN DOWN IN THE
VALLEY WITH SMOKE POURING FROM ITS CHIMNEY. THE OWL
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE SITTING NEXT TO A
NICE WARM FIRE, SO HE FLEW TOWARDS THE CABIN AND WAS
IN SUCH A HURRY THAT HE FLEW RIGHT INTO THE WINDOW
AND KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT. NOW A VETENARY {VETERINARY}
LIVED IN THE CABIN AND HEARD THE OWL HIT THE WINDOW
SO HE WENT OUTSIDE AND FOUND THIS OWL LAYING ON THE
GROUND, SO HE BROUGHT THE OWL INSIDE. WHEN HE GOT
INSIDE, HE BEGAN TO CHECK THE OWL OVER AND FOUND THAT
ITS TONSILS NEEDED TO BE TAKEN OUT, SO HE DID. THEN HE
FOUND THAT THE OWL HAD PILES, SO HE GOT RID OF THOSE.
WHEN THE OWL GOT BETTER, THE VETENARY LET HIM GO. THE
OWL WAS SITTING IN THAT SAME TREE, ONE DAY, WHEN ANOTHER
OWL CAME AND SAT NEXT TO HIM. IT WAS COLD THAT DAY AND
THE OTHER OWL SAID, "SAY, WHY DON'T WE GO DOWN TO THAT
CABIN AND GET WARM BY THE FIRE." THE OWL REPLIED,
"NO THANKS! A VETENARY LIVES IN THAT CABIN." "SO
WHAT?" "I WENT DOWN THERE ONCE AND HE TOOK OUT MY
TONSILS AND GOT RID OF MY PILES. NOW I CAN'T SHIT
WORTH A HOOT OR HOOT WORTH A SHIT."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; Mount Clemens

Date learned: 11-08-1968

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THE REMEDY

THERE WAS THIS MISSIONARY DOCTOR WORKING WITH A BUNCH OF
SAVAGES IN AFRICA. THE NATIVES WERE VERY SUPERSTITIOUS AND
BELIEVED IN VOODOO MEDICINE. BECAUSE OF THIS, WHENEVER THE
DOCTOR GAVE OUT MEDICINE HE HAD TO MAKE THE NATIVES THINK IT WAS
VOODOO. ONE DAY, A MAN CAME IN WITH A RARE MALADY AND THE
DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A DRUG. BUT, IN ORDER TO GET THE MAN TO TAKE
ITHE COATED A THONG WITH IT. THE MAN WAS TOLD TO TAKE ONE BITE
OF THE THONG PER DAY. TWO WEEKS LATER, THE MAN CAME BACK TO THE
DOCTOR AND SAID "THE THONG IS ENDED, BUT THE MALADY LINGERS ON."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 03-00-1967

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THE RARIE

ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO LIVED ALL ALONE, AND HE
VERY OFTEN FELT PRETTY LONESOME. MANY FRIENDS OF HIS HAD
SUGGESTED THAT HE GO OUT AND BUY HIMSELF A PET TO KEEP
HIM COMPANY, BUT HE JUST DIDN'T CARE FOR PETS AS A RULE--
UNLESS IT WAS THE ONLY KIND OF ITS SPECIE IN THE WORLD.
THIS MAN USED TO MAKE WEEKLY ROUNDS TO ALL THE PET SHOPS
IN HIS CITY TO SEE IF THEY HAD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH A
PET WHICH WOULD REALLY TICKLE HIS FANCY, BUT HE NEVER
FOUND ONE THAT WAS QUITE RIGHT. HE LOOKED AT YELLOW-AND-
RED ELEPHANTS, PURPLE POLAR BEARS, ORANGE AARDVARKS, AND
EQUALLY STRANGE ANIMALS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT
HE STILL FELT HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED WITH THESE.
AFTER ALL, EVERYONE IN HIS CITY HAD AT LEAST ONE ORANGE
AARDVARK.
THIS FELLA HAD JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP ALL HOPE OF FINDING
WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR, WHEN ONE DAY HE HAPPENED TO
WANDER INTO A LITTLE PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED
THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE LUMP OF FUR HE HAD EVER SEEN.
HE KNEW AT THAT INSTANT IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD BEEN
LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE. HE ASKED THE PROPRIETOR ABOUT
THIS LITTLE ANIMAL, AND WAS TOLD IT WAS A "RARIE," THE
ONLY ONE OF ITS KIND IN EXISTENCE. THE MAN JUST COULDN'T
RESIST, AND HE BOUGHT IT RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT, AND
WALKED HOME WITH IT IN A LITTLE CAGE, HAPPIER THAN HE
HAD EVER BEEN IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, SIR, THIS HERE FELLA REALLY LOVED HIS NEW PET. HE
DIDN'T MIND AT ALL HAVING TO WALK 37 MILES EACH WEEK IN
ORDER TO BUY THE LITTLE FELLA FOOD! AFTER ALL, RARIE-
FOOD ISN'T TOO EASY TO COME BY THESE DAYS--ESPECIALLY
IN THE OFF-SEASON. HE BECAME SO ATTACHED TO IT, YOU
WOULD THINK IT WAS HIS CHILD. HE FED IT, BATHED IT, AND
EXERCISED IT DAILY, AS HE PROUDLY WATCHED IT GROW, AND
GROW, AND GROW, AND GROW. THIS SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY
REAL PROBLEM WITH HAVING A PET SUCH AS THIS. WHEN WELL
CARED FOR, RARIES GROW TO AN ENORMOUS SIZE! AFTER ABOUT A
MONTH, THE MAN FOUND IT NECESSARY TO MOVE OUT OF HIS
APARTMENT AND BUY A SMALL HOUSE SO THAT HIS PET WOULD
HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC (RARIES NEED LOTS OF ROOM
TO ROMP AND FROLIC AND THEY GET CLAUSTROPHOBIA VERY
EASILY). SURE ENOUGH, A COUPLE MONTHS LATER THE MAN
HAD TO MOVE OUT OF HIS LITTLE HOUSE AND INTO A BIG
HOUSE, JUST SO HIS PET COULD ROMP AND FROLIC TO ITS HEART'S
DESIRE. OF COURSE, THE MAN DIDN'T MIND HAVING TO MAKE
THE MOVE--HE LOVED THAT PET LIKE A CHILD. BUT IT WASN'T
LONG BEFORE THE MAN REALIZED THAT EVEN HIS NICE, BIG HOUSE
STILL WASN'T BIG ENOUGH, AND SO HE BOUGHT A SMALL RANCH,
JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE ROOM TO ROMP AND FROLIC, WITH
ALWAYS THE HOPE IN MIND THAT HIS RARIE WOULD SOON BECOME
FULL GROWN AND WOULDN'T REQUIRE MORE ROOM THAN HE ALREADY
HAD.
THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT QUITE THE CASE. NO SOONER THAN
THEY HAD FINALLY SETTLED ON THEIR NICE, LITTLE RANCH, THE
MAN REALIZED THAT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS HIS RARIE WOULD NEED
MORE ROOM YET, JUST SO HIS PET WOULD HAVE THE ROOM TO ROMP
AND FROLIC.
THE MAN WAS GETTING DESPERATE. HE HAD VISIONS OF HIS
WONDERFUL LITTLE PET BECOMING ALTOGETHER TOO BIG TO
MAINTAIN. AS A LAST RESORT, HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE
BIGGEST RANCH HE COULD FIND, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS THE
LAST MOVE HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS PET.
SURE, HE LOVED THE ANIMAL AND HAD GROWN VERY ATTACHED TO
IT, BUT HE KNEW THERE WAS A LIMIT.
AFTER THE MAN AND HIS RARIE HAD LIVED ON THE BIG RANCH
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, DURING WHICH HIS LITTLE COMPANION
CONTINUED GROWING AT A FANTASTIC RATE, HE KNEW THEY WOULD
HAVE TO PART, AS MUCH AS IT HURT BOTH OF THEM. ONE WINTER
EVENING THE MAN PRETENDED HE WAS GOING TO TAKE HIS PET
FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS, AND WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE, THE
MAN STARTED WALKING WITH THE RARIE FOLLOWING ON A LEASH.
THEY WALKED QUIETLY UNTIL ALMOST DAYBREAK, AND THE MAN THEN
TIED THE LEASH TO A LARGE TREE, BID THE RARIE A SAD
FAREWELL, AND QUICKLY WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE BEFORE HE
HAD A LAST MINUTE CHANGE OF HEART.
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT BACK TO HIS HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE SAW SITTING ALONGSIDE (AND TOWERING OVER) HIS HOUSE?
WHY, IF IT WASN'T HIS ONE AND ONLY PET RARIE, JUST AS
HAPPY AND PLAYFUL AS COULD BE, WAITING PATIENTLY FOR ITS
MASTER TO RETURN AND FEED IT. THE MAN COULDN'T BELIEVE
HIS EYES! HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE IT AGAIN. AT THIS
MOMENT, THE MAN DECIDED TO AT LEAST KEEP THE RARIE UNTIL
THE SPRING, BUT WHEN THE FIRST THAW COMES, HE WOULD ONCE
AGAIN HAVE TO GET RID OF HIS WONDERFUL PET.
AFTER A LONG, COLD, CRAMPED WINTER, THE FIRST THAW SET IN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE MAN SET OUT TO DISPOSE OF HIS PET,
WHICH, BY NOW, HAD EVEN OUTGROWN THE BIG RANCH. THERE
WAS NO WAY OUT, SO THE MAN GOT A LARGE TRUCK, AND PUT THE
RARIE INTO IT AND DROVE TO A VERY HIGH CLIFF NOT FAR FROM
HIS RANCH. HE BACKED THE DUMPTRUCK TO THE EDGE OF THE
CLIFF AND ACTIVATED THE MECHANISM CAUSING THE RARIE TO
START TO SLIDE OUT AND OVER THE EDGE. THE RARIE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING WHEN IT LOOKED OUT AND SAW NOTHING
BELOW IT FOR HUNDREDS OF FEET. WITH A VERY INQUISITIVE
LOOK ON ITS FACE, IT TURNED AROUND TO THE MAN. "HEY!"
IT EXCLAIMED, "IT"S A LONG WAY TO TIP A RARIE!'

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Keyword(s): SONG: IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY

Date learned: 00-00-1965

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( PUNCH LINE FROM A SONG)

THERE ONCE WAS A FAMOUS SKIN DIVER NAMED OSEE WHO WAS
ASKED TO TEST A NEW UNDERWATER FLASHLIGHT, INVENTED BY
A PROFESSOR DAWNSEARLY. TO CONDUCT THE TEST, THE
SKINDIVER, THE PROFESSOR AND SOME PROFESSIONAL TEST
CONDUCTORS TOOK A SHIP TO THE NEAREST MURKY WATERS.
OSEE SUBMERGED IN A DIVING SUIT EQUIPPED WITH AN
INTERCOM. HE TOLD THE MAN ON BOARD THAT HE WAS TURNING
ON THE FLASHLIGHT. THEN, THROUGH THE INTERCOM THEY
ASKED THE FATAL QUESTION: "OSEE, CAN YOU SEE BY THE
DAWNSEARLY LIGHT?"

Where learned: UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT

Keyword(s): NATIONAL ANTHEM SONG: OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT.

Date learned: 11-02-1970

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WINDOW IN THE DOGGIE JOKE

THERE WAS AN ECCENTRIC OLD LADY WHO HAD A LITTLE DOG
THAT SHE LOVED VERY MUCH AND JUST DOTED ON. THE DOG WAS
GETTING OLD AND HADN'T BEEN FELLING WELL, SO THE LADY TOOK
IT TO THE VET. THE DOCTOR TOLD HER THAT THE DOG HAD A
WEAK HEART AND WOULDN'T BE AROUND MUCH LONGER. HE SAID
HE JUST HAD A DOG WHO DIED AND SUGGESTED A HEART TRANSPLANT.
THE LADY CONSENTED AND THE DOCTOR WAS REALLY EXCITED
BECAUSE THIS WAS A FIRST--A HEART TRANSPLANT IN A DOG. THE
LADY WAS WATCHING THE DELICATE OPERATION AND THE SKILLFUL
DOCTOR ASKED THAT SINCE HE WAS ALREADY OPERATING, COULD
HE PUT A WINDOW IN THE DOG SO THEY COULD WATCH THE NEW
HEART WORK. THE LADY BEGAN TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY, BUT
CONSENTED ANYWAY.
FINALLY SHE GOT SO WORRIED ABOUT THE COST OF THE OPERATION
AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE {HAD} BETTER INQUIRE
ABOUT IT. SHE ASKED THE DOCTOR, "HOW MUCH IS THAT WINDOW
IN THE DOGGIE?"

Where learned: INDIANA ; University of Notre Dame

Keyword(s): SONG: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW.

James Callow Keyword(s): HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?

Date learned: 03-28-1971

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STRAWBERRY

BACK IN THE DAYS OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE, WHEN A BOY WAS
APPROACHING MANHOOD, HE'D HAVE TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD
AND DO A MANLY DEED. THE DEEDS INCLUDED THINGS LIKE
KILLING A LION OR SLAYING A GIANT, BUT EACH YOUNG MAN
WOULD HAVE TO PERFORM SOMETHING UNIQUE. THIS IS THE
STORY OF ONE SUCH LAD.
WHEN HIS TIME CAME, HE WENT OUT INTO THE WOODS TO DO HIS
MANLY DEED. CONFUSED, HE SEARCHED FOR WEEKS UNTIL ONE DAY
HE FOUND IT--A STRAWBERRY. BUT THIS WAS NO ORDINARY
STRAWBERRY. THIS ONE WAS TEN FEET HIGH AND MEASURED
FOURTEEN FEET IN CIRCUMFERENCE. HE SAID TO HIMSELF,
"SURELY, THIS MUST BE IT."
SPENDING TWO MORE WEEKS IN THE WOODS, OUR HERO BUILT A
CART FOR HIS STRAWBERRY. WHEN HE ARRIVED BACK IN ROME
WITH IT, THE PEOPLE CAME RUNNING OUT INTO THE STREETS TO
SEE IT. IN FACT, THEY WERE SO AWED BY THE GIANT STRAW-
BERRY, THAT THEY CONSTRUCTED A TEMPLE AROUND IT AND
MADE THE YOUNG MAN THE "KEEPER OF THE BERRY."
AS THE WORLD BEGAN TO HEAR ABOUT THIS STRAWBERRY, PEOPLE
WOULD MAKE PILGRIMAGES TO ROME IN ORDER TO SEE THIS
MAGNIFICENT SIGHT. WELL, ONE NIGHT THERE WAS A KNOCK
ON THE DOOR. THE YOUNG MAN SAID, "WE'RE CLOSED, COME
BACK TOMORROW." BUT THE KNOCK PERSISTED. FINALLY,
OUT OF ANNOYANCE, HE OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW THREE SHADY
LOOKING CHARACTERS DRESSED IN BLACK TOGAS AND CARRYING
VIOLIN CASES. ONE OF THEM SAID, "WE WANT TO SEE THE
STRAWBERRY." THE YOUNG MAN TOLD THEM THAT HE WAS SORRY
BUT THEY COULDN'T SEE THE STRAWBERRY UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.
WITH THAT THE LEADER OF THE GROUP, GRABBED OUR HERO AND
SAID, "LOOK KID, WE HAVE COME TO SEIZE YOUR BERRY, NOT
TO PRAISE IT!"

Submitter comment: I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE INFORMANT. HE WAS ENTERTAINING
A GROUP AT A PARTY WHEN I HEARD THIS.

Where learned: NOT GIVEN

Keyword(s): SHAKESPEARE: WE'VE COME TO BURY CEASER, NOT TO PRAISE HIM.

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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PROVERB

THE TRIDS OF TRIDVILLE WERE CONSTANTLY BEING PLAGUED
BY A MEAN OGRE WHO KICKED THEM VICIOUSLY. ONE DAY,
A RABBI CAME TO THE OGRE AND SAID, "OGRE, PLEASE DON'T
KICK THE TRIDS ANYMORE, KICK ME." THE OGRE REPLIED,
"SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PARODY OF TELEVISION COMMERCIAL FOR KIX CEREAL ADVERTISE- MENT, WHICH ENDED WITH THE WORDS "SILLY RABBIT, KIX ARE FOR KIDS."

Date learned: 10-00-1971

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(STORY WITH A PUN ON AN ADVERTIZING SLOGAN)

THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT WAS GETTING ALL THE ROYALTIES FOR
HIS COMMERCIALS AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE, CALLED TRIDS,
WEREN'T GETTING ANYTHING FOR THEIR PART IN THE COMMER-
CIALS. THIS MADE THE TRIDS VERY ANGRY AND SO THEY
DECIDED TO GET RID OF THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT. SO, 150
TRIDS CLIMBED UP HIS LEG AND TRIED TO PULL HIM OVER A
CLIFF, BUT THE GIANT JUST KICKED THEM OFF HIS LEG.
SO, 1500 TRIDS CLIMBED UP HIS LEG, BUT THE GIANT ONLY
KICKED THEM OFF, TOO. FINALLY, 15,000,000,000 TRIDS
AND ONE RABBI CLIMBED UP THE GIANT'S LEG, BUT HE KICKED
ALL THE TRIDS OFF HIS LEG, BUT LET THE RABBI STAY.
WHEN THE RABBI ASKED WHY HE WAS SAVED, THE JOLLY GREEN
GIANT ANSWERED, "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS."

Data entry tech comment: SEE B667.1-120 FOR FURTHER EXPLANATION.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; ARRIVING ; NEW BALTIMORE

Keyword(s): SILLY RABBIT, KIX ARE FOR KIDS.

Date learned: 10-30-1969

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YELLOW FINGER

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A CASTLE THAT WAS GUARDED BY
A HUGE YELLOW FINGER, WHO WOULDN'T LET ANYONE PASS
THE KING FROM A RIVALING CASTLE SENT ONE OF HIS BRAVEST
KNIGHTS TO GET BY THE FINGER, BUT THE FINGER KILLED HIM.
SO THE KING SENT A DUKE, BUT HE, TOO, WAS KILLED. THEN
THE KING SENT ONE OF HIS PAGES. HE JUST WALKED RIGHT
THROUGH.
MORAL: LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW
FINGER.

Submitter comment: IT SEEMS TO ME THERE WAS SLIGHTLY MORE BUILD-UP ON THIS
STORY, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER IT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PUN ON TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT: LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES. COMMERCIAL FOR THE BELL TELEPHONE CO., REGARDING SAVING TIME AND ENERGY BY PRE-SHOPPING THROUGH MAKING CAL

Date learned: 11-18-1968

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YELLOW FINGERS

ONCE THERE WAS A KING WHO WANTED TO GET A MESSAGE THROUGH
TO A NEIGHBORING KINGDOM. BUT IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH,
THE MESSANGER WOULD HAVE TO PASS THE MONSTROUS YELLOW
FINGERS. FIRST A KNIGHT WAS SENT, BUT THE YELLOW FINGERS
PINCHED HIM TO DEATH. THEN A SQUIRE TRIED, BUT MET WITH
THE SAME FATE. FINALLY, A PAGE WAS SENT AND MADE IT
THROUGH.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING
THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PUN ON COMMERCIAL FOR THE BELL TELEPHONE CO., WHICH SAYS, "LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING, THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES." TIMESAVING AND ENERGY SAVING METHOD OF SHOPPING--LOOK UP IN THE YELLOW PAGES O

Date learned: 10-15-1969

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