The James T. Callow Folklore Archive

CAMPFIRE TALE

THIS IS A STORY I HEARD WHEN I WAS WITH MY FAMILY AT A
SUMMER COTTAGE. IT IS BEST WHEN TOLD AROUND THE DYING
EMBERS OF A FIRE.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE THREE BOYS, JOE, MIKE AND AL.
ONE DAY, THESE BOYS DECIDED THEY WANTED TO START A CLUB
AMONG THEMSELVES. THEIR ONLY DIFFICULTY WAS TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT A GOOD INITIATION FOR THE MEMBERS OF THIS
CLUB. AFTER KICKING AROUND A FEW IDEAS, THEY FINALLY
DECIDED ON USING AN OLD ABANDONED HOUSE OUTSIDE THE TOWN
AS THEIR PROVING-GROUNDS. THE ONLY HITCH WAS THAT SINCE
THEY WERE THE INSTIGATORS OF THIS CLUB, IT WOULD ONLY
BE FAIR TO GO THROUGH THE INITIATION THEMSELVES.
DISREGARDING A LOCAL BELIEF THAT ANYONE ENTERING THIS
HOUSE AFTER DARK WOULD NEVER COME OUT AGAIN, THEY WENT
ONE DARK, MOONLESS NIGHT TO THIS ANCIENT MANSION ON THE
TOP OF A HILL CARRYING NOTHING BUT CANDLES. THE PROCEDURE
WOULD BE THAT EACH WOULD GO ALONE INTO THE HOUSE AND SHINE
THE CANDLE IN EVERY WINDOW OF THE HOUSE, STARTING FROM
THE FIRST FLOOR AND WORKING THEIR WAY UP TO THE THIRD.
JOE, BEING THE OLDEST, VOLUNTEERED TO GO FIRST. TRYING
NOT TO LOOK FRIGHTENED, HE LEFT THE OTHER TWO STANDING
OUTSIDE WITH THE INSTRUCTION TO LEAVE IF HE WASN'T OUT
IN TEN MINUTES. ALMOST BREATHLESSLY, MIKE AND AL WATCHED
AS JOE SHINED HIS CANDLE IN THE FIRST WINDOW, THEN A FEW
SECONDS LATER IN THE SECOND, THEN THE THIRD, UNTIL HE
HAD FINISHED THE FIRST FLOOR. A MINUTE LATER THEY SAW
THE LIGHT IN THE FIRST WINDOW OF THE SECOND FLOOR, THEN
THE NEXT, AND THE NEXT, UNTIL HE HAD FINISHED HIS ROUND
OF THE SECOND FLOOR. ALL THAT WAS LEFT NOW WAS THE FEW
WINDOWS ON THE THIRD FLOOR. BUT THEY DIDN'T SEE THE
SIGNAL. THEY WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED, BUT STILL
NO SIGNAL. AFTER WAITING FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES, AL BECAME
WORRIED AND SUGGESTED THEY LEAVE AND TRY TO GET HELP.
BUT MIKE HAD A DIFFERENT THOUGHT. HE SUPPOSED THAT JOE
WAS JUST PLAYING A TRICK ON THEM BY NOW SHOWING UP.
MIKE THEN WENT IN TO FULFILL HIS PART OF THE INITIATION
WITHOUT WAITING FOR JOE TO COME OUT.
HE STARTED HIS ROUNDS AS PRESCRIBED, SHINING HIS CANDLE
IN EACH AND EVERY WINDOW OF THE FIRST AND SECOND FLOOR,
BUT ONCE AGAIN, AL WAITED AND WAITED TO SEE THE SIGNAL
FROM THE THIRD FLOOR AND IT NEVER CAME.
NOW THOROUGHLY SCARED, AL DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE
SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY CREPT UP THE FRONT STAIRS AND
OPENED THE SQUEAKY, ROTTEN, DILAPIDATED DOOR AND CALLED
INSIDE. HE HEARD HIS CALL ECHOED IN THE MASSIVE HALLS,
BUT NOT A SOUND FROM HIS BUDDIES. HE TOOK A FEW STEPS
INSIDE AND THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT BEHIND HIM. NOT A
SOUND WAS TO BE HEARD. SILENTLY HE APPROACHED THE
STAIRCASE, AND ALMOST AFRAID TO BREATHE, HE LISTENED.
FROM SOME DISTANT PART OF THE UPPER FLOORS OF THE HOUSE
HE COULD JUST BARELY HEAR A STEADY, DULL, THUMPING
NOISE, AS IF SOMEONE WERE POUNDING ON A WALL.
CURIOUS, WORRIED ABOUT HIS FRIENDS, AND SHIVERING IN
HIS BOOTS, AL SLOWLY STARTED ASCENDING THE LONG STAIR-
WAY. AS HE GOT HIGHER, THE THUMPING GREW LOUDER. HE
CALLED TO HIS FRIENDS, BUT THE ONLY REPLY WAS THE SLOW,
DULL, THUMPING. HE CLIMBED HIGHER AND THE NOISE GREW
LOUDER AND LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL BY THE TIME HE
REACHED THE THIRD FLOOR, THE THUDDING WAS DIRECTLY
OVERHEAD. HE CALLED AGAIN, AND THE THUDDING STOPPED
FOR A MOMENT, DURING WHICH TIME HE THOUGHT HE HEARD
A VERY FAINT MOAN. THE THUMPING STARTED ONCE AGAIN,
THE SAME SLOW, STEADY, REPEATED THUD. AFTER SEARCHING
FOR A FEW MINUTES, AL FOUND A LADDER THAT LED UP TO A
TRAP DOOR INTO THE ATTIC. HE SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY
CLIMBED THE LADDER, LIFTED THE TRAP DOOR AND HELD HIS
CANDLE OVER HIS HEAD. THERE IN THE CORNER HE SAW JOE
KNEELING OVER MIKE, BANGING MIKE'S HEAD ON THE FLOOR.
IN SHEER PANIC, AL JUMPED OFF THE LADDER AND OUT OF THE
HOUSE, AND THAT WAS THE LAST HE SAW OF HIS TWO FRIENDS.
MANY YEARS LATER, AL WAS RIDING THE TRAIN TO WORK WHEN
HE SPOTTED A MAN ON THE TRAIN WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE
HIS BOYHOOD FRIEND MIKE. AFTER THINKING BACK TO THAT
DREADFUL NIGHT, HE FIGURED IT COULDN'T BE THE SAME
PERSON, AND YET, HE WASN'T SURE. AFTER LOOKING AT THIS
MAN FOR A LONG TIME, AL FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE TO
APPROACH HIM.
"EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ISN'T YOUR NAME MIKE?"
THE MAN SEEMED NOT TO HAVE HEARD AL, SO HE REPEATED
HIS QUESTION.
THIS TIME, THE MAN SLOWLY PUT DOWN THE NEWSPAPER HE WAS
READING, SLOWLY TURNED TO AL AND SAID:
(NARRATOR NOW SHOUTS: BOO!).

Where learned: ILLINOIS ; CHICAGO

Date learned: 00-00-1959

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(TELLER YELLS BOO: AT EXCITING POINT

I WAS ON A CANOE TRIP A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, ALONG WITH
ANOTHER COUNSELOR AND OUR CABIN GROUPS. WE WERE UP ALONG
THE AU SABLE RIVER. ONE NIGHT ABOUT ELEVEN, AFTER THE
KIDS WERE ALL ASLEEP, ROSS, THE OTHER COUNSELOR AND
MYSELF, WERE SITTING AROUND THE FIRE DRINKING COFFEE,
WHEN WE HEARD SOME SORT OF ANIMAL COMING THROUGH THE BRUSH
A COUPLE OF HUDNRED YARDS AWAY. WE KNEW THAT IT WAS A
BIG ANIMAL, FROM THE NOISE IT MADE, AND WE FIGURED THAT
IT WAS PROBABLY A SPOOKED DEER OR A WANDERING BEAR.
WHATEVER KIND OF ANIMAL IT WAS, THE FIRE WOULD KEEP IT
AWAY. SOMETHING WAS WRONG, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF MOVING
AWAY FROM THE FIRE AS IT SHOULD OF, IT MOVED TO WITHIN
60 YARDS OF THE FIRE AND BEGAN CIRCLING, EACH CIRCLE
SEEMING TO GET SMALLER AND SMALLER. INSTEAD OF THE FIRE
SCARING AWAY THIS ANIMAL, IT ALMOST SEEMED TO BE
ATTRACTING IT. WELL, AFTER ABOUT FIVE OR TEN MINUTES OF
THIS, I WAS LIMITING MYSELF TO THREE POSSIBLE CHOICES OF
ACTION. NUMBER ONE--GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. NUMBER
TWO--TAKE THE KIDS AND ROSS WITH ME. AND THEN GET THE
HELL OUT OF THERE. NUMBER THREE--HAVE ROSS INVESTIGATE
THE SOUNDS AND OUR STALKING. JUST AS I HAD REACHED MY
DECISION, THE ANIMAL PASSED OVER A RISE ABOUT FIFTY YARDS
FROM US. THE MOON MADE HIM A SHADOW UPON HER FACE.
WE COULD SEE THAT OUR VISITOR WAS A MAN. ROSS CALLED
OUT TO HIM AND ASKED IF HE WANTED A CUP OF COFFEE. THE
MAN HESITATED FOR A MINUTE, THEN WALKED TOWARD OUR CAMP-
SITE. HE STOPPED JUST OUTSIDE THE LIGHT FROM OUR FIRE
AND SEEMED TO BE TURNING AROUND AGAIN, WHEN ROSS ASKED
AGAIN FOR HIM TO STAY A WHILE AND HAVE THAT CUP OF COFFEE.
THE MAN DID THEN COME TO THE FIRE AND SQUATTED DOWN
BESIDE IT AS ROSS HANDED HIM THE CUP. THERE WAS SOMETHING
FUNNY ABOUT THIS MAN, AND IT WAS NOT A FUNNY HA-HA, IT
WAS FUNNY WEIRD. HE WAS DRESSED IN A BUSINESS SUIT AND
THOUGH IT WAS TORN AND DIRTY FROM WALKING THROUGH THE
DARKENED WOODS, IT WAS OBVIOUSLY SOMEWHAT NEW AND
EXPENSIVE SUIT. I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT A MAN WOULD
BE DOING WANDERING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE DRESSED AS
HE WAS. I ASKED, "HAVE YOU BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT, ARE YOU
LOST?" HE JUST KEPT STARING AT THE FIRE. ROSS ASKED,
"CAN WE HELP YOU, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?" THE MAN ANSWERED,
"NO ONE CAN HELP ME, NO ONE. YOU SEE I AM GOING TO DIE."
I SAID, "GROOVY, ROSS I'LL GO GET THE BOYS UP AND WE CAN
BE READY TO LEAVE IN TEN MINUTES." I WHISPERED TO ROSS,
"THIS GUY'S SOME KIND OF NUT, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
ROSS SAID, "HOLD ON FOR A MINUTE, BOB, THIS GUY'S NOT
CRAZY, HE'S JUST SCARED, REAL SCARED, SOMETHING IS SCARING
HIM TO DEATH." I STARTED SAYING, "ROSS IF YOU THINK HE'S
SCARED, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET, WATCH ME FOR A WHILE
. . . ." ROSS SAID, "JUST WAIT A FEW MINUTES, MAYBE WE CAN
HELP HIM." I SAID, "I GUESS YOU'RE ALRIGHT, MAYBE WE CAN
HELP THIS KOOK." "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM MISTER?" I ASKED
HIM. "I'M GOING TO DIE," HE SAID AGAIN, ROSS ASKED, "WHY
DO YOU SAY THAT, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE, HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO DIE?" THE MAN ANSWERED THAT "I WILL DIE AT
MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, MY FIRST PARTNER DIED ONE YEAR AGO
TODAY, AND MY SECOND PARTNER DIED SIX MONTHS AGO TODAY,
NOW IT IS MY TURN TO DIE." I SAID, "I TOLD YOU ROSS,
HE'S SOME KIND OF NUT . . . ." THE MAN ASKED, "WHAT TIME IS
IT, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO LIVE?" "IT'S 11:30," ANSWERED
ROSS. "ONE HALF HOUR LEFTTO LIVE," THE MAN SAID. I ASKED,
"MISTER, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?" "I DON'T KNOW," HE
SAID, "ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M GOING TO DIE AT MIDNIGHT."
THE NEXT WENTY MINUTES PASSED SLOWLY, THE MAN REFUSED TO
SAY ANOTHER WORD. FINALLY, HE ASKED, "WHAT TIME IS IT?"
"FIVE OF, MISTER, " I SAID.... "WHAT TIME IS IT," HE
ASKED. "FOUR OF, MISTER," I SAID. . . . "WHAT TIME IS
IT?" HE ASKED AGAIN. "TWO MINUTES OF," ROSS ANSWERED.
HE SAID, "WILL YOU GIVE THIS LETTER TO MY WIFE, AFTER
I DIE?" I SAID, "I WOULD." "WHAT TIME IS IT?" ONE
MINUTE TO," I SAID. "WHAT TIME IS IT?" "MIDNIGHT," ROSS
SAID. "WHAT TIME IS IT?" THE MAN ASKED. "ONE MINUTE
AFTER," I SAID.

Submitter comment: AT THIS POINT THE TELLER OF THE STORY, SHOULD YELL "BOO"
OR SOME EQUALLY CLEVER REMARK, IN ORDER TO CAUSE THE
LISTENER TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; CAMP OHIYESA ; ESCANABA

Date learned: NOT

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THE SKUNKS

MAMA SKUNK WAS WORRIED BECAUSE SHE COULD NEVER KEEP TRACK OF HER TWO
KIDS. THEY WERE NAMED "IN" AND "OUT" AND WHEN "IN" WAS IN, "OUT" WAS
OUT. AND IF "IN" WAS OUT, "OUT" WAS IN. ONE DAY SHE CALLED "OUT"
AND TOLD HIM TO BRING "IN" IN. HE DID. "GOOD!" SAID MAMA SKUNK.
"HOW DID YOU FIND HIM IN SO SHORT A TIME?" "IT WAS EASY SAID
OUT, "INSTINCT!"

Where learned: MARYLAND ; BALTIMORE ; TOLD IN

Keyword(s): IN STINCT=INSTINCT IN STINKS

James Callow Keyword(s): PUN

Date learned: 00-00-1972

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PETE AND REPEAT

PETE AND REPEAT WERE WALKING ON A BRIDGE, AND PETE FELL IN, SO WHO WAS LEFT? REPEAT. PETE AND REPEAT WERE WALKING ON A BRIDGE, AND PETE FELL IN SO WHO WAS LEFT? REPEAT. PETE AND REPEAT.

Submitter comment: THE PERSON TO WHOM THE JOKE IS BEING TOLD ANSWERS THE QUESTION
WHO IS LEFT? WHICH TRIGGERS THE PUNCHLINE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SAINT CLAIR SHORES

James Callow Keyword(s): PROSE ROUND

Date learned: 00001960S

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WHO'S GOT MY LIVER?

THERE WAS ONCE A LITTLE GIRL WHO'S MOTHER SENT HER TO
THE STORE TO GET SOME LIVER. THE GIRL'S MOTHER GAVE HER
SOME MONEY AND TOLD HER NOT TO STOP AT THE CANDY STORE,
BUT TO GO DIRECTLY TO THE STORE FOR THE LIVER. WELL,
WHILE THE LITTLE GIRL WAS WALKING, SHE GOT A TERRIBLE
TASTE FOR SOME CANDY, SO SHE STOPPED AT THE CANDY STORE
AND SPENT ALL HER MONEY. NOW THIS LITTLE GIRL KNEW THAT
HER MOTHER WOULD BE VERY, VERY ANGRY AND BEAT HER IF
SHE DIDN'T COME HOME WITH SOME LIVER. THE LITTLE GIRL
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT AS SHE WAS WALKING, SHE SAW
A GRAVEYARD. IN THIS GRAVEYARD SHE SAW A DEAD PERSON
WHO WAS READY TO BE BURIED. THIS GAVE THE GIRL AN
IDEA, SHE DECIDED TO CUT OUT THE LIVER OF THE DEAD
PERSON AND TAKE IT HOME. WHEN SHE GOT HOME, HER MOTHER
FIXED THE LIVER FOR DINNER. NOW IT WAS TIME TO GO TO
BED. THE LITTLE GIRL GOT INTO BED. AFTER IT WAS REAL
LATE AND PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE, THE LITTLE GIRL HEARD A
STRANGE VOICE CALLING, "WHO'S GOT MY LIVER?" "WHO'S
GOT MY LIVER?" ALL THIS TIME THE VOICE KEPT COMING
CLOSER. "WHO'S GOT MY LIVER?" "I'M ON THE FIRST STEP,
WHO'S GOT MY LIVER?" "I'M ON THE SECOND STEP, WHO'S
GOT MY LIVER?" "I'M ON THE THIRD STEP, WHO'S GOT MY
LIVER?" "I'M ON THE LAST STEP, WHO'S GOT MY LIVER.
YOU'VE GOT MY LIVER!!"
AT THIS POINT THE NARRATOR GRABS A PERSON OF HIS CHOICE.

Submitter comment: MY GRANDMOTHER TELLS THIS STORY TO ALL THE YOUNG
CHILDREN IN OUR FAMILY.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; LIVONIA

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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JUMP TALE

MY BROTHER WAS SENT TO THE STORE FOR SOME LIVER FOR
DINNER. BUT HE PLAYED AROUND AND DID NOT GET TO THE
STORE BEFORE IT CLOSED. KNOWING HE WOULD GET CHEWED
OUT AT HOME IF HE DIDN'T RETURN WITH ANYTHING, HE WENT
TO THE CEMETERY NEARBY AND FOUND A BODY THAT HADN'T
BEEN BURIED. HE CUT THE LIVER OUT OF IT AND BROUGHT
IT HOME.
LATER THAT NIGHT, WHEN EVERYONE WAS IN BED, HE HEARD SOME
NOISES ON THE STAIRS. "WHO'S GOT MY LIVER?" THE
STAIRS CREAKED A BIT MORE. "WHO STOLE MY LIVER?"
SOMETHING WAS IN THE HALL NOW. "WHO STOLE MY LIVER?"
IT STOPPED AT THE FIRST BEDROOM. "WHO STOLE MY LIVER?"
THEN IT WENT TO THE REST. "WHO STOLE MY LIVER?"
IT FINALLY GOT TO MY BROTHER'S BEDROOM. "WHO STOLE MY
LIVER?" "YOU GOT IT!!"

Submitter comment: THIS STORY WAS TOLD TO ME BY MY OLDER BROTHER WHEN I
WAS QUITE SMALL, AND EASILY SCARED.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT ; DETROIT

Date learned: 12-06-1967

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PETE AND REPEAT

PETE AND REPEAT WENT IN A BOAT. PETE FELL OUT AND
WHO WAS LEFT?
REPEAT.
PETE AND REPEAT WENT IN A BOAT. PETE FELL OUT AND
WHO WAS LEFT?
REPEAT.
PETE AND REPEAT...

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 03-28-1968

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MILITARY REFUGEES

ONE NIGHT THERE WERE THREE SOLDIERS DRIVING ALONG A
DESERTED COUNTRY ROAD WHEN THEIR CAR SUDDENLY BROKE
DOWN. THEY LOOKED AT IT, BUT WERE UNABLE TO FIX IT,
SINCE IT WAS GETTING DARK, AND SO THEY DECIDED THEY WOULD
WAIT UNTIL MORNING. ONE OF THEM REMEMBERED PASSING A
FARMHOUSE A WHILE BACK, AND SO THEY ALL DECIDED TO SEE
IF THEY COULDN'T STAY THERE FOR THE NIGHT. AND SO THEY
BEGAN TO WALK.
THEY REACHED THE FARMHOUSE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. WHEN
THE FARMER ANSWERED THEY TOLD HIM OF THEIR PREDICAMENT
AND HE SAID HE WOULD BE GLAD TO PUT UP THREE SOLDIERS
FOR THE NIGHT, BUT HE ONLY HAD ONE EXTRA BEDROOM, AND
THEY WOULD ALL HAVE TO SHARE IT. THEY AGREED, AND HE
SHOWED THEM UPSTAIRS.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER, ALONG THE SAME ROAD, THREE SAILORS
WERE DRIVING WHEN THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. THEY TOO WERE
UNABLE TO FIX THEIR CAR AND, SINCE IT WAS GETTING DARK,
THEY DECIDED TO WAIT UNTIL MORNING. ONE OF THEM HAD
REMEMBERED PASSING A FARMHOUSE, AND SO THEY ALL DECIDED
TO SEE IF THEY COULDN'T STAY THERE FOR THE NIGHT. AND
SO THEY BEGAN TO WALK.
THEY REACHED THE FARMHOUSE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. WHEN
THE FARMER ANSWERED, THEY TOLD HIM OF THEIR PREDICAMENT
AND HE SAID HE WOULD BE GLAD TO PUT UP THREE SAILORS FOR
THE NIGHT, BUT HE ONLY HAD ONE EXTRA BEDROOM AND THERE
WERE ALREADY THREE SOLDIERS IN IT. IF THEY WOULDN'T MIND
SHARING IT, HE WOULD BE GLAD TO HAVE THEM. THEY AGREED,
AND HE SHOWED THEM UPSTAIRS.
SOON AFTERWARDS, THREE MARINES WERE DRIVING DOWN THE SAME
DESERTED ROAD WHEN THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. THEY TOO WERE
UNABLE TO FIX THEIR CAR AND, SINCE IT WAS GETTING DARK,
THEY DECIDED TO WAIT UNTIL MORNING. ONE OF THEM HAD
REMEMBERED PASSING A FARMHOUSE, AND SO THEY ALL DECIDED
TO SEE IF THEY COULDN'T STAY THERE FOR THE NIGHT.
THEY BEGAN TO WALK.
THEY REACHED THE FARMHOUSE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR.
WHEN THE FARMER ANSWERED THEY TOLD HIM OF THEIR PREDICA-
MENT AND HE SAID HE WOULD BE GLAD TO PUT UP THREE MARINES
FOR THE NIGHT, BUT HE ONLY HAD ONE EXTRA BEDROOM AND
THERE WERE ALREADY THREE SOLDIERS AND THREE SAILORS IN
IT. IF THEY WOULDN'T MIND SHARING IT, HE WOULD BE GLAD
TO HAVE THEM. THEY AGREED, AND HE SHOWED THEM UPSTAIRS.
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, A WAC WAS DRIVING DOWN THE SAME
DESERTED ROAD WHEN HER CAR BROKE DOWN. KNOWING NOTHING
ABOUT CARS, AND BEING QUITE AFRAID OF THE DARK, SHE DE-
CIDED TO WAIT UNTIL MORNING TO SEE IF SHE MIGHT GET SOME
HELP. REMEMBERING THAT SHE HAD JUST PASSED A FARMHOUSE
DOWN THE ROAD, SHE DECIDED TO WALK DOWN THERE AND SEE
IF SHE COULDN'T STAY THERE FOR THE NIGHT. SO SHE BEGAN
TO WALK.
SHE REACHED THE FARMHOUSE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. WHEN
THE FARMER ANSWERED SHE TOLD HIM OF HER PREDICAMENT AND
SHE ASKED IF SHE MIGHT STAY THE NIGHT. HE SAID HE WOULD
BE GLAD TO PUT UP A WAC FOR THE NIGHT, BUT HE ONLY HAD ONE
EXTRA BEDROOM AND THERE WERE ALREADY THREE SOLDIERS, THREE
SAILORS, AND THREE MARINES IN IT. IF SHE WOULDN'T MIND
SHARING IT, HE WOULD BE GLAD TO HAVE HER. THE WAC WAS
VERY TIRED, AND SO SHE AGREED, AND THE FARMER SHOWED HER
UPSTAIRS.
THE NEXT MORNING, BRIGHT AND EARLY, THE SOLDIERS CAME
DOWNSTAIRS. THEY ALL LOOKED VERY HAPPY AND SATISFIED
WITH THEIR LODGINGS, WHEN THE FARMER MET THEM AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. "DID YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?"
ASKED THE FARMER. "WE SURE DID!" THEY ANSWERED. WHEN
ASKED WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE FOR BREAKFAST, THE THREE
SOLDIERS TOLD THE FARMER THAT THEY WOULD JUST LIKE
COFFEE, AND THEN THEY WOULD BE ON THEIR WAY.
SOON THE THREE SAILORS CAME DOWNSTAIRS. THEY TOO LOOKED
VERY HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH THEIR LODGINGS, WHEN THE
FARMER MET THEM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. "DID YOU
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?" ASKED THE FARMER. "WE SURE DID!"
THEY ANSWERED. WHEN ASKED WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE FOR
BREAKFAST, THE THREE SAILORS TOLD THE FARMER THAT THEY
WOULD JUST LIKE COFFEE, AND THEN THEY WOULD BE ON
THEIR WAY.
THEN THE THREE MARINES CAME DOWNSTAIRS. THEY TOO LOOKED
VERY HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH THEIR LODGINGS, WHEN THE
FARMER MET THEM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. "DID YOU
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?" ASKED THE FARMER. "WE SURE DID!"
THEY ANSWERED. WHEN ASKED WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE FOR BREAK-
FAST, THE THREE MARINES TOLD THE FARMER THAT THEY WOULD
JUST LIKE COFFEE, AND THEN THEY WOULD BE ON THEIR WAY.
IN A LITTLE WHILE, THE WAC CAME DOWNSTAIRS. SHE LOOKED
A LITTLE TIRED BUT HAPPY WHEN THE FARMER MET HER AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. "DID YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?"
ASKED THE FARMER. "I CERTAINLY DID!" SHE ANSWERED. WHEN
ASKED WHAT SHE WOULD LIKE FOR BREAKFAST, THE WAC TOLD THE
FARMER THAT SHE WOULD JUST LIKE SOME TEA, AND THEN SHE
WOULD BE ON HER WAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS STORY PROVES? THAT NINE OUT OF
TEN PEOPLE PREFER COFFEE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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THE FOO BIRD

THE FOO IS A VERY COMMON BIRD OVER IN INDIA, AND IT IS
HELD IN HIGH RESPECT. ONCE A FOREIGNER CAME TO VISIT
AND HE WAS TOLD OF THIS REVERENCE. HE WAS TOLD THAT IF
THE BIRD EVER LET A DROPPING FALL ON HIM, HE WAS TO
LET IT REMAIN. IF HE BRUSHED IT OFF, HE WOULD BE TURNED
TO STONE. WELL, HE KIND OF LAUGHED AT THIS AND DIDN'T
THINK MUCH ABOUT IT.
WELL, ONE DAY THE FOO LET A DROPPING FALL ON THE
FOREIGNER'S SHOULDER, AND IT QUITE CAUGHT HIM BY
SURPRISE. HE QUICKLY BRUSHED IT OFF IN DISGUST AND
WAS IMMEDIATELY TURNED TO STONE. THE MORAL OF THE
STORY IS "IF THE FOO SHITS, WEAR IT!"

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 11-19-1968

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THERE ONCE WAS A KING OVER IN AFRICA WHOSE COUNTRY WAS
INVADED BY FOREIGNERS. HIS ARMY WASN'T ABLE TO STOP
THEM, SO HE AND A FEW CLOSE FOLLOWERS FLED THE COUNTRY.
BUT HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE HIS THRONE ALONG WITH HIM.
WELL, THEY TRAVELLED FOR MANY, MANY MILES UNTIL THEY
FINALLY CAME TO A FRIENDLY VILLAGE IN A NEIGHBORING
KINGDOM. SOME OF THE NATIVES THERE AGREED TO HIDE THEM
FOR A WHILE IN THEIR GRASS HUTS. WELL, THE KING MOVED
RIGHT IN AND HE HAD TO STOW HIS THRONE UP IN THE
RAFTERS, WHERE A COUPLE LITTLE BAMBOO POLES WERE ALL
THAT WERE AVAILABLE TO SUPPORT THE THRONE. WELL, HE
FIGURED IT WOULD BE OK UNTIL THE HEAT WORE OFF AND HE
COULD GO BACK TO HIS KINGDOM.
WELL, ONE DAY THE KING BUMPED AGAINST THE CENTER POLE OF
THE HUT AND THE THRONE BECAME UNBALANCED AND FELL RIGHT
DOWN ON HIM. THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "THOSE WHO
LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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PETE AND REPEAT

PETE AND REPEAT WERE SITTING ON A LOG. PETE FELL OFF.
WHO WAS LEFT?
REPEAT.
PETE AND REPEAT....

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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ENDLESS VERSE

PETE AND REPEAT WERE WALKING ON A BRIDGE. PETE FELL OVER
AND WHO WAS LEFT?
REPEAT.

Submitter comment: THE SAYING IS JUST REPEATED AS MANY TIMES AS SOMEONE
ANSWERS.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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ONCE THERE WAS A GIRL FROM AN ASYLUM WHO BROKE AWAY ONE
NIGHT. SHE WENT TO A GARAGE AND GOT AN AXE. SHE WAS
WALKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY, SWINGING THE AXE. A MAN IN A
CAR COULD ONLY SEE THE AXE COMING, SO HE LOCKED ALL
THE DOORS, ROLLED UP THE WINDOWS, AND DUCKED DOWN. THE
GIRL CHOPPED THE MAN AND CAR INTO LITTLE BITS AND
PIECES.
NARRATOR POINTS BEHIND THE LISTENER'S BACK AND SHOUTS:
AND THERE SHE IS.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; HUNTINGTON WOODS

Date learned: 11-10-1968

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THERE USED TO BE A THING GOING AROUND THAT WHEN SOMEONE
WOULD SAY "THAT'S TOUGH" HE WOULD GET ASKED "WHAT'S
TOUGH?" THE ANSWER: "LIFE."
"WHAT'S LIFE?"..."A MAGAZINE"...."HOW MUCH DOES IT
COST?"...."IT COSTS 20 CENTE"..."I ONLY GOT A NICKEL"...
"THAT'S TOUGH"..."WHAT'S TOUGH?"...ETC.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 00-00-1960

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TANGLE TALK--THE MION AND THE LOUSE

WAY BACK BEFORE CROSSINGTON DELLED THE WASHWARE, A
LATE BIG GRION WAS DEEPING PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEN
BEAMING OF A DREEF STEAK, WHEN HE WAS AWAKENED BY A
MITTLE LOUSE RUNNING FRANK AND BORTH AFROSE HIS
CRACE. TOOSING HIS LEMPER, THE GRION LABBED THE MITTLE
LOUSE BY THE MUFF OF THE SCRECK AND WAS ON THE KERGE OF
VILLING HIM, MOOR LITTLE POUSE! "OH, LEASE, MR. PLION,"
MIED THE CROUSE, "IF YOU WILL ONLY GET ME LOW I FROMISE
PAITHFULLY TO REKIND YOU FOR YOUR PAYNESS." LO, THE
GRION, WHO MUST HAVE BEEN A CUB SOY BOUT IN HIS DOUNGER
YAYS, THOUGHT HE WOULD DEE HIS DAILY GOOD DOOD, SO HE
SET THE FROUSE MEE.
A COUPLE OF LEEKS WAITER, THIS VERY SAME SION GOT
NANGLED UP IN A TET AND THOUGH HE WAS THE BING OF
KEASTS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH CROS BINGBY, NO ONE
CAME TO ANSWER HIS RELLOWING BOARS.
BUT CHEAR DILDREN, PAYS THE HEAROFF: ALONG CAME THE MITTLE
LOUSE AND GNAWING THE TOPES WITH HIS REETH, FREES THE
SHION FROM HIS LACKLES. "TURN AFFAIR IS BOUT PLAY,"
MEAKES THE SQOSE, AS HE HURNED ON HIS TEEL AND HEADED
FOR BOME. NOW THE STORAL OF THIS MORY IS, SOMETIMES
OUR BLUBBLES ARE TRIG AND SOMETIMES OUR SRUBBLES
ARE TRAIL, BUT IF WE TRAD NO HUBBLES, HOW COULD BE
BLECKOGNIZE OUR RESSINGS?

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; UNIVERSITY OF DETROIT ; DETROIT

Date learned: 01-29-1968

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THE STRANDED MAID

THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS ON A TRIP THROUGH
THE COUNTRY IN HER CAR. IT WAS GETTING LATE, AND
THROUGH THE WINDOW SHE NOTICED THAT SHE HAD JUST PASSED
THE LAST FARMHOUSE FOR MILES. SUDDENLY, SOMETHING WENT
WRONG WITH HER CAR AND SHE COULDN'T GET IT TO START
AGAIN. THE NIGHT WAS GETTING DARKER AND SHE WAS
FRIGHTENED, SO SHE DECIDED TO GO UP TO THE FARMHOUSE
AND ASK IF SHE MIGHT SPEND THE NIGHT THERE. SHE WALKED
AND WALKED, AND FINALLY REACHED THE DOOR AND KNOCKED
ON IT. WHEN THE FARMER ANSWERED, SHE TOLD HIM WHAT HAD
HAPPENED, AND ASKED IF SHE MIGHT STAY. HE REPLIED THAT
SHE WAS WELCOME TO STAY IF SHE WANTED TO, BUT HE AND HIS
SON WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE, AND HIS SON WAS A MANIAC.
THE GIRL THOUGHT A MINUTE, BUT DECIDED THAT SHE HAD NO
OTHER CHOICE, AND SO SHE SAID THAT SHE DID NOT MIND.
THE FARMER PUT HER UP IN A DARK ATTIC BEDROOM, AND SHE
BEGAN TO GET READY FOR BED. THE CLOSED THE DOOR, WHILE
DOING SO, NOTICED THAT THERE WERE MANY, MANY LOCKS AND
BOLTS ON IT--EVEN DOUBLE AND TRIPLE BOLTS. REMEMBERING
WHAT THE FARMER HAD SAID ABOUT HIS SON, SHE WAS VERY
CAREFUL TO LOCK ALL OF THEM VERY TIGHTLY. SHE LOCKED THE
SINGLE LOCKS, THEN WENT TO THE DOUBLE ONES. THERE WAS
BOLT AFTER BOLT, AND IT TOOK A LONG WHILE, BUT FINALLY
THEY WERE ALL LOCKED. FEELING RELATIVELY SAFE NOW, THE
GIRL WALKED OVER TO THE WINDOW FOR SOME AIR. WHEN SHE
RAISED THE SHADE SHE WAS SURPRISED TO SEE JUST AS MANY
LOCKS AND BOLTS ON THE WINDOW AS SHE HAD SEEN ON THE
DOOR. RECALLING AGAIN THAT THE FARMER'S SON WAS A MANIAC,
SHE BEGAN TO LOCK THESE. IT TOOK A TREMENDOUSLY LONG
TIME TO LOCK THE WINDOW TIGHTLY, BUT AFTER AWHILE SHE
WAS FINALLY DONE WITH IT.
BY THIS TIME, SHE WAS QUITE TIRED, AND WAS READY FOR BED.
SHE CHANGED INTO HER NIGHTGOWN AND LAID DOWN ON THE BED
TO SLEEP. BUT IN ALL HER WORRIED EXCITEMENT SHE COULD
NOT SLEEP. AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS, SHE WAS ALARMED
BY WHAT SOUNDED LIKE FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS. UP, UP, UP
THEY CAME. SLOWLY. HEAVY FOOTSTEPS. THEY STOPPED JUST
OUTSIDE OF HER DOOR. HER HEART BEAT SO LOUDLY IN HER
THROAT SHE FEARED WHOEVER IT WAS WOULD HEAR IT. AFTER
A LONG PAUSE THAT SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNITY, SHE HEARD A
LOCK BEING UNFASTENED. THEN ANOTHER. AND ANOTHER. THE
LOCKS AND BOLTS ON THE DOOR WERE BEING UNDONE! AND
THERE WAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! ONE BY ONE THEY WERE UNLATCHED
AND WHOEVER IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR WAS
GETTING CLOSER WITH EVERY ONE. NOT A SOUND COULD BE
HEARD EXCEPT THE BEATING OF THE GIRL'S HEART.
THE DOOR SLOWLY CREAKED OPEN, AND STANDING THERE WAS A
FIGURE OF THE MOST MONSTROUSLY HUGE MAN THE GIRL HAD EVER
SEEN. HE STOOD THERE FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SLOWLY BEGAN
TO ENTER THE ROOM. THE GIRL WAS TOO FRIGHTENED TO
SCREAM, BUT WAS FROZEN RIGHT WHERE SHE WAS. "IT MUST BE
THE FARMER'S SON," SHE THOUGHT. "WHAT WILL I DO? HE'S
A MANIAC!"
THE MANIAC SON WALKED SLOWLY AND HEAVILY TO THE WINDOW.
HE THEN BEGAN UNDOING THE LOCKS ON IT. ONE BY ONE, AS
SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY AS HE HAD DONE WITH THOSE ON THE
DOOR. WHEN HE WAS FINISHED WITH THIS, HE OPENED THE
WINDOW AND TURNED TO FACE THE YOUNG GIRL LYING ON THE BED.
TERRIFIED, SHE BEGAN TO TREMBLE AS HE LUMBERED TOWARD
HER. HIS STEPS WERE SO SLOW AND HEAVY THAT SHE THOUGHT
SHE MIGHT DIE BEFORE HE GOT TO HER. BUT FINALLY HE
REACHED HER BEDSIDE AND LEANED OVER VERY CLOSE TO HER
FACE.
WITH A VOICE AS SLOW AND HEAVY AS HIS FOOTSTEPS AND VERY
DEEP, HE BEGAN TO SAY SOMETHING TO HER. HE HELD UP THE
FINGERS ON HIS HAND ONE AT A TIME, WHILE SAYING, ALMOST
CHANTING, "I CAN DO SOMETHING WITH ONE FINGER. I CAN DO
SOMETHING WITH TWO FINGERS. I CAN DO SOMETHING WITH THREE
FINGERS. I CAN DO SOMETHING WITH FOUR FINGERS. I CAN DO
SOMETHING WITH FIVE FINGERS!"
"WHAT?" ASKED THE GIRL FINALLY. "THIS!" AND WITH THAT
THE MANIAC SON RAISED HIS FINGERS TO HIS LIPS AND WIGGLED
THEM ON HIS LIPS WHILE MAKING "MANIAC" SOUNDS.

Submitter comment: THIS STORY IS MOST EFFECTIVE WITH THE TELLER TAKING THE
PART OF THE MANIAC SON. WITHOUT REALLY DESCRIBING WHAT
THE SON DOES, HE HIMSELF MAKES THIS GESTURE, AND WITH
THAT ENDS THE STORY.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: NOT GIVEN

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CATCH

PETE AND REPEAT WERE WALKING ACROSS A BRIDGE. PETE
FELL IN THE WATER. WHO WAS LEFT? ANS: REPEAT...
PETE AND REPEAT, ETC.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; SAINT CLAIR SHORES

Date learned: 00001950S

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BEDTIME STORY

THIS INFORMANT USED TO USE THIS STORY FOR HIS CHILDREN,
WHEN THEY WOULD ASK FOR A BEDTIME STORY.
"THIS IS THE SHORTEST BEDTIME STORY EVER TOLD: 'GOOD
NIGHT!'"

Where learned: BUFFALO ; NEW YORK

Date learned: 11-00-1967

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PAPA GNU CAME HOME FROM WORK AND MAMA GNU SAID TO PAPA
GNU, "SPANK BABY GNU 'CAUSE HE'S BEEN A BAD BOY."
BUT PAPA GNU SAID TO MAMA GNU, "SPANK HIM YOURSELF
'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO PADDLE YOUR OWN GNU."
(CANOE).

Date learned: 11-18-1968

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BENNY

THERE WAS ONCE A MAN NAMED BENNY. ONE DAY HIS FAIRY
GODFATHER APPEARED TO HIM AND TOLD HIM HE COULD HAVE
ANYTHING HE WANTED IF HE WOULD PROMISE NEVER TO SHAVE
HIS BEARD OR CUT HIS HAIR. IF HE EVER BROKE HIS
PROMISE HE WOULD TURN INTO AN URN.
BENNY PROMISED. HE DECIDED HE WANTED A CAR. THEN HE
DECIDED HE WANTED A GIRLFRIEND. EVERYTHING WENT FINE
UNTIL BENNY'S GIRL COULD STAND HIS HAIR AND BEARD NO
LONGER AND ASKED HIM TO CUT IT. HE SAID NO AND DIDN'T
TELL HER WHY.
ONE NIGHT WHILE BENNY WAS SLEEPING, HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME
IN AND CUT HIS HAIR ALL OFF AND BENNY TURNED INTO AN
URN, WHICH GOES TO SHOW THAT "A BENNY SHAVED IS A
BENNY EARNED."

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Date learned: 02-07-1968

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