THERE WAS THIS CITY MOUSE WHO HAD HIS COUSIN FROM THE
COUNTRY OVER FOR THE WEEKEND. THE COUNTRY MOUSE WAS
REALLY A HICK. HE KNEW VERY LITTLE ABOUT NOTHING.
SATURDAY EVENING THE CITY MOUSE DECIDED THAT THEY
WOULD GO OUT AND PICK UP SOME WOMEN. THE COUNTRY
MOUSE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO HIS FRIEND TOLD
HIM TO FOLLOW HIS EVERY ACTION AND HE WOULD DO ALL
RIGHT. WHILE THEY WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, THEY
SPIED THIS SHARP LITTLE MOUSE STANDING ON THE CORNER.
THE CITY MOUSE REMINDED THE COUNTRY MOUSE TO WATCH
HIS EVERY MOVE. THE CITY MOUSE WENT UP TO HER AND
SAID: "OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL WITCH, WITH SPARKLING EYES
AND ALLURING LIPS THY BEAUTY LIES BETWEIXT THY
THIGHS, AND THAT IS WHAT I IDOLIZE...SHAKESPEARE."
THE GIRL THEN TOOK HIS ARM AND THEY WALKED OFF. THE
COUNTRY MOUSE THEN SPIED A SHARP LITTLE NUMBER ON
THE OTHER STREET CORNER. HE WALKED UP TO HER AND
SAID, "OH YOU SON OF A BITCH, WITH CROSSED EYES
AND CHAPPED LIPS, YOUR CUNT LIES BETWEEN YOUR
THIGHS, AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE....
SNAKESHIT."

Submitter comment: THE INFORMANT STATED THAT HE HEARD THIS ABOUT FOUR
YEARS AGO AND THAT FOR SOME REASON IT HAS ALWAYS
STUCK WITH HIM.

Data entry tech comment: SMUT USUALLY DOES THAT!

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings:

PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale
Filter - Mature Content

Date learned: 04-12-1965

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POLITICAL STORY

THE INFORMANT, AN OLD IRISH DEMOCRAT, RETIRED DETROIT
FIREMAN, COMMENTED ON THE WISDOM OF ERECTING A STATUE
OF LYNDON JOHNSON IN THE HALL OF FAME IN WASHINGTON:
"THE STATUE COULDN'T BE PLACED BESIDES GEORGE WASHINGTON
WHO NEVER TOLD A LIE, NOR BESIDE FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT,
WHO NEVER TOLD THE TRUTH, BECAUSE L.B.J. IS ONE WHO
CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE."

Submitter comment: THE INFORMANT STATED THAT THE STATUE SHOULD BE PLACED
BESIDE THAT OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, THE GREATEST
WHEELER AND DEALER OF THEM ALL. HE STARTED OUT NOT
KNOWING WHERE HE WAS GOING; UPON ARRIVING, HE DID NOT
KNOW WHERE HE WAS; ON RETURNING, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE
HE HAD BEEN; FURTHERMORE, HE DID IT ALL ON BORROWED
MONEY.
THE INFORMANT, MY FATHER, HAS UP UNTIL RECENT TIMES
BEEN AN ALMOST SUPPORTER OF THE NEW DEAL AND SOMETIMES
VIOLENTLY ANTI-REPUBLICAN. SINCE HIS RETIREMENT, I
HAVE NOTICED A NUMBER OF ANTI-DEMOCRATIC TENDENCIES.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings:

PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale

Date learned: 03-10-1967

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POLITICAL-BIBLICAL ALLEGORY-VARIANT

IN 1956, DURING THE ADMINISTRATION OF PRESIDENT
EISENHOWER, I OVERHEARD THE FOLLOWING POLITICAL ASSESSMENTS
BY A SOUTHERN, WHITE OWNER OF A SMALL, NOT VERY
PROSPEROUS (GREASY SPOON) RESTAURANT:
FIVE THOUSAND YEARS AGO, MOSES SAID TO THE CHILDREN OF
ISREAL, "PICK UP YOUR SHOVELS, MOUNT YOUR ASSES AND
CAMELS AND I WILL LEAD YOU TO THE PROMISED LAND."
FIVE THOUSAND YEARS LATER FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT SAID:
"LAY DOWN YOUR SHOVELS, SIT ON YOUR ASSES, LIGHT UP
A CAMEL, THIS IS THE PROMISED LAND." NOW THE REPUBLICANS
ARE SAYING, "STEALING YOUR SHOVELS, KICKING YOUR ASSES,
RAISING THE PRICE OF CAMELS AND STEALING THE PROMISED
LAND."

Submitter comment: THIS UTTERANCE CAME, OF COURSE, DURING A PERIOD OF
ECONOMIC RECESSION AND WAS TOLD SO THAT EVERYONE IN THE
RESTAURANT WOULD HEAR. THE PROPRIETOR ENJOYED THE
STORY MUCH MORE THAN THE CUSTOMERS.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; ROSEVILLE

Subject headings:

PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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BY GOD WE LIVE, BY GOD WE DIE

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE BOY WHO HAD A BAD HABIT. HE
ALWAYS SAID "BY GOD." HIS MINISTER WAS RATHER UPSET
AT THIS, BECAUSE THE BOY WOULD YELL THIS OUT AT THE
MOST EMBARRASSING TIMES. ONE DAY THE MINISTER MADE A
DEAL WITH THE BOY. THE MINISTER KNEW THAT THE BOY WAS
JUST MAD ABOUT APPLE PIE, SO HE THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD
HAVE NO PROBLEMS IN MAKING A GOOD DEAL WITH THE LAD.
THE BOY WAS MADE TO PROMISE THAT THE NEXT TIME HE SAID
"BY GOD" HE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THE MINISTER AN APPLE
PIE. THE BOY MADE THE MINISTER PROMISE THAT NEXT TIME
HE SAID "BY GOD," HE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THE BOY AN
APPLE PIE.
WELL, NEXT SUNDAY THE MINISTER WAS, AS USUAL, MAKING
HIS SERMON. IT WAS ALL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND AT THE
END THE MINISTER YELLED OUT IN A VERY EMOTIONAL
MANNER, "BY GOD WE LIVE, BY GOD WE DIE." AND THE BOY
JUMPED UP AND SAID, "BY GOD YOU OWE ME AN APPLE PIE."

Submitter comment: I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I FIRST HEARD THIS JOKE, BUT IT
ALWAYS HAS REMAINED WITH ME. I THINK THAT I HEARD
IT ABOUT FIVE OR SIX YEARS AGO.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings:

PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale

Date learned: 04-16-1965

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FINGERS IN THE BUTTER

THESE TWO PEOPLE WERE IN AN ATTIC; IT WAS DARK, LONELY,
AND COLD. THEY WERE HUNGRY, SO THEY DECIDED TO GO
DOWNSTAIRS TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. THEY WAS NOTHING
IN THE KITCHEN, SO THEY WENT DOWN IN THE BASEMENT TO GO
TO THE FRUITCELLAR. IT WAS DARK DOWN THERE. THERE
WERE COBWEBS AND IT WAS VERY SPOOKY. THE ONLY LIGHT
DOWN THERE WAS A CRACK OF LIGHT FROM THE MOON COMING
THROUGH THE WINDOW. THEY FOUND NOTHING BUT A BARREL IN
THE BASEMENT AND IT WAS FULL OF BUTTER. AS THEY LOOKED
AT THE BUTTER, ONE FINGER CAME UP OUT OF IT AND MOVED.
BOTH OF THEM RAN OUT OF THE HOUSE. THEN THEY STOPPED
AND SAID TO THEMSELVES, "THIS IS SILLY. NOTHING LIKE
THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED." SO THEY WENT DOWN AGAIN
TO LOOK AGAIN, FOR IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE MOONLIGHT
PLAYING TRICKS ON THEM. NOBODY HAD BEEN IN THE CELLAR
FOR AGES. THIS TIME THEY SAW THREE FINGERS IN THE
BUTTER. THIS TIME THEY RAN FASTER THAN THEY EVER HAD
IN THEIR WHOLE LIFE. THEY STOPPED AGAIN AND SAID TO
EACH OTHER, "NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. WE WON'T SEE IT
THIS TIME." THE GIRL SAID THAT SHE WOULD GO DOWN AND
LOOK AND THEN COME BACK UP AND HE COULD GO DOWN AND
LOOK AND THEY WOULD COMPARE WHAT THEY SAW. SHE WENT
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT AND HE WAITED FOR QUITE A WHILE,
BUT SHE DID NOT COME UP, SO HE WENT DOWN TO SEE WHAT
HAD HAPPENED. HE DIDN'T SEE HER DOWN THERE, BUT SAW
FOUR HANDS IN THE BUTTER. WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENED TO HER?

Submitter comment: THE INFORMANT DOES NOT REMEMBER WHERE SHE LEARNED THIS
BUT THINKS IT WAS ABOUT 1963.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Subject headings:

PROSE NARRATIVE -- Formula tale

Date learned: 05-12-1965

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PILOT TO TOWER

T=TOWER
P=PILOT
THIS PILOT WAS FLYING INTO AN AIRPORT WITH AN HOUR'S
WORTH OF FUEL LEFT. HE RADIOED THE T: "P TO T, P TO T,
REQUEST PERMISSION TO LAND." "T TO P, T TO P, CANNOT
TAKE YOU AT THIS TIME, CIRCLE AIRPORT AND CALL IN
HALF HOUR." HALF HOUR LATER: "P TO T, P TO T, HALF HOUR
FUEL SUPPLY LEFT; REQUEST PERMISSION TO LAND." THEN,
"T TO P, T TO P, KEEP CIRCLING, REPORT BACK IN 15
MINUTES." FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER: "P TO T, P TO T,
REQUEST PERMISSION TO LAND; 15 MINUTES OF FUEL SUPPLY
LEFT." THEN, "T TO P, T TO P, CIRCLE FOR 10 MINUTES
AND REPORT BACK." TEN MINUTES LATER: "P TO T, P TO T,
REQUEST PERMISSION TO LAND." "T TO P, T TO P, DISCONTINUE
CIRCLING, TAKE OFF IN WESTERLY DIRECTION AND REPORT
BACK IN 3 MINUTES." THREE MINUTES LATER: "P TO T,
T TO P, REPORTING BACK AS ORDERED. "T TO P, T TO P,
REPEAT AFTER ME: "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, ETC."