The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

IT WAS AN OVERCAST, WINDY, GOTHIC-TYPE EVENING. MY GIRL
LAURA, WAS BORED, SO WE BRAINSTORMED AS TO WHAT TO DO.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED HOW MY BOSS TOLD ME HE USED TO VISIT
A CEMETERY WHERE "STRANGE THINGS HAPPENED." BEING THE
ADVENTURESOME KIND-OF-GUY WHICH I AM, I MENTIONED "THE
TOMB," AND ACTED AS IF I WAS FRIGHTENED OF GOING. SHE
IMMEDIATELY FELL FOR MY SPOOKINESS, AND WANTED TO GO TO
"THE TOMB." I EGGED HER ON ABOUT HOW STRANGE OCCURRENCES
HAPPENED REGULARLY, ESPECIALLY ON COLD, DARK NIGHTS. SHE
JUMPED IN, JOKING THAT WE MIGHT NEVER MAKE IT BACK ALIVE.
SHE LAUGHED, I LAUGHED, AND WE DROVE ON, NORTHWARD.
WE ARRIVED JUST BEFORE THE WITCHING HOUR, AND I MADE SURE
TO LET HER KNOW THAT THE GHOULS WOULD SURELY BE OUT TONIGHT.
YES, WE WERE HAVING A GRAND TIME, ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S WIT.
I WARNED HER, SHE TEASED ME, AND I TURNED INTO THE ANCIENT
BURIAL PLACE. THE TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE WAS BELOW FREEZING YET
THE HILLY ROADWAY WAS QUITE MUDDY. MY COMPACT CAR WAS
SLIDING, MY GAS PEDAL WAS SLIPPING, AND MY GIRLFRIEND
WAS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. AS THE HIGH BEAMS HIT THE GATE,
WE NEARLY DID TOO; FOR THE ONE LANE OPENING WAS HALF
WAY CLOSED. WE QUICKLY DECIDED THAT THE SPIRITS MUST
HAVE FORGOTTEN TO CLOSE IT. WE GIGGLED, I STOPPED, AND
SHE HOPPED OUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO HELL. THERE WAS ONLY
ONE WAY IN, AND THE ENTRANCE WAS ALSO THE EXIT. THE
ENTIRE LOT WAS FENCED IN, IF NOT BY GRAVESTONES, THEN BY
THE PERIMETER'S CYCLONE FENCE. LAURA EASED THE GIANT
STEEL GATE FORWARD AND I EASED THE SMALL CAR FORWARD. WE
WERE OBSESSED BY OUR OWN LAUGHTER, NOT KNOWING WHY.
AFTER RIDING THROUGH EXTREMELY NARROW PASSAGEWAYS, A
MASSIVE MASOLEUM CAME INTO VIEW. A BIZZARE FOGGY MIST
INSTANTLY BEGAN TO FALL. MY GIRL LOOKED AT ME, I LOOKED AT
HER, AND WE SIMULTANEOUSLY LOCKED OUR DOORS. I HAD A SICK
GUT-FEELING, SHE STILL HAD HER SENSE OF HUMOR, AND WE
BOTH WANTED TO LEAVE. WE LAUGHED. AS I ZIG-ZAGGED TOWARDS
THE END, LAURA SAID, "I THINK THE GATE'S SHUT." WE THOUGHT
WE HAD SCARED OURSELVES, SO WE CHUCKLED OUR LAST. THEN....
.........................................................
..................B*A*N*G.....S*M*A*S*H...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO HUGE MONSTERS WERE ON MY WINDSHIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POUNDING, SCRATCHING; SCREAMING, SMASHING; YELLING,
CHANTING; THEY WERE DEVIL CREATURES IN HUMAN FORM.
IN UNISON THEY SAID "WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!" WE FROZE
AFTER YELLING IN TERROR! (THE LARGER MONSTER RESEMBLED
THE MAN FROM A JAMES BOND MOVIE CALLED "JAWS." (THEREFORE
I WILL REFER TO HIM AS "JAWS.")
JAWS SAID,"I WANT YOUR BLOOD; YOU'RE DEAD!" I GUNNED THE
ENGINE, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, MY CAR STALLED OUT. WE
WERE TRAPPED IN THE CEMETERY. THERE WAS NO WAY TO ESCAPE.
THE GATE WAS SHUT, THE NIGHT WAS OLD, AND THE CAR WAS DEAD.
JAWS, BY THIS TIME, WAS TRYING TO ENTER MY CAR; BY WAY
OF THE HOOD. HE WAS OVER SIX FEET TALL AND A BIT STOCKY. THE
OTHER MONSTER WAS NOT AS HOMELY, BUT HE SCREAMED A BIT
LOUDER. AS THE CREATURES CONTINUED TO POUND ON MY CAR, MY
TERROR BEGAN TO CHANGE INTO ANGER. SUDDENLY, THE MONSTERS
RELEASED MY AUTO FROM THEIR GRASP AND BEGAN TO FIGHT EACH OTHER.
AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, THE UGLIER OF THE TWO SEEMINGLY WON
THE BATTLE, AND THE LOSER LAID MOTIONLESS MIDWAY BETWEEN MY
CAR AND THE LOCKED GATE. DURING OUR INTERMISSION, OR "THE
BRAWL," IS WHEN WE FIRST NOTICED THE LARGE DAGGER ON MY
HOOD. THEN, WITH THE LOUD ONE DEAD, JAWS CAME BACK SCREAMING
AND DENTING. THAT WAS IT! I HAD HAD ENOUGH. I ROLLED MY
WINDOW DOWN AN INCH, AND TRIED TO BARGAIN WITH THE
DEMONMAN. HE GOT MADDER, STUCK HIS MITTEN PAWS INSIDE MY
WINDOW, AND TRIED TO PEEL IT OFF MY DOOR. I WAS SO UPSET THAT
I SURPRISED ALL THREE "LIVE" BEINGS (INCLUDING MYSELF) BY
STEPPING OUT OF THE DAMAGED VEHICLE. I GREETED THE MONSTER AND
HE GRABBED MY COLLAR. I WAS YELLING AT HIM, AND HE WAS
THROWING ME AROUND THE PLOTS. HE STOPPED DEMANDING BLOOD, AND
STARTED DEMANDING MONEY. AT THIS TIME, MY COMPANION
NEITHER JAWS NOR MYSELF SAW HER. SHE SAFELY RETURNED INTO MY
CAR. MEANWHILE, JAW'S PAWS CLINGED TO MY NECK AND LIFTED ME
TOWARDS THE HEAVENS. FINALLY, HE THREW ME BACK TO THE WET,
EARTHEN GRAVE FLOOR. NOW I HAD A CHANCE TO REACH MY WALLET.
ALL I HAD WAS A FIVE DOLLAR BILL. HE SNARLED, BUT STILL TOOK
IT. HE TRIED TO MAKE ME FAINT BY PANTING ON ME, BUT SOME-
HOW I BROKE LOOSE. I HAD A SLIGHT CHANCE TO MAKE IT BACK TO
MY CAR.................................................
............................................................
I SLIPPED, HE TRIPPED. HE DASHED, I PASSED. I REACHED, HE
SCREECHED. HE SPAT, I SAT................................
I GRABBED THE DOOR HANDLE AND PULLED. SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
I SLOWLY LOOKED UP TO SEE THE UGLY FACE WHICH WAS BLOCKING MY
ESCAPE. HE QUIT MOANING, AND FOR THE LAST TIME MY EYES
CONTACTED HIS BLOODSHOT EYES. HE BEGAN A MANIACAL LAUGH AS
SOMETHING LIGHTLY LANDED ON MY LAP. HE BACKED AWAY, SHE TURNED
OVER THE ENGINE, AND I SHUT THE DOOR. I LOOKED AT HER
AND HER FRIGHTENED EYES TOLD ME TO GET THE STUPID CAR MOVING.
I FLOORED THE PEDAL, NOT REMEMBERING TO PUT THE TRANSMISSION
INTO DRIVE. LAURA SHIFTED AND WE MOVED! WE DROVE PAST THE
DEAD MONSTER AND THROUGH THE GATE. THE FOG WAS THICK.
LAURA TOOK THE WAD OFF MY LAP AND FOUND THAT IT WAS THE
FIVE SPOT. THEN, WE BOTH NOTICED THAT THE BLADE WAS STILL ON
MY HOOD. I WANTED THAT RELIC. AS I SLOWED OUR VEHICLE DOWN,
THE KNIFE DISAPEARED INTO THE FOG.........................

Submitter comment: I SOLD MY CAR. I AM NO LONGER SEEING LAURA. THIS IS TRUE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; LAKEVILLE

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