The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT DATE: 1/23/87
SUBJECT: STANDARD PROCEDURE?INSTRUCTIONS ON DEATH OF
EMPLOYEE

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THIS OFFICE THAT
MANY EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN DYING WHILE ON DUTY FOR APPARENTLY
NO GOOD REASON. FURTHERMORE, SOME EMPLOYEES ARE REFUSING
TO FALL OVER AFTER THEY ARE DEAD. THIS, IN SOME CASES, HAS
RESULTED IN MUCH UNEARNED OVERTIME PAYMENTS.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THIS PRACTICE MUST BE DISCONTINUED.

ON OR AFTER THIS DATE, ANY EMPLOYEE FOUND SITTING UP AFTER
HE HAS DIED WILL BE DROPPED FROM THE PAYROLL AT ONCE,
WITHOUT INVESTIGATION UNDER REGULATION NO. 26, SECTION 0,
"NON?PRODUCTIVE LABOR."

WHEN IT CAN BE PROVEN THAT THE EMPLOYEE IS BEING HELD UP BY
A DESK, TYPEWRITER, DRAWING BOARD, TELEPHONE, OR ANY OTHER
APPLIANCE WHICH CAN SUPPORT THE HUMAN BODY, THAT IS THE
PROPERTY OF THE COMPANY, A 90?DAY PERIOD OF GRACE WILL BE
GRANTED.

THE FOLLOWING PROCEDURES WILL BE STRICTLY ADHERED TO:

IF, AFTER SEVERAL HOURS, IT IS NOTED THAT AN EMPLOYEE HAS
NOT MOVED OR OPENED AT LEAST ONE EYE, THE SUPERVISOR WILL
INVESTIGATE. BECAUSE OF THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE NATURE AND
ORIGIN OF SOME EMPLOYEES, AND THE CLOSE RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN
DEATH AND THEIR NORMAL WORKING ATTITUDE, THE INVESTIGATION
WILL BE MADE QUIETLY TO AVOID WAKING THE EMPLOYEE IF HE OR
SHE IS ASLEEP, WHICH IS PERMITTED UNDER THE PRESENT REGIME.

IF SOME DOUBT EXISTS AT TO THE TRUE CONDITION OF THE
EMPLOYEE A PAYCHECK IS TO BE USED AS THE FINAL TEST. IF THE
EMPLOYEE FAILS TO REACH FOR THE CHECK, IT IS REASONABLE TO
ASSUME THAT DEATH HAS OCCURRED. NOTE: IN SOME CASES THE
INSTINCT IS SO STRONGLY DEVELOPED THAT A SPASMODIC CLUTCHING
ACTION MAY OCCUR. DO NOT BE MISLED BY THIS MANIFESTATION.

IN THE EVENT THAT AN EMPLOYEE FAILS TO ABANDON WHATEVER
HE OR SHE IS DOING AT COFFEE TIME, NO INVESTIGATION IS
NECESSARY AS THIS IS CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT RIGOR MORTIS
HAS ALREADY SET IN.

Submitter comment: THIS OFFICE MEMO SHOULD BE TYPED ON THE COMPANY LETTERHEAD
USING CURRENT DATE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PERSONNEL

James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00-00-1970